Using P as punishment

[burnedout]

HI B,
I wonder if this is just somewhat of an excuse, something you use to allow yourself to give in? Is it an excuse to act out with the hope that you won't feel guilty because you feel justified?
Just thoughts that came to me....
If it rings true, it may be something you need to build into your plan for the future.
Jenn

HI B,
I wonder if this is just somewhat of an excuse, something you use to allow yourself to give in? Is it an excuse to act out with the hope that you won't feel guilty because you feel justified?
Just thoughts that came to me....
If it rings true, it may be something you need to build into your plan for the future.
Jenn

That could be, Jenn.

I think part of my plan is going to be to short-circuit the urge to act out by clearly identifying what I'm feeling and working through it before it leads to the urge.

I feel like there are certain feelings I still can't tolerate. Some are long-term, chronic things, like disappointment and resentment. Others are quick and episodic, and they flare up before I even know what's happening. The one I had the other day was one of those. It's almost impossible to describe. I guess I felt cornered, like I knew I was right about something, but there was absolutely no way I was going to get my point across, and the more I tried to press my case, the worse it got. It could come from being the baby of the family, feeling like no one ever listens to me, or something. And so when I feel those things, I probably want to get back at someone.

Maybe I'm getting off-track. It sounds like what you're asking is, do I want to look at P without feeling guilty about it? That seems very likely, but it has certainly never happened. I've never looked at P, or anything that I use as P, without feeling bad about it afterwards, even if that reaction is long and drawn out.

[Steelerfan27]

I've heard this motive come up a lot and I think it's BS. It always seems to be a motive us PA's give our spouses to help us get out of trouble somehow by making our SO's start to think there's some possibility this is their fault. Whenever you read any PA's anonymous journal on TTF, nobody EVER gives this as a reason. It's complete and total BS and a lame excuse. When I looked at P, I kept my SO out of my mind. Sometimes I would, and I know somebody's going to hate me for this, but I would envision me doing things I had seen in P to my wife. But most of the time, the wife is just not in your mind at all (except for being paranoid about when she will be back or if she will come in the room). I found that P wasn't something to punish her with, but it was something I used to satisfy the sexual desires I had in place of her. PA's don't normally have much of a sexual apatite for their SO's since they're satisfied with P. They prefer P to their SO's because P is no work, allows any fantasy, and is readily available. You don't have to treat P nicely, or love it. P doesn't care whether you take out the trash or vacuum. It's easy. The trick that PA's don't realize in their blind temptation is that P is the very thing that makes them un-attracted to their wife. Many P addicts think it's unrelated, but once they get on a site like TTF and start being honest, they realize what's been happening to them.

[Hibiscus]

I've heard this motive come up a lot and I think it's BS. It always seems to be a motive us PA's give our spouses to help us get out of trouble somehow by making our SO's start to think there's some possibility this is their fault. Whenever you read any PA's anonymous journal on TTF, nobody EVER gives this as a reason. It's complete and total BS and a lame excuse. When I looked at P, I kept my SO out of my mind. Sometimes I would, and I know somebody's going to hate me for this, but I would envision me doing things I had seen in P to my wife. But most of the time, the wife is just not in your mind at all (except for being paranoid about when she will be back or if she will come in the room). I found that P wasn't something to punish her with, but it was something I used to satisfy the sexual desires I had in place of her. PA's don't normally have much of a sexual apatite for their SO's since they're satisfied with P. They prefer P to their SO's because P is no work, allows any fantasy, and is readily available. You don't have to treat P nicely, or love it. P doesn't care whether you take out the trash or vacuum. It's easy. The trick that PA's don't realize in their blind temptation is that P is the very thing that makes them un-attracted to their wife. Many P addicts think it's unrelated, but once they get on a site like TTF and start being honest, they realize what's been happening to them.

Wow, thank you SteelerFan. I think that is the level of honesty most of us SOs crave, but that our PAs have difficulty expressing to us in person. It's one of the main reasons I feel such a difference this time around and that I believe my husband is now truly in recovery. Over the previous years, all of his statements on the subject were excuses and justifications. This is the first time he has admitted part of the draw was the ease, minimal effort, and constant availability. It didn't care what mood he was in and he didn't have to worry it was upset with him. You should post the final comment about P diminishing attraction to their SOs in your journal and/or in the main recovery section. It's such a simple, yet powerful, statement. I've seen my husband's physical desire for me grow much stronger over the months, as his time away from P increased. I don't think most PAs are able to realize that until they have some recovery time behind them. Maybe you, and other recovering PAs, confirming and explaining that to them, would help encourage those who are struggling to let some time pass, free from the images. Ultimately, I would think that building back to a very satisfying intimate relationship with someone's SO would be more rewarding (physically and emotionally) then images and their own hand...at least, I sure hope so.