I feel guilty when I demand my SO show me his history, etc.

[FaithStrengthLove]

When I go through my boyfriend's account, history, etc., I feel guilty. When I question him I feel guilty. He deleted many of his social networks and has given me all his passwords, but he still does things that hurt me. Even so, I feel guilty. I do not like feeling like a warden. I feel bad every time I go through his accounts or history. Why do I feel so guilty? Should I feel this way?

Demand wasn't the right wording. I don't have to demand it. He is very open about it and doesn't object ever. He's been very fair and understanding about that...

[Greeneyed Girl]

I don't believe you should feel guilty at all. He is the one who has broken the trust in your relationship and if he openly and honestly wants to work things out then he has to be accountable for what he does online. That condition is non negotiable for me if my PA SO should decide he wants to work things out and let me tell you I wont feel guilty in the slightest.

Good luck to you FSL in working out your relationship.

[stillandagain]

I used to feel guilty, but don't at all anymore! I don't "snoop" nearly as much either. That probably sounds like a contradiction, but it isn't to me. I was driving myself crazy checking behind him.

Now I have the passwords to the filters, he does not erase history and I DO check it, amopng other accountability methods. The difference is that I am not policing ALL THE TIME! I had to stop that.

Stopping it, or lessening it, however, is NOT because I feel guilty! It is because it was driving ME crazy!

[JenMac]

I agree wholeheartedly with Stillandagain.
The searching can drive us crazy. It can become an obsession.
It is up to him to prove to you that he is not seeking P and subsequently to prove he has nothing to hide.
You should have the passwords, there should be no history erased, there should be evidence of honesty rather than deceit.
No guilt Faith! But don't go against your principles either!
Jenn

[FaithStrengthLove]

All of you. Your responses have been incredibly helpful. I guess part of why I feel guilty is due to the guilt I feel about him needing P. It is something I am battling.... I battle feeling that maybe if I did something differently, looked better, or was good enough he would not need those things... I know I should not feel that way, but in the back of my mind I still feel that way!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi FaithStrengthLove,

Is your partner seeking recovery? As part of recovery, you shouldn't have to demand or seek anything. He should show you and be glad to do it. If he has nothing to hide, then he has nothing to hide. He created the need to check, so check if you need to. As you see actions on his part to show you he is serious, your need to check will get less and less.

Also, as part of recovery, he should be reassuring you at ALL times that his addiction and behavior has nothing to do with you. Of course, being transparent and emotionally vulnerable is hard for many of us, and hard for PAs in particular. That's why part of recovery often involves counselling so that our PA partners can learn what makes them tick and so they can learn to relate better to the people they love.

I know what its like to feel like this is your fault. Now, you may be a supermodel, I don't know. I am not. But, I like to remind myself that Tiger Woods was an SA who cheated on his beautiful model wife. It just goes to show that PA/SA can touch anyone in any life circumstance. It doesn't matter if you are young, beautiful, and perfect, this would still happen to you if this is what your partner chooses to do. Please read through these forums and other P advocacy books and information so you can be reassured that is is NOT your fault in any way. If fact, you holding on to responsibilty for this lets him off the hook in some ways. Why should HE seek recovery if this is your problem?

I pray for you to have peace.

[rosie]

I think you feel guilty because you are doing something wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I know why you are doing it, and I have done it thousands of times myself. However, I believe your feelings are always right - you feel guilt because you are violating his boundaries.

It is his responsibility to prove to you that he is in recovery and it is not your responsibility to monitor him. I think monitoring is rescuing and I think its part of codependancy. As an adult, your HB has a right to do whatever he wants - and you have a right to divorce him if you don't like it. All you can do is set your boundaries, and let him make his own decisions.

If your boyfriend knows that P hurts you so much and you WILL NOT live with it, but yet continues to hurt you in this way, then you have to make a decision about how you will proceed.

I believe that if your HB needs an accountability partner, you should not be it. I think a counsellor or other 3rd party is better to take on this role. It is not your job, you are not his mother and you need to be spending every bit of time you have on healing YOURSELF not playing mother/sergeant/warden/captain/etc to your partner.

[FaithStrengthLove]

I think you feel guilty because you are doing something wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I know why you are doing it, and I have done it thousands of times myself. However, I believe your feelings are always right - you feel guilt because you are violating his boundaries.

I respectfully disagree, Rosie. And while I thank you for being vocal, I dislike how you started your response. I am not doing anything wrong, and here's why: He violated and disrespect me and our relationship. He betrayed my trust. He was wrong, and my feelings were caused by his addiction to P.

If I were to accept your advice as truth and accept that "my feelings are right," I would also have to accept that I am worthless, unattractive, undesirable, etc. I feel this way. Are these feelings right? Intuition and feelings are two different things. My feelings are due to the insecurities I now have and the trust issues. My feelings are biased due to this. My intuition, on the other hand, is not.

I am not violating his boundaries. He gave me his account information voluntarily, and he told me to check whenever I feel like it. Some days I check, and some days I do not.

And why should I not be his accountability partner? What is your reasoning? I am his partner, and I am the one dealing with this with him, so why not? We're a young couple, and we cannot afford therapy right now. He doesn't have friends who would take this seriously, either... So who then?

I am not sneaking through his accounts, therefore I'm not snooping.

I do agree that I need to be healing right now. But part of my healing is in helping/being supportive. He and I are in this together.

[TrueBlue]

And why should I not be his accountability partner? What is your reasoning? I am his partner, and I am the one dealing with this with him, so why not? We're a young couple, and we cannot afford therapy right now. He doesn't have friends who would take this seriously, either... So who then?

I am not sneaking through his accounts, therefore I'm not snooping.

I do agree that I need to be healing right now. But part of my healing is in helping/being supportive. He and I are in this together.

Since there are so many different approaches to things, people can get caught up on what works for them (or doesn't) as being the only way that works. Take what is useful, and just let the rest go.

My husband and I are in our 20s, and I am his sole "accountability" person other than God and his own conscience. We also cannot afford therapy, and there are no local 12 step groups here (and he probably would be unwilling to attend if there were). That being said, he has done very well. No relapses, much better communication, and a vastly more fulfilling marriage.

Anyways, just wanted you to know that you are not in an impossible or insurmountable situation. Working through these issues in your marriage WITH your husband can lead to a very precious relationship.

Hang in there, it's a crazy ride with lots of ups and downs, but it does get better.

All the best,
TrueBlue

[Crisodian]

I, too, am my husband's accountability partner. Interestingly enough, we were "warned" many times by others who meant well, that a husband and wife accountability system wouldn't, or shouldn't work.

Pffft! Don't believe it.

At the end of the day, you do what is best for you and your marriage. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If it works for you and yours, then it's what is right for you and yours.

I guess part of why I feel guilty is due to the guilt I feel about him needing P. It is something I am battling.... I battle feeling that maybe if I did something differently, looked better, or was good enough he would not need those things... I know I should not feel that way, but in the back of my mind I still feel that way!

This is not an uncommon feeling. I would bet most SOs would admit to sharing those thoughts on most days. You need to focus on the reality that no matter if you looked like a super model, we're a perfect mom and wife, did everything he asked or wanted, he still would have looked at P because, as hard as it is to convince ourselves otherwise, it's not about our looks or our actions or what we could/should/would have done differently. And while we are very much impacted by our partner's choices when it comes to P, it was never anything we did or said (or didn't do) that made them make that choice.

It's not easy taming our brains into acceptance of that, especially when our self-esteem takes such a hit from PA.

Peace,
~C~