why won't husband talk about his porn?

[transitionalgrace]

My husband and I were married 34 years before I found his stash. He left the day I learned of it because he has known since day one of our marriage that I will not tolerate p in our household. He never appeared to use it but his father was openly into porn and we worked as police officers in a precinct that had those sleezy little adult entertainment stores and stripe joints so he knew my attitudes on this subject.

The day I found the porn he left and we have been separated since. We talk very little but he did say that we can talk about any subject OTHER THAN HIS PORN INVOLVEMENT. Question 1: why?

I have the computer that I found the stash on. He hasn't touched it since I found it. I showed my attorney. We have found that he uses aliases, he has favored at least 30 websites. He has been active in chatrooms with younger women and he has aliases on myspace (as a single man) and on mylife. One only knows how many others he has. He has lots of pictures of women that he has had contact with on the computer and maps to homes and local areas. He denies having physical contact with any of the women.

I told several of my friends and family of his interests, not out of anger but out of concern and quite frankly shock! He blames me for people knowing. He is avoiding everyone. He is only assuming that people know when in fact he isn't sure who knows. Yet he tells me that he doesn't find anything wrong with porn and he can give it up anytime he wants to. Granted, he admitted to me that he has been using porn for 30 years. He is angry with me. Too bad for him. He has little contact with our kids and when he does only two topics are safe to talk about, his work and running.

He has told one person that he is having marital problems, but never let that person know that we are living separately. He has chosen to live in cheap hotels rather than get an efficiency apartment. He runs daily at the college that he works at. That's his life, work and running. People tell me that he is feeling shame and humiliation. I think that he is just worried about when he is going to get his next fix of his drug of choice. Porn!

Am I wrong about this? Does he feel shame and humiliation? Why won't he talk about his porn activity? Why is he avoiding people? Why won't he tell people the truth about our relationship? Why is he avoiding his attorney who he didn't tell about the porn either?

Opinions are appreciated. Thanks

[FoolishMind]

Hi transitionalgrace,

Obviously no one can really answer the "why's" specifically on your husbands behalf. But depending on where his mindset is at right now, I can try and give you some insight based on my personal experience.

Firstly if your husband does not acknowledge he has a problem with P, then quite simply he will see you as the problem. and therefore the why's wont be answered, and he would not want to engage in conversation about it, knowing your stance, and knowing that he wants his P hit when he want it.

If your husband on the other hand does acknowledge he has a problem, a lot of us, when first realising this can have a huge impact on us, and it can take a some time for us to process this and evaluate what we have become. Personally it took me about 2 weeks to really analyse myself and I was just in a shell. The only communication I really had with my wife was via this site.

Does he feel shame? Absolutely, but he wont show it, he will put up a very tough front. would he share this with anyone? why would he? there are not many people in this world that would openly tell another that they have marital problems.

And that said, You dont have a marital problem. Your husband has a problem with the addiction to P. this is something you cannot resolve. He has to acknowledge that he has a problem first, before he can even begin to solve it. Try getting him to look at this site, as many PA's dont realise there are others with the same issue. and generally they can take comfort in that and will then start to open up.

Only after I realised I wasnt the only one, I started to open up.

Wishing you the best of strength and I truly hope you husband will open his eye to the damage P really does.

FM

[transitionalgrace]

Thanks FM,

I tried to get my husband to every website that I know of. He refuses to look at them. He doesn't need the help, or so he believes.
I agree with you when you write that he sees me as the problem, which makes me question whether he really feels shame. I don't think he does. He has to believe that what he is doing is wrong and he doesn't.

I thank you for your honest reply.

[TooSensitive]

TG, I agree with FM. I believe your h does feel shame and humilitation; he is just choosing to bury it. He cannot face it. He won’t really allow himself to feel it. Avoiding it is a way for him to continue to justify his use. After all, if he doesn’t feel ashamed, then what could possibly be wrong with it? Yet if it were not something of which to feel ashamed, then he should not have any problem talking about it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that “actions speak louder than words”. Your h is saying one thing yet doing another. His actions indicate that in fact he is ashamed of his behavior, IMO. I think your h feels this on some level but does all he can to hide this and deny this and to make others believe that it does not exist either. That is why you cannot see it – b/c he is doing what he can not to show it. But his inability to talk about his behavior with you, of all people, is clearly a contradiction in and of itself, IMO.

And yes, as FM points out, we do become the “enemy”, when we are standing between the p and them. It is only through a willingness and a desire to recover, that we have any chance of becoming their “friend” again. But that desire will not come, until and unless they first acknowledge and then admit that there is a problem to begin with.

Your h is also in denial. Hugely in denial. The denial allows them to protect the addiction; the denial allows them to continue on with the behavior. The denial justifies not seeking recovery. The denial allows them to avoid talking about it. If they deny the problem exists, then what do they need help with, and what is there to talk about?

I’ve learned that when avoidance and denial are in the picture, there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it. We cannot make these things go away; we cannot make them see the light. We cannot control anything they do. What they do is only their choice. Yes, we can give them ultimatums; but how much do those do, really? It might push them to seek help; but if they never cross that threshold of wanting that help for themselves too (and not just to stay with us), it only sinks in so far. There will always be a wall of resistance which doesn’t allow much to be absorbed at a deep level.

