Cracking the nut open

[champagnesuppanova]

Hi there. I'm new here but I am here because my BF admitted to me that he is a PA. I knew this before I heard the admission, but I had decided to take a "softly softly" approach. My question is really where do I go from here? He is a man who doesn't really like to talk about emotions or his internet use. I have explained to him how I feel he has this secret world on his computer that I am playing second fiddle to. He says he loves me and that I am number one to him. But I am scared to confront him directly about the PA - even after his admission. Almost immediatley after he had made the admission, he shut down the conversation as thought it was too much for him to carry on talking. I said to him "thank you for being so honest and sharing that with me". and he said "yeah, yeah". It was clear he couldn't/wouldn't engage any more that evening. That was about 4 or 5 days ago. Since then I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I want to try to grasp the momentum of his admission but I have no idea how to take things forward. So can you help me and tell me how it was that your partner approached the issue with you and what was it that made you finally open up and talk about it with your partner?

Thank you .

[rosie]

I would just tell him straight up that you want to talk about it. it's your relationship and business, and you have a right to the details without him controlling the discourse.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[JenMac]

Hi Champagne!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad that you are here!
As for your bf, I think it is a positive thing that 1. he recognizes his problem and 2. that he came to you and told you about it. That to me is a very positive beginning!
As for how to talk to your bf about all of this, hmmm, well I would say in our case it took some time but it wasn't ignored. You see, in our case, it was only upon my discovery that this came to light. In the beginning there was much downplaying on my H's part as he was trying to minimize the damage. It took some time for him to be able to admit to much of what he was doing, both to me and to himself I think.
Also, we found that we were either dealing with it intensely or trying to act as if this wasn't happening at all, in the beginning. It took some time for us to find a balance in which this was just part of our lives and we dealt with it continually. After one year's time, we still discuss things related to this daily.
A couple of suggestions for you.
Write a letter, expressing how this affects you. That can work wonders just by putting your thoughts down for both you and him.
I have also seen it suggested to set a time during the week to discuss this, perhaps giving your bf some warning about what it is you want to discuss so that he doesn't feel he is being put on the spot, that he has time to mentally prepare himself for it. (Thanks Cris!)
Also, in the beginning I gave my H copies of certain posts and articles that I felt would help him to understand his addiction and my trauma. That was very important to our recovery I feel.
I wouldn't let it just fade away without talking about it Champagne. It is very important to get that communication going as that is what will help both in his addiction and the saving of your relationship. But do remember that it is a process and it will not all happen at once.
Wishing you all the best Champagne!
Jenn

[maggie]

Hi Champagne,

Your posting, although sad...touched my heart!

You are so kind to be " walking on egg shells " wondering how to talk to your BF about this problem, without upsetting him. You are sweet.

In many relationships here, SOs discovered this secret.... we were not told about it. And to add to the hurt and shock, many of us here have been married to a man that we completely trusted and believed in for years when we discovered this secret life.

As upsetting as all of this is for you... the spectrum of emotions and feelings that invade your mind and darken your relationship with your BF... the very fact that he came to you and shared this embarrassing problem gives both of you a big step forward in solving the problem and healing from all of this.

I'm guessing you are both about 30ish...where this internet porn problem is rampant.

I have a friend who is a college instructor and he has caught many students looking at p during class!! Understandably there is an interest and curiosity to see it all, but it's so easy for this to get out of control. The reason I'm writing this-- I guess--- is not to excuse or lessen what he was doing, but to recognize that he had the courage to confide in you. Some of his friends would probably not support that.

Jenn gave you solid advice about writing him a letter to express how you feel about it all. You are hurt. What he is doing is hurting you. Maybe explaining how it makes you feel about yourself and about him... will help.

As incredible as it may sound to you, many men do not see how doing this should hurt their partner!! I guess it all becomes somewhat surreal to them and they may not realize that all of those images and fantasies swirling around in their mind affect their thoughts and actions and can work against forming enjoyable and honest relationships.

Sorry if I gave too much info. But you & your bf seem to be kind and caring and ready to work through this to heal and restore your relationship.

