Participation on TTF

[Hibiscus]

For those PAs who are married or in long term relationships, what led to your active participation on TTF? I'm particularly interested in answers from those PAs who have SOs who were active on TTF before they decided to join.

Did your SO make it a requirement of the recovery process? If so, how did you feel about that?

If not made a requirement, did your SO take any steps to entice you to join?

What was the time frame between your SO joining and you joining and posting?

My husband hasn't exhibited any big struggle with giving up P and quickly adopted RINO this time around. He has been P-free since early November - d-day was Nov 10, 2011. He says something finally clicked and he never wants it in his life again. I believe him. He has acted very different this time around and I see and feel the changes occurring in him. But I think because he isn't having major struggles fighting P and triggers, he thinks he doesn't need forum support.

But "phase 2" recovery, I feel, is much more difficult and where we could both benefit from the support of others. The experiences of others on TTF have sparked some good conversations between us when I share the stories. But since I'm the only one reading here on a daily basis, the conversations are always initiated by me. He likes that I'm finding the topics that relate to us and filtering out everything else. But I'm starting to resent that and need him to initiate more topical conversations.

Part of the problem is that my husband is never online for anything else. He's never participated in any forum, so the whole concept is a bit foreign to him. Years ago, after the first discovery of internet P on our computer, I changed the passwords and locked him out. At the time, I was working from home and depended on the computer for income. I wasn't taking any chances. I never anticipated that it would be forever. But oddly enough, he never pushed the issue - it just became the norm. His current job only has office intranet, so he doesn't have internet access there either.

We've talked about it a bit in recent months and he seems to be ambivalent about it. He knows he has an addictive personality, so part of his concern is that internet access will become another thing he spends too much time on. I have my own concerns about exposure to middle circle type content since he loves sports, music, and movies - no shortage of middle circle content within those subject areas, so I haven't been overly anxious to encourage his return to internet access. It's been one less exposure to worry about in a society filled with it.

To further complicate matters, the internet was his huge trigger. He accessed P on his work computer at a previous job and admits in got out of hand - not in content, but in quantity. He admits that if he'd had unlimited internet access at home all of these years, and I was less computer savvy, his use would have no doubt escalated.

I guess we are both more than a little ambivalent and fearful of opening up a big old can of worms while things are going well. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[2frustrated]

If he's not on the internet at all, consider that a very ideal situation and leave it that way. If you want to expose him to some of the things on this site, why not print out a few pages and let him point out the things he finds interesting. It sounds like you have a very open husband. He needs some openness from you, too. Openness, kindness, and empathy will help him greatly.

[Mac]

Hi! There Hibiscus
My So, Jenmac definately led me here.
She was here for some time before I was, maybe around a month, but during that time she contiually passed along a lot of good information from here. I wouldn't say she made it a requirement of our recovery, it was just something that I kind of migrated to because of the good things she was passing along to me before I joined. Once i did join it took me a while to gain the confidence to jump in with my first post.
You say your H hasn't had any big struggles with staying clean and I will tell that was the case for me as well, but I very much knew that my marriage was on the line so I feel that the first few months of my recovery were spent in the crisis mode with really nothing else on my mind but saving my life as I knew it. The worst mistake any PA can make is to minimize this in any way or to take recovery for granted. Real recovery takes a lot of time and hard work for both the PA and SO, having TTF to share is such a huge support for both.
It sounds like you are a little apprehensive and maybe your H is as well about him coming here and being exposed to the internet. Well i'm not sure that it is realistic for him to never be using the internet again so I feel that it is important to get to a point where the internet isn't a trigger and to use the internet for positive things, like TTF. I have a filter on both my work computers that my wife has always had the passwords for. I work from home, so back at the start of my recovery the filter was a must and I made the move to do this myself and I have no notion of removing it as this will always give me wife some peice of mind. It would be shame for you H to miss out on all that this site has to offer. You say that the internet is a huge trigger for your H, well I believe facing your demons head on is the best way to conquer them and what better place than one where he can learn such a huge amount about what addiction to P has cost so many people.
Anyway, this is just my slant on this, but i am a firm believer that this is a great place for a couple to heal together from this horrible intrusion in our lives.

All the best, Hibiscus

Mac

[Hibiscus]

I wanted to thank both of you for responding. I'm a little afraid to post. I've been sick and am now having some strange allergic reaction that has swellled up my face, especially my eyes. I'm full of Benadryl and not feeling very articulate, so my apologies if I sound goofy or don't always make sense.

I do need to say that you have me a bit confused, 2frustrated. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it felt like your reply was insinuating I am not open and supportive of my husband. Maybe you haven't read my journal amd are unfamiliar with our story. I have been fighting for our marriage for 25 years. My husband spent over 24 of those convinced the problem was mine and that "all men do it" - in his own words, "I thought you were just being stupid".

I'm extremely open with my husband, and always have been. He is now just learning to be open with me, but it's a struggle. It's hard to be open when you have spent your entire life learning how to lie and hide who you are to protect your addiction.

I have, and continue, to show him information and posts on TTF. But it is very often stated all over this site that the PA needs to take full responsibility for his recovery. Me spoon feeding him the information I think might be beneficial isn't really him taking responsibility. Besides, who knows if I am selecting the most beneficial info to show him? I think he needs to have the opportunity to read around the board and find the journals and posts he most relates to or thinks address his own concerns, which I still don't think he always shares with me in an attempt to spare my feelings or not rock the boat.

I am guilty of allowing myself the comfort of knowing he wasn't online at home. Eliminating the access gave me one less thing to worry obsessively about. But in the end, it still didn't matter. He found other ways and the addiction continued to grow, so it was a very false sense of security.

But I tend to agree with Mac that it's not realistic. As techology evolves and there are more and more ways to access it, it feels like a losing battle. Game systems, cells, ipods, digital tv and dvrs...it's everywhere. I'm a tech junkie and it frustrates me no end that I feel like I can't always embrace the latest and greatest. Besides, I don't want to deprive him of the benefits of the internet...just the crap, lol.

It's also a control issue. Many SOs write about morphing into control freaks as PA takes over their lives. My initial reaction in blocking his access was definitely a controlling move. But it's emotionally exhausting trying to control things, not to mention impossible and pointless. If he is truly recovering for himself, then it's time for him to step up and do what he can to limit his own exposure. I'm absolutely willing to help him in any way I can. But I do feel like the initiative needs to come from him at this point.

Mac, you are entirely accurate when you mention apprehension on both of our parts. It feels pretty scary to reopen that door when it's been sealed shut for so long. But I also know in my heart that if he can't take steps to control his exposure and turn away from anything triggering, then maybe it's not true recovery. I think with filters, TTF, and a lot of communication between us we can start to deal with the internet instead of simply eliminating it entirely.

I'm going to go and show him this thread right now and see what his thoughts are on the subject. He has related to Mac & Jenn's story, so it will not surprise me a bit if he agrees with Mac's take on the subject.

Thank you both for your replies. It's good to read different opinions and gives me much food for thought - and lots for us to talk about. I think that is one of the unique benefits of TTF. The interaction of the PAs and SOs really helps to illuminate what we each go through and forces us to reconsider situations we thought we fully understood. Sometimes I think it takes someone elses story to make you reconsider your own.