What can I do to make honesty easier for my PAH?

[SillySarah]

For those who don't know me, I am an SO of a PA not in recovery of any kind, in complete denial. I have made many of my own mistakes throughout our relationship. I have accepted my share, and understand that what I am dealing with is somewhat related. But I must start somewhere and now is the time. In my quest for peace in my life and faith I am struggling with finding a way to love and support my H regardless of his failures and faults. I know I need honesty in order to feel safe enough within my marriage to truly be the kind of wife God requires of me. So I am praying that some of you gentlemen have any ideas or suggestions for me as I go through this. I am thinking that I somehow have to create an environment where he feels safe and secure enough to share his failures or transgressions with me... Am I on the right path? What would you need in order to be completely honest with your wife? Would you have been able, willing, or even inclined to honesty with your SO prior to recovery, before you really saw there was a problem with your behavior?

Thank you for reading and I hope that you feel comfortable sharing with me.

Sarah

[rosie]

See how you're trying to fix it Sarah? This isn't your addiction. He is not in recovery - there is nothing you can do.

Instead, why don't you head over to recovery nation and work on healing yourself. They have a SO workshop :)

[FoolishMind]

Hello Sarah,

I Don't think Rosie's response is the best and final answer to your questions. Rosie is correct in saying it is not your addiction, and of course you can not fix a problem with someone elses addiction. But you can most definitely support them and steer them in the right direction.

There are lots of things you can do to support and encourage honesty in your partner opening up to you about this, and to gain this confidence requires you to understand PA in its fullest, and really try and get inside the head of a PA. Of course the first steps are really for you partner to take by acknowledging there is a problem in the first instance, only with that acknowledgement can he take the right positive steps. You cannot begin recovery until you have fully gained the knowledge to understand the why's and hows.

Do you look through this forum as it covers a wealth of knowledge tips, and suggestions to get you and your partner through this. Very much like you, my wife came on this site asking for advice on what to do, and she was advise to get me on this site, and more than 3 years later here I still am, and have been clean for over 3 years!

All the best.

FM

[rosie]

Oh, sorry I didn't mean that there is nothing you can do to encourage honesty - sorry. I just meant that sometimes we have to focus on us rather than them if we want to heal, particularly if they are not in recovery.

The way I see it, is that if someone doesn't think they have a problem, then they probably don't see a reason to be honest about it, so I just think that maybe your time would be better spent investing into something that will have measurable gains (yourself and your own healing).

As for what you can do to encourage honesty? Be as gentle as possible with his honesty - i must admit I can't seem to manage this because its hurtful but maybe you are stronger!

I hope that your hubby does come on board Sarah, maybe he would benefit from reading this forum? If you can get him here. It is nice to know you are not alone from both sides (Pa and SO).

[TooSensitive]

Hello SS, I think that Rosie’s suggestion is good, as well as FM’s. The trick is to know when to focus more on one than the other for your own wellbeing, IMO.

It is all well and good to steer the addict in the right direction. But if they continue to be resistant and do not want to keep going with it, we have to recognize when it is time to pull back. If they learn how to be receptive to our “help” and then are able to run with the ball themselves at some point, then our efforts will not have been in vain. And all the while, it is best if we don’t invest ourselves so deeply that we become consumed and lost in trying to get them to recover. We cannot forget about ourselves in the process. I think we become consumed and get lost when things only seem to be happening due to our pushing; and when they never learn how to push in the right direction themselves.

There are many addicts here who have accepted some help from their partners. They’ve also learned how to run with that recovery ball themselves. They realize the importance of honesty and are practicing that at the highest levels.

There are other addicts who have been or continue to be resistant to any help. But that’s b/c they don’t even want to help themselves. Or, they want to only help themselves, b/c they are on that high horse of recovery that leaves no room for the partner to go along for the ride.

So to avoid long-term frustration on your end, recognize when it is time to pull back for your own sanity and when it is time to focus more on yourself. I think that is all Rosie is saying.

After 1-1/2 years of trying to get my h to start being honest with me, I simply gave up. In hindsight, I think I was trying too hard to get him to see the light. I was sacrificing myself and my own sanity in the process. When I stopped trying to get him to see the light, that is when I began to really find some healing for myself. Even though he hasn’t seen the entire light just yet, and there is still room for improvement, I have noticed some improvement in him, which did not happen until I stopped trying to get him to see the light.