Maggie

[Mac]

Hi There Champagne
Like everyone else I am sad to see you here on TTF, although you have for sure come to good place to get some support and hopefully some guidance in dealing with your BF's PA.
It is definately very positive that he has come out and admitted his problem and that is a good, albeit a very small step in the right direction. You say he is the type of man that doesn't like to talk about emotions, well what guy does? But if he is serious about doing something about his addiction, he better get used to talking about emotions and a whole bunch of other things that he may not be used to talking about.
You feel like he has this secret world on his computer, that's because he does. You say you feel second fiddle and that's because you are. You are afraid to confront him directly about his PA, but at some point it has to come to that. Maybe giving him a bit of space to come to terms with some of this isn't neccessarily a bad idea, but now that it is out there it has to be brought to the forefront so you guys can start dealing with it and if he isn't going to do that, you may have no choice at some point but to push it out there and force the issue, kind of let the chips fall were they may. At this point as you said, he couldn't/wouldn't go any farther with the conversation. It is very possible that he just couldn't take it any farther right then. It is definately a lot for you to grasp on to all it once and I can tell you he is feeling the same way, pretty overwhelming for both of you. Again it is tough to really start getting this all out in the open, but the opportunity is there for you both to start on a recovery path, don't let it slip away.
Early on in my recovery my wife very matter of factly layed it on the line as to what she needed to see from me in regards to my direction towards recovery and she also was very specific with her own needs. She left absolutely no room for any kind of misinterpretation, I knew everyday exactly where I stood. I think that is a good approach and I know it was one that worked for me.
So i guess what i am saying is, know your own boundries and expectations and be sure you communicate the same to him. This way he will not waste anytime trying to figure out what you expect. This may sound a little heavy handed but as long as you put it out there and then assure him you are there by his side to support him every step of the way, I think it is a good basis to head in the right direction for you both.
I post this only from my own experience. My wife and I approached this together and we dealt with it together every step of the way. We have also both been here together from the beginning.

I wish you all the best
keep coming here, you will find the supportyou need.
I hope your BF will find his way here as well.

All the best
Mac

[champagnesuppanova]

You feel like he has this secret world on his computer, that's because he does. You say you feel second fiddle and that's because you are.
Mac

Thank you for your honesty Mac. When I read this, it made me cry because I was desperately wanting to believe my BF when he said I was his number one. But I think deep down I knew it couldn't be true - because if I was number one, he wouldn't do these things to hurt me in this way. I think I needed a good dose of honesty. Today is a tough day. I've posted in my journal. I feel quite weak and empty after writing all that now.

But thank you again. Realism is good I think.

[stillandagain]

Welcome Champagne!

I pray you find support here and that you find this a place where you can just say anything and everything!

Take Care of you!

[Mac]

Champagne

You know something, your BF in his mind right now probably does feel like you are number one in his life. Us PA's have a way of being able to look at our P use and our lives with our partners as very seperate. It's a sad statement but the addiction just seems to completely distort our thinking. That is the kind of fog that this addiction puts us in. Recovery will have to start to happen before he realizes where he has put you. This realization when it comes to us PA's is a tough pill to swallow. When we start to come out of this fog, I talk about and start to open our eyes to the path of destruction left in the wake of our PA, there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with this that has to be dealt with. It is not an easy path, but well worth it.
I was trying to be honest with you, but I can see that I maybe could have been a little gentler in my approach. Sorry about the tears. Sometimes tears are good though.

Does your BF know your have come to this site?
Would he consider joining as well?
This is a great place to recover together.
I know he is feeling very alone right now with this, but he doesn't have to be. All the PA's here are just like him.

I pray you can find a way to get something rolling.

Mac

[champagnesuppanova]

To Mac,

Your post was honest and truthful about what you know of the mind of a PA. You should not apologise for telling me how it is! I appreciate that you took the time and trouble to respond to my question. And as I said before, a dose of telling it like it is was probably what I needed.

My BF and I still haven't talked any more about his PA. But things between us seem to be picking up. The last 3 days I know he won't have had an opportunity to look at P so maybe that has something to do with it - I don't know. But when it's good like this, I don't complain! It saddens me that I still have that cloud at the back of my mind knowing that sooner or later he will revert to watching P. And I long to be able to talk to him about it without him worrying what I think of him. I wish he could understand that I know it is a problem, but it doesn't make me hate him - I hate the P for what it does to him and how it grips him. The two are separate in my mind. I don't know if that is the right way to see it, but it's how I visualise it in my head.

Thanks again for your post Mac. Please do not feel bad in the slightest - honesty and straight talking is why I am here. It's what I need right now.

[maggie]

" I wish he could understand that I know it is a problem, but it doesn't make me hate him - I hate the P for what it does to him and how it grips him. The two are separate in my mind."

You have such an open mind and good attitude Champagne...I guess that is a more loving and mature way to feel.... when someone we love has a problem.
Hate the problem...the alcohol, the p, the drugs... that harms the person we care about.

But, the nature of P is different. It takes something intimate.... tarnishes it and flaunts it...carelessly. This is what causes some of us to take it more personally and feel resentment toward the person who got involved. The " How could he do that ? "

Thanks for writing this because it is a reminder to me that it is the P industry that should cause negative feelings not the person who became one of its many victims.