Did you know what your triggers were?

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

I am wondering if you knew what your triggers were? Did you ever lie about what your triggers were? Or not even recognize what your triggers might be?

My H will tell me this or that is not a trigger yet it may have been one of the search terms... For example, starting out with erotic images... then getting into the more explicit stuff. Or, for example s*xual jokes or rated R movies that either show nudity or s*xual content.

I think triggers can be very subtle things such as the music or shows you listen to. Thoughts that lead up to or fuel the urge. I don't think my H sees this yet, but I certainly do.

Anyone ever heard of the Bob & Tom show on the radio? That's one example I mean about what you listen to that can fuel the fire.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

[2frustrated]

You're pretty much right on target. Radio, TV, movies--even when things seem innocent--can be triggers. Maybe the reason your H isn't admitting it is because he's afraid he'll have to give up some things.

[likeafish34]

BHA,

I have two different types of triggers. One is my general state of mind. When I am very stressed from work or from arguing with my wife, or I'm really depressed, then I was much more likely to do P. Maybe that wasn't really a trigger. Maybe that was a prerequisite.
What really used to set me off was sexual images on the TV. Of course nudity in a film might do it, but it was often much milder than that. It could just be the use of a woman in an advert. Advertisers blatantly use mildly sexual images in adverts. To most people they probably hardly notice. for me I definitely notice. I still find it hard.

Simon

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

thanks for your openness and honesty likeafish. I definitely think that my H has not really "thought" about or is denying just exactly what his triggers are.

[exteberria]

I would also agree with the others any sexually orientated shows on tv can be a trigger for me. I also have some issues with stress as well, sometimes I just seem to think 'geez, I'm stressed - now its time for p and m'. This has been something I have been working on.

[FoolishMind]

Triggers dont always have to be sexually orientated though. I used to watch a comedy show, that was absolutley nothing wrong with it, but because I (cringe) looked at pictures of a certain actress of the show, I had to acknowledge that was a trigger, and I told my wife when I drew up my first plan, that I would never watch the show again 3 years+ that show is still going on, havent seen it since.

FM

[burnedout]

I think anger is a big one for me. I've written about it here a lot. It is so subtle, I think it takes hold of me before I know what's going on. I wish I could explain it better, but I'm still trying to pick it apart. Basically, I will eventually turn to a/o, or entertain thoughts of doing so, to soothe myself. Absolutely, it has to change, first by refraining from a/o, then eventually learning to short-circuit the whole anger cycle.

[TooSensitive]

Anger and irritability start the wheels in motion for my h and are definitely triggers for the reasons you describe, BurnedOut.

FM, I commend you for recognizing this particular trigger of yours and am glad to read you had enough awareness and enough motivation to stay away for all this time. It shows you want recovery for yourself, and it shows you are respectful enough of your wife to also do it for her, too, IMO.

My h continues to allow himself to watch so many triggers on TV. It doesn't stop unless one by one, I point them out to him. I can't just make a blanket statement, b/c he finds some loophole in his mind. I have to be very, very specific with him. I have to state the specific show or the specific commercial. I can't just say he needs to avoid anything he uses to lust.

ETA: It seems I am more aware of my h's triggers than he is. Or he's aware but he pretends to be oblivious b/c he doesn't really want to give them up.

[TooSensitive]

Sometimes my h is more prone to being triggered b/c of outside stressors, and if he can at least mentally a/o, then it is an escape for him. So I suppose the emotions all by themselves become potential triggers that are lead-ins to a/o.

Sometimes he seems to be doing well, but when he is, and esp. if I have been doing well, he lets his guard down and becomes complacent. He may not be mentally a/o, but if a trigger crosses his path on the TV or when out in public, he allows himself to be taken in, b/c he has become complacent. He acts as if he is not aware of it, even if I have pointed it out to him.

It isn’t always about the times he is stressed, tired, etc. I know that when he has to deal with any difficult emotions, that is when he is definitely going to escape by a/o in some way. But I also know that if the right woman crosses his path, no matter what’s going on, he is going to be triggered. How far he takes that in his mind remains unknown to me. Sometimes I see him quickly look away; sometimes he does not look away, and I can tell by his eyes and by other things when he’s been triggered.

I know that anger is a trigger for him, b/c one night a few years back, after we’d had an argument and he retreated to the living room alone, I don’t want to tell you what I caught him doing when I walked into the room. Another time, we had words one night while on vacation, and he made sure I heard him when he was in the bathroom the following morning. I wonder if mb’ing is a form of retaliation towards me at times.

We were having a great time on my birthday one year, browsing through an antique mart. There was an average-looking woman who was on all fours on the floor arranging a floor display. I had to watch my h scan her body back and forth, all b/c of the way she was positioned. It had nothing to do with how she looked or how she was dressed. I’ve learned that certain positions or certain types of body language can trigger my h.

I’ve learned that there are certain ways a woman can dress that can trigger my h. Skin is definitely one of his triggers, even if the woman isn’t dressed in a too-revealing way, though definitely if she is. Women who are dressed in a trashy way are triggering to him. Women wearing sleeveless tops or backless tops, women showing cleavage, women showing their legs, even if it isn’t too much.

Women who are ordinary but have shown him some type of attention, for whatever reason. All it takes for him to go there is a quick smile or eye contact, and conversation will get you everywhere. Any type of attention from a female feeds his ego.

Certain celebrities, esp. female singers. Sometimes the voice all by itself sets him off, and if she has an alluring video to go along with the song, he’s hit paydirt. But any song that contains innuendos will do, too, even if it is sung by a man.

Against my will, I became hypervigilant. I learned early on what my h’s triggers were, and they weren’t always the obvious ones, though the obvious ones trigger him, too. As I said before, I often think I am more aware of my h’s triggers than even he is.

It’s pretty bad when I have to tell him I don’t think he should be watching The Sopranos due to the club scenes, which are obvious triggers. It’s sad that it takes me pointing this out to him, yet he can’t see it for himself. Or he can, but he just doesn’t want to give it up, so he tries to get away with whatever he can, so long as I don’t say anything about it.

We shouldn’t have to keep speaking up, but sometimes we have no choice. B/c otherwise, some of them are not going to embrace recovery, b/c they are holding onto the last remnants of their addiction as a last cry. Some of them will not see for themselves and will just keep taking advantage wherever they can. I don’t know if they eventually start to see the light for themselves, in which case they start wanting recovery for themselves too, and not just for us. I don’t think I can keep up this battle by myself, if my h does not come on board enough with me.

If he doesn’t want to stop for himself too, I can’t keep trying to make him stop just for me.

[Steelerfan27]

Agreed. You have to try to identify and remove as many triggers as possible. PA's just wont be able to stand up to the temptations that are thrown at them. If they could, the they wouldn't have a problem stopping in the first place. The tough fact is that almost anything can be a trigger. Even boredom will probably lead a PA's mind to start wandering and enter into dangerous areas. Radio shows have triggered me. Frequently male-focused talk shows have p-stars or adult clubs mentioned or promoted. Movies, music videos, whatever. A girl walking by. Remembering a girl walking by. Us PA's have issues! Anyway, the good news is that there's hope no matter how bad all this seems.