Am I triggering my PA?

[FaithStrengthLove]

Do acts of intimacy on the phone between PA and SO act as a trigger? Do photographs and video of the SO trigger a PA?

I really need some advice here, because I do not want to hurt is recovery in any way.

[waterlily327]

I have the same exact question-at least about the intimacy part. I am afraid to be flirty when we talk or video chat now because I am afraid it will trigger his need for P. I was told every couple has a different way of working through this, but please, any answers on this would be really helpful here...the more feedback the better. :-s

[FaithStrengthLove]

Waterlily, I am so scared of that. I don't know what will or won't trigger it, and I don't want to be a stumbling block in his path to recovery... When it's time to flirt or anything like that, I feel bad for numerous reasons: self-esteem, not wanting to be a trigger, etc...

I wish someone would respond. I really need advice on this! :-s

[betrayed family]

Waterlilly and FaithStrength,
This question is unanswerable for anyone else except for each individual couple... for each addict...
I think that you need to openly discuss this with them.... Explain that you don't want to sabatoge their efforts .....
Only they can know.... and then the 2 of you, as a couple , can know where the guidelines lie ..
Just my opinion..
Good luck!!
Betrayedfamily

[rosie]

I'm not a PA, but as a SO of one, I have done alot of thinking on this.

I actually realised during some deep thinking about these issues that I actually do objectify myself when I was 'flirting' with my husband. I guess over time I was conditioned to get his attention this way which is something I no longer buy into.

I have changed how I do things now - and if something is focused only on physical sexuality, I don't do it. Eg: sexy pictures or videos are a definite no no for me. I think this can feed into the objectification cycle of P, but i do not believe that we are responsible for 'triggering' a PA at all - in any sense of the word, I believe that is about them, not us.

I would definitely not allow any photos, or anything objectifying in my relationship again. This includes "dirty talk" (which is essentially just objectifying talk), and anything like it.

As for verbal "flirting" - the same applies...An example of what I mean is this; I think its okay to say "i want you", but I don't find it okay to say "I want to do x to you" because I think this focuses way too much on the physical side of things and in essence, is objectifying.

To me, everything has had to change - giving up P is only one cog on the wheel as far as im concerned and I have learnt a whole lot about how I was feeding into his objectification cycle by essentially cheapening myself to act like a porn star. I will never do that again.

Another thing I have learnt is that anything that people claim will "spice up your sex life" actually means "porn star up your sex life", and well, I am a woman, and a mother, and a wife, and I have a career outside of the sex industry - I am not a porn star, and I have no desire to act like one.

As far as im concerned, sex is about connecting with someone you love, and not about anything physical...along with this mind set behaviour does have to change, but it depends on what you want and what you consider intimacy in your own life. To me, anything that is fake (role playing, dirty talk, objectifying yourself) and cheapens the encounter is out.

Instead of asking yourself "will this trigger my PA", why don't you instead ask yourself "why am I doing this and what will it achieve". I don't really get the point of videos and photos if the PA can have intimate loving sex with his SO. As far as I believe, by objectifying yourself (turning yourself into a flat image - which is the very definition of objectification) in this way would be personally degrading and also harmful to recovery. The point is, as a woman, you are made up of your body, your mind, your emotions, your experiences, and your spirituality - and anything that cuts out some components of you in the name of 'sexiness' is objectifying and serves to undermine true connection and intimacy.

[BelieveInHope]

Quote:
The point is, as a woman, you are made up of your body, your mind, your emotions, your experiences, and your spirituality - and anything that cuts out some components of you in the name of 'sexiness' is objectifying and serves to undermine true connection and intimacy.

Amazing sentence, Rosie. I completely agree.

[FaithStrengthLove]

While I don't agree with everything, overall, I liked the post.

[Crisodian]

Do acts of intimacy on the phone between PA and SO act as a trigger? Do photographs and video of the SO trigger a PA?

I really need some advice here, because I do not want to hurt is recovery in any way.

I actually think betrayedfamily hit the nail on the head with her answer.

Waterlilly and FaithStrength,
This question is unanswerable for anyone else except for each individual couple... for each addict...
I think that you need to openly discuss this with them.... Explain that you don't want to sabatoge their efforts .....
Only they can know.... and then the 2 of you, as a couple , can know where the guidelines lie ..
Just my opinion..
Good luck!!
Betrayedfamily

This is something only you and your partner can work out. Your PA has to identify what is triggering for them. For some, this may just be another way for them to get their "fix" ... just another way for them to seek material to cause them to act out AND justify it by rationalizing that it is their SO. For others, this may not be an issue at all.

It helps a lot to have open and honest communication with our partners regarding what triggers them and what doesn't.

Good luck on your journey.

Peace,
~C~