TG, I don’t want to sound harsh, but to me, your h is showing you just what his priorities are. When my h does that, I use it to distance myself emotionally from him to protect myself. Your h is also proving how unworthy he is of having you in his life. He does not deserve you; and in the end, it will be his loss more than any other.

His running has an uncanny parallel to his own life. He runs to stay fit I assume; but he is in fact running 24/7, from the rest of his life. Running is a way to feel free; but running is also a way to avoid. He will find that the freedom he has created for himself by cutting himself off from everyone and the freedom he may feel when he runs also allows him to avoid. He will wake up one day and realize how all alone he is; and then, he will regret it. This may not happen for years to come; but it will happen one day, I feel certain. And then, to soothe and medicate himself, he will turn right back to the p again. Vicious cycle.

He isn’t talking and he is avoiding people b/c the isolation is part of what allows his addiction to continue on. It is only in talking about it and in forming and maintaining connections with others who mean something to us that it becomes harder for the addiction to thrive. The addiction thrives in darkness; when you bring it out into the light, that light in fact takes power away from the addiction.

Through all of this, I hope you are finding some healing for yourself. I can imagine how hard it is to face the end of your marriage, after a lifetime of history and raising children with your h. I often think the longer our history with them, the more difficult it can be to find that healing. Difficult, but not impossible.

[gnein]

My husband and I were married 34 years before I found his stash. He left the day I learned of it because he has known since day one of our marriage that I will not tolerate p in our household. He never appeared to use it but his father was openly into porn and we worked as police officers in a precinct that had those sleezy little adult entertainment stores and stripe joints so he knew my attitudes on this subject.

The day I found the porn he left and we have been separated since. We talk very little but he did say that we can talk about any subject OTHER THAN HIS PORN INVOLVEMENT. Question 1: why?

This is a difficult question to answer without knowing either you or him personally, but there are a couple of general truths here that might need to be repeated. First of all, only he can decide to give up P. I know you're hurting from watching your H descend into this state, but in the end, it's a decision that he has to make for himself. If he doesn't want to give it up, no amount of cajoling or coaxing on your (or anyone else's) part is going to make him.

A lot of men (myself included) have a problem with what they perceive as "nagging". Basically, the more I'm told I "should" do a particular thing, the less likely I am to do it, and this goes for a lot of other men, too. It's quite possible that each time you ask him to talk about it, he just digs in, puts a few more bricks on top of the emotional "wall" he's built up around himself, and moves further into silence. If you're living apart from him, perhaps a better strategy might be to shut off communication with him for a while, and let him realise on his own how much it's hurting you, and how you're not prepared to take it any more.

Finally, if he hid the P from you for a number of years, there's a possibility he's been hiding other things, too. If he's talking to younger women on Myspace, keeping pictures of them, knowing their addresses *and* telling them he's single, I'd be willing to bet that something is going on there. He might be hiding that as much as he's hiding the P. Yes, trust is all well and good, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are, it's a duck.

[transitionalgrace]

Thank you all for your comments. I wrote a long reply and then for some reason it kicked me out so I am trying this again.

FM - I have done some studies on the signs of shame and I do believe that you may be right so I apologize if I sounded so negative. When you don't have communication with someone for nearly 7 months, you don't always have a clear viewpoint or understanding of what is going on.'

FM, Too Sensitive and Gnein - I agree that my husband is in denial! He is in major denial, but sadly I think that he knows he has the addiction. He is a college professor that teaches criminal justice. ONe of the subjects that he teaches with other disciplines is the dangers of pornography. He teaches the students the dangers of communicating and sending pictures with people on the internet because you don't really know if they are who they say they are. '

Gnein - my husband is on myspace and my life under aliases. He says that he is single. He used nearly 30 websites on a regular basis. He has downloaded pictures of women, their driver licenses, he has searched for s3xual partners online, we are now in bankruptcy, he talks to women, uses the chatrooms, live cams and most probable, cybersex. He is into the porn world very deeply.

I have not nagged him because we don't talk. We use email to communicate about bills or household issues. He won't come anywhere near me. He will come to the house and pick up bills when I am not home. He no longer has a key so he picks it up in the milkbox. I also know that I cannot make him do anything. He's always been narcisstic and passive/aggressive and won't do anything he doesn't want to do. So truthfully I didn't waste my time after the first couple of weeks to get him to go for help. Occasionally I will send him a posting about porn, but it's getting less and less. His absence is getting easier to handle as well. I don't live with the constant concern of who he is with, what he is doing, etc... He lives in cheap hotels. He changes those frequently. Sounds paranoid huh.

He told me that he wasn't happy with me for the past 10 years but he has been in porn for many more. I now realize that he is not happy with himself. I am not his problem. And FW you are right, we don't have a marital problem. We are living with a toxic drug problem, and the drug of choice is porn and sex.

Thanks for helping me see that I have been pretty accurate in my feelings and concerns. I have decided to continue to move forward with my life and he can continue to live in his fantasyland.