We can do all things simultaneously – heal ourselves, help them heal themselves, and heal our relationship too. But only if and when the addict has the same end goal in mind as we do. He must want recovery for himself too, and not just for us. And also not just for themselves, either. I feel there must be a balance between all things. If they do not want recovery also for themselves, then what they learn will not stick. If they only want recovery for themselves, they will go about recovery in a selfish way that leaves no room for us in their lives – and so, we and the relationship will continue to suffer. But when they want recovery not only for us, but also for themselves; or recovery not only for themselves, but also for us; then they will probably be able to strike a good balance that works for all.

When they are not in recovery for both themselves and for us, honesty seems to be one of those things that gets sacrificed along the way, unfortunately.

So I absolutely encourage you encouraging your h to open up with honesty and to encourage him to practice honesty all the time, at the highest levels. No easy feat to hear their honesty without feeling anger as a result, depending. For me, hearing a couple of times about urges did not cause me to feel anger. It helped me to listen when I mentally separated my h, the man, from the addiction. If my h had ever bothered to be honest with me about actual a/o, I don’t know if it would have been as easy for me to remain calm, detached, and supportive; we’ve never crossed that bridge.

I don’t know what the best approach is, b/c neither one worked for us. Remaining calm and supportive the few times my h chose to honestly tell me about urges he did not a/o upon did not work, b/c he failed to remain consistent in doing this. Expressing anger due to my ongoing frustration when he stopped telling me, and further, expressing anger over his lies and expressing anger when I found out on my own that he was a/o did not work either. He still did not come to me with any further confessions.

But if you keep encouraging your h to be honest and he fails to be honest regardless, just please recognize when you might be trying too much, to the point it is causing you to sacrifice yourself too much in the process.

As Rosie said, we have to focus on ourselves if we want to heal, particularly if they are not in recovery. I don’t think we have to focus quite so intensely on ourselves, if they too are in recovery, and are practicing rigorous honesty with us, b/c that all by itself helps us heal, too.

The danger is in pushing more and more, b/c we think that is what we are supposed to do, yet getting results that are no different than before; and at the same time, focusing less and less on ourselves, b/c we can end up getting lost even more in the process. Please learn to recognize when it is time to focus less on him and more on yourself. At some point, they themselves must learn how to take responsibility for being honest, and not just b/c they are reacting to us and our needs. Being honest must become a need of their own, if it is going to stick.

[SillySarah]

Thank you Rosie, FM, and TS! Your comments are much apprieciated. I do admit that at times I do find myself a bit too preoccupied with him to a point where I start to sacrifice my own healing again. I am trying to stop this from happening. I feel I am making a lot of progress at this point in my life. But in becoming accepting of myself and learning to live with this disabling addiction in my life I am finding myself at a crossroads of sorts. I am finding that to any further I need some sort of an honesty bridge between my H and I. Something to hold us together. I don't even know if I actually need details or just a simple open conversation once in a while. But I need something. However impossible and selfish of me, I am discovering that though I love my H I really need a bit more than just my love to go on. I do have God, that is the one thing that keeps me going, that keeps me here in this place. The one reason I have to hope. He has restored my love for my H, he has given me reason to try. To find healing for myself, to find the courage to face this addiction every day. But he has also filled me with light and hope and desire. He has made me see that there is always hope. Even if my H never see's, I will know I did what God had in mind for me.

[rosie]

Thank you Rosie, FM, and TS! Your comments are much apprieciated. I do admit that at times I do find myself a bit too preoccupied with him to a point where I start to sacrifice my own healing again. I am trying to stop this from happening. I feel I am making a lot of progress at this point in my life. But in becoming accepting of myself and learning to live with this disabling addiction in my life I am finding myself at a crossroads of sorts. I am finding that to any further I need some sort of an honesty bridge between my H and I. Something to hold us together. I don't even know if I actually need details or just a simple open conversation once in a while. But I need something. However impossible and selfish of me, I am discovering that though I love my H I really need a bit more than just my love to go on. I do have God, that is the one thing that keeps me going, that keeps me here in this place. The one reason I have to hope. He has restored my love for my H, he has given me reason to try. To find healing for myself, to find the courage to face this addiction every day. But he has also filled me with light and hope and desire. He has made me see that there is always hope. Even if my H never see's, I will know I did what God had in mind for me.

I get this, truly, I get it - I think we all get it.

The problem I have found is relying on them to come to the party. You aren't ever in control of what they do - I wish I had learnt this years ago. All you can do is go off the information they give you which is not reliable at all in most cases.

I guess it's like trying to make someone lose weight for your own purposes, it doesn't work. They have to want to bridge gaps./do the work themselves.

I understand what and why you want it Sarah but I am trying to tell you that it's futile. All you can do is be the best person you can be, work on your healing and live your life. Unfortunately, you can't make them do this, they have to do it for themselves and any attempts just divert you from your own healing and your own life, and most end up in misery going from my experience.