Is it really that bad?

[Hopeful]

I have been reading in quite a few journals how some PA's struggle constantly and then some of them continue to struggle years down the road. Is this what we as SO's have to look forward to? Will we have to worry for the rest of our lives together that today might be the day that he "slips" .

I long for the day when we see a pretty girl and we can just say that, "wow, she's a pretty girl isn't she" instead of pretending she's not there and hoping he isn't staring.

So my questions are....

Is there some point down the road when you, as a PA, will be able to look at the world around you and just see people, human beings that are just going about their day? Once a PA learns just how much pain and hurt this causes to himself and others around him, how can he just slip back into it?

Is it really that bad?

[burnedout]

Is there some point down the road when you, as a PA, will be able to look at the world around you and just see people, human beings that are just going about their day?

That's what I want for myself, but right now, I don't feel like I do that. It doesn't come automatically. I have to think about it. I feel sad just saying that.

[healme]

I worry about the same things.....My H was off P for 3 years and he went back for 2 until he was caught. Will he let this addiction take over and go back again and again and just get better at hidding it OR will he ever beat this addicton?????

I have no answers only questions.

[cvanden]

I think that the thing to remember is that it is an addiction. And although many people with addictions successfully live in recovery they are still addicts. Just like there are no former alcoholics. They'll tell you, "I'm an alcoholic" and then how long they've been in sobriety. This isn't meant to to be a discouragement but I think it is a bad idea to minimize the seriousness of addiction....to think it just gets cured.

In my S-Anon group there are a couple women who've been partners with PA/SA's for many years. They describe how good their relationships are now. They describe a wonderful intimacy that, at one point, they never thought they'd achieve with their PA/SA spouse. BUT they will be the first to tell you, once an addict, always an addict. The difference is that these men are no longer acting out and have embraced recovery as a way of life.

[healme]

Your are so right...once an addict always an addict. Both spouses need to be aware of that.

Thanks

[Cupcakemomma]

I long for the day when we see a pretty girl and we can just say that, "wow, she's a pretty girl isn't she" instead of pretending she's not there and hoping he isn't staring.

Ummm... According to Mr. Rock, he is married to the prettiest girl... and talking about yourself that way is kinda bragging ;)

[2frustrated]

My answer is a little different from the others. I think, and I've experienced, that, yes, one can eventually shift into appreciating the beauty of a woman without going berzerk. Even though I've screwed up a few times since I decided to start my recovery, I can still attest to extended periods where I could casually look at someone and neutrally think, that is a beautiful looking person. My SO could also point out such beauty, and it would not be a problem. There are, however, some days where I have to be more on guard and avoid looking altogether. Over time, though, these exceptions occur less and less. So I say to you: have hope and persevere!

[HopefulsRock]

Well Hopeful... you do know how to ask the tough ones but it's a good question and I'll try my best to answer.

I have been clean and sober from P & MB for 483 days but as we both know that was only one step, the first step in this long process. So I am not years down the road but far enough to know that I will never just slip back into it! I like where I am and the positive direction I'm heading in and there is no way I want anything to do with a quick look or an inappropriate thought in anyones direction but yours. I will admit and you know this, that in the beginning I struggled to control my wandering eyes out of bad habits but I have learned that looking at such things is in no way appropriate behavior for me and those types of images or moments are not for my eyes any more! ...in fact they never were once we became a couple many, many moons ago! Once I controled my eyes then I essentially controlled my mind as well as I've learned from my readings and experience. What I'm finding lately is that those images, be they TV, billboards, pop up ads, magazines at checkout lines or those moments of innappropriateness from real people can come into my vision many times in a day and I instantly look away! Not just because it's not appropriate for me to be looking but because I don't want to! I have plenty of opportunity to see or view such things but I simply don't want to! ...in fact I hate that I ever did and I'm sorry once again.

So to answer your question; is it really that bad?

Yes... it was! ...but it's not any more, not for me!

This in no way means that I'm done or cured, it just means that I get it and I want the same thing that you want... to move on with our life totally free from this and I believe someday we will because I have Hope! ...and I'm getting stronger and more confident every day!

[Hibiscus]

It's a scary prospect, wondering if this will always be in the forefront of our minds...always feeling on "high alert". My husband is very much still in the mind set of, "...never again, don't ever want to, I'm done, it's in the past...". But I still struggle with questioning "want to" versus choosing "not to". I'm very glad he no longer choose to, but I have a hard time accepting he doesn't want to. He insists he truly doesn't have any interest, but I wonder if the desire will rear it's ugly head in the future. It shakes me to my core when a PA on the board, who has had substantial successful recovery time, suddenly posts about faltering or having the strong thoughts and pull reappear. That's why I am so grateful to PAs like Rock and Mac, who still take the time to post here. It really helps me continue to build confidence in my husband's recovery. We SOs need to read those stories of success, as do the other PAs. It shows us what is possible with the right mind set, tools, and dedication to yourself and your relationships. It gives us hope and I thank you!

[FoolishMind]

Do you know what Hopeful, I probably ask myself this question at least every other month, when i get some stupid temptation, or voice in my head.

What I found from my personal experience is by keeping it simple and taking a step back to answer that question, makes it a lot clearer.

Im sure we all understand the concept of if you keep feeding the addiction, you hunger will remain. So then why is, after x years P free, you still get the odd craving? (perhaps craving not right word, as it is not an I WANT, but its like a message that has been put into you heard through concious choice)

There was a time just over a year ago, I was really not well at all, and I was literally bed ridden. I couldnt watch TV, or be on the computer, because the light stung my eyes, for about 2 weeks, I was closed of to the world. I did not get a single dodgy thought. Which meant to me, subconsiously, we are picking up signals from media and the way some women dress all around us in a daily lives.

You could argue, I was ill, so why would I get a thought, I would challenge any PA that they have never continued to carry out their high even on their sick bed! Sad but true.

If we were all in some beautiful sanctuary living away from the modern world of promiscuity, and provocation, I could assure you this forum, would not be needed for continuous support, but alas, this is the real world, and at times, not through are own choice of thoughts, but things set in mind, and they can trigger old memories and thought patterns.

FM