Why was *this* time different?

[Hibiscus]

So many PAs, in marriages or long term relationships, write about this being their final chance to save their relationships. For those who engaged in P and/or MB, and were found out multiple times over the years, what made *this* time different? Many, my own husband included, say they didn't "get it" until now. Many mention knowing they would lose their SO, this time, if they didn't eliminate the P, strive to make changes in themselves, and rebuild their relationships. But almost as many have had this cycle repeat over and over again in years past - caught, apologies & promises, stopping for weeks or days or even years, only to eventually return to it. What about your last D-day made it the final straw? What about the situation, or your SOs reaction, or your own state of mind, made *this* time have enough impact to spark action toward permanent change in your life?

[healme]

I guess it's like smoking....I quit 25 times before I quit. Sometimes for weeks sometimes for years.

For me, today I'm holding on to *this* time is different. But is it?

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[likeafish34]

This time is different because I sank so low before giving up P.

My PA had taken control, I was only sleeping a few hours a night, I was so depressed that I'd started thinking about the possibility of taking my own life. I don't think that I would have gone through with it, but it had started crossing my mind.

I can't be absolutely certain that I'll never slip again, but I feel so much better now. I still have my ups and downs, but now I have more ups than downs.

Simon

[Steelerfan27]

Along with most PA's on this site, I completely identify with your question. I've tried to stop countless times. And by try to stop I mean I've actually taken some pretty strong steps before: joined groups, read books, talked with pastors and friends and my gf at the time. I stopped my web service and added web filters. All of these were great steps, tools in the recovery process if you will, but none of them resulted in my permanent escape from PA. I've been clean for 69 consecutive days right now. I've had longer streaks in the past (though I was in the military with a very limited ability to access web P), but this is my best effort yet. I really feel strong and, although I still have issues with lusting, so far I've been able to keep myself from falling to P. Being free from PA gains momentum...PA's start to build new habits and forget old ones. When I first quit this time I had a lot of tough moments. But I got through them by the grace of God and nowadays things are definitely easier. I still lust at girls passing by, but it's not every time and it hasn't resulted in me succumbing to P. What made "this" the time? Well, I got extremely scared at work. They started monitoring our network and it freaked me out to no end. Also, my marriage had been spiraling downward. No sex life really. Just two people who generally knew how to get along with each other, but it didn't get deeper. My wife had caught me a while back and there was a big wall. Between being scared of loosing my job and seeing how much my marriage was suffering...I guess it just gave me the extra motivation I needed to stay clean in my times of temptation. That's the hardest part. Nowdays I believe that I can stand on my own not out of fear of being caught, but mostly because I don't want to be under the spell of P again. I want to be free and I've developed some better thinking habits and behavior patterns that help me to avoid succumbing to any momentary temptations. I do believe THIS is the time for me. I don't want to go back and I think I'm string enough not to. I'm also not stupid, so i will continue to get on TTF and reflect on how serious this fight is and reinforce my resolve going forward.

[Hibiscus]

You've been very busy in this folder today, SteelerFan - thank you! I really like how you express yourself in your posts. It feels very much like you are just writing the honest thoughts that pop into your head. It always strikes me as very genuine and I really appreciate that as an SO. Huge congratulations on your 69 consecutive days and much success to you as you continue down this path. It seems like fear is the most common denominator for PAs to initially try to break free of this addiction, whether it relates to their relationships or their job. For those with long standing recovery, I'd say the next common denominator is moving from a place of fear to a place of longing to live a honest life and feel good about themselves. It certainly sounds like you have moved into that place of integrity and are feeling stronger with each passing day free from P. Now you want it for YOU and that is wonderful to read - that is true recovery and I wish you all the best Steelerfan!ETA: Just saw your journal thread - so congrats on 76 days!