Is there hope....really

[healme]

Can a PA really give up P? Can PA's really clear their mind of such darkness?

I'm not sure anymore. Am I too trusting here?

[waterlily327]

I asked this same exact questions when I was starting here with my BF. I can't sit here and say "oh yes, of course!" or "no, never", because I don't know. But I can tell you what I have seen:

It is possible for a PA to remove P from their lives. My Rock has taken a very strong standpoint against P, MB, and even the urges he used to experience. For him, giving into any one of those is a "slip". He has not looked at P for months, probably since early, early April. But since he has had the urges to do so, he has "slipped" even if he has not done anything. He is still very much an addict...he needs to fight daily to keep from slipping, but he is a recovering addict, not an active addict. There is a WORLD of difference there, at least in my eyes!

Here is the thing: that PA needs to choose recovery. No matter how caring, loving, supportive, hurt, or affected you and your relationship are, the addict is, well, addicted. Nothing is going to change that until something clicks in his mind that it is time to change. Since I found out a year ago, Rock has wanted to change...but he was not actively trying to change until March, and even then, he was still trying to change for me. By April of this year, he realized the negative impacts P had on his life and decided that with or without me, he would recover...for him. That is the mindset necessary because until they want it for themselves, anything can disrail recovey. An example to speak to that, when Rock was in recovery for me, we got in a fight once and he ran to P because he was mad at me...why bother fighting for something that someone else wants if you are pissed off at them? That is why him choosing recovery for himself was a huge deal! At least he can't run away from himself too easily!

Even when a PA chooses recovery, there will be bumps in the road. But do I think it is worth it? Absolutely. I am beginning to think it is possible for a PA to recover if they want it!

[healme]

Your post sounds familiar to me......It would have been mine 5 years ago.

So, I found out that my SO does not view P in our home. He does it at work.

They get counseling and it works for a while but they learn how to be better at this, how not to get caught. They live and breath deception. Eventually they learn to always say and do the right things. It works!

My Questions to the PA’s are

1. What are the stats on recovery. Does anyone know and how many are lying about recovery.
2. When do I walk the walk? How many chances do we give them? 1,2,3,10,150,

Sorry to be negative but I just found out that my life is upside down again and his is very dark.
I think I need to keep reading positive stories right now!

[samski]

I can humbly say that I believe the answer to be yes. Not looking at P is a choice, one that I did not make for over 25 years, but one that I am making every day now.

The choice is to choose to find another way (other than P & MB) to deal with life's issues, both good and bad.

I can honestly say that I took my wife and marriage and family for granted, I didn't really believe, or should I say, want to believe, that my actions had an effect on other people. It comes from a standpoint of selfishness. When I finally accepted the fact that I could lose everyone and everything that is important to me, and that my actions were / would be the cause of it, it was like a light went on, and I saw how woefully inadequate P and MB was to meeting my needs.

I literally said out loud "P and MB are worth losing my wife and children? What am I, crazy?" I've never been the same since. Not that I haven't had struggles, but I ask myself each time - is it worth losing everything for P?

I'm not sure if this is the answer for everyone, but by the grace of God, it is for me.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Your post sounds familiar to me......It would have been mine 5 years ago.

So, I found out that my SO does not view P in our home. He does it at work.

They get counseling and it works for a while but they learn how to be better at this, how not to get caught. They live and breath deception. Eventually they learn always say and do the right things. It works!

My Questions to the PA’s are

1. What are the stats on recovery. Does anyone know and how many are lying about recovery.
2. When does the I walk to walk? How many chances do we give them? 1,2,3,10,150,

Sorry to be negative but I just found out that my life is upside down again and his is very dark.
I think I need to keep reading positive stories right now!

I really don't know what to say, because samski, said everything so very well.

If a addict goes to counseling but it only works for a while, then I feel that he may be doing it for the wrong reasons. there is just no way any addict can stop just because there SO told them they needed to stop. If any addict is to have a good recovery, and get this addiction out of there lives, it has to be because he wants it out of his life.

If it is not 100% in his/her HEART to want to end this addiction, then it will never be gone from the addict. If the addict finds a new way of being sneaky, to not get caught again, then it is in no way even in his thoughts to want to give this up. It takes many addicts until they hit ROCK BOTTOM, before they realize just how bad there action are.


For me, when I saw the pain I was causing to the most Beautiful woman on this earth, I knew I had a choice to make. when my SO told me we was through, I knew right then, that I had lost everything that meant the world to me. I was told to take my things and sleep in the extra room, until I found a new place to live. that very first night in the room, I started looking for help with this addiction. I didn't do this to save my relationship, but I knew, that if I was to be able to live anywhere, I would have to change, and live a better life. you see, the moment I saw my SO's pain from my actions, I knew right then just how wrong my thinking has been for so many years. and I knew, that there was just no way, I could ever allow myself, to hurt anyone like this again.

Many do recover from this addiction, and they go many years of not acting out anymore. It is all up to the addict, and just how bad, they want this addiction to stop destroying there lives.

I have had to make so many changes in my life, to free myself from this addiction. I am going to be 55 in a few months, and using P since I was about 12, but I have been clean for 7 months. I am becoming a new person, and a better man. and I am one of the few lucky ones, that my SO saw the changes, and we are working hard at restoring what I messed up in our relationship

As for knowing if anyone is lying about there recovery, in time, if they are, they will be found out. there is just no way someone can continue with this, and try to hold a fake good attitude in there life.

Ok I said I really didn't have much to say, but I just rambled away in your post.

Gerald

[Love in a Lifeboat]

I am asking myself the same question. And we have to believe there is hope because without that what's the point. I am seeing a therapist because my PA thought that I needed stress mgmt from taking care of an elderly person. So as long as I was going to fix myself and dealing with my parental issues, everything is fine. But as soon as H was brought up, he wasn't happy. He doesn't see that he doesn't need P to live, breathe and be a part of his and our life. But I do and so does everyone here. He wants to go to my therapy session and probably there try to convince us that everything is fine and he doesn't have a problem and the th should just fix me and we will be happy again. I love my H dearly. I can see what he can't. So can you. That's why you're here. WE all recognize that P is wrong, there is no halfway. WE all want to live a better life in mind and body. As humans, we are capable of great things and great change. Committment is 150 to 1000%. But you have to believe and hope. Everyone here is living proof that we are grown ups with real problems that we have to face head on. Easier said than done. But the chorus is the same for us all, stay strong. Everyday without P is a beautiful day with your SO and yourself.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

These are good questions because right now I'm very much on the negative side. One of my big fears is that my H used P at home and not at work because he was more in fear of losing his job than he was losing me. So... now that I've completely taken that away from him at home... my mind can't stop thinking about the possibilities that he will find some other way to use it whether he buys mags at a store and then hides them or throws them away, or somehow views at work in secret. In my mind... despite his promises that this time is different my heart, body and soul will just not allow me to believe him. Not after all these times and all these years. Honestly, I don't know what he could say or do that would make me believe him right now. I think maybe the first step for me would be to see drastic changes in his personality...as his mind becomes cleaner from the P and distortion. I think this is the only real proof that a PA has truly recovered. Otherwise the only option for us SO's is to hire private investigators for the rest of our lives to ever know the REAL truth.