Compromising

[veevee]

OK, as you all know from my other post, that one of my stipulations to him coming home was for him to get a traditional job instead of his online business. Well, the latest response from him was this.

the business has exploded since he has taken the p out of the equation and with the filters on the computers, he has been stopped from having it spiral into looking. (he has had alot more business in the past week).

Anyway, He said that he has told him mom about the pa.(he is living with her and She has set some rules with him regarding computer usage...which he has followed)

He refuses to get a traditional job and says to make it ok with me that he will go to his MOm's house during the days that I work and he is alone with the computer. (now she is not home all the time but she is home alot more than me).

He wants me to accept this and let him come home. I don't know how I feel about this. I know that I want to help in anyway I can with his pa but I don't want to fall into the trap of being a co-dependant enabler.
I feel like he is just trying to manipulate me. I still am feeling like he has not hit that AHA moment. He claims that he has and he claims that he has been free of P since he left home. He also claims he doesn't mind babying me a little in the beginging but that it is not healthy for him to let me control his life(i agree completely but for some reason him saying this at this stage feels like a bad omen)

I told him i was going to go to counseling myself to heal because it would make me hate myself to hang this over his head for the rest of his life.

I guess my question is....I am confused? I don't know if these are just words or what. He knows I am feeling overwhelmed doing all this alone but....I just need some advice. He still is not being open and he still is turning some things around on me and making me feel like I am to blame.

[Charly22]

I would have to say "always trust your gut feeling". It's usually right.

Why would you go to counseling alone? Shouldn't he be a part of that?

[NewHope10]

He still is not being open and he still is turning some things around on me and making me feel like I am to blame.

This would concern me.

In my situation at home, I expect NO P - him getting and continuing to get outside help...and him giving me 100% honesty and 100% transparacy, 100% of the time.

Now - do I get the 100% honesty and transparancy 100% of the time? I don't think so - but he's working on it and is better than he's ever been. I will also "call" him on things if I think he's not being honest. But I have to remember: progress...not perfection.

However, if my H were still turning some things around and blaming me - or "justifying" - or making excuses...that would sound off an alarm for me.

That's just my situation.

As for your H's work situation...do you know why he doesn't want a traditional job?

My H always looked for work that would allow him to work from home. I have come to the conclusion (and it is my opinion) that he wanted to work from home because this would give him plenty of time to "use" P. It would also allow him to take naps...play games...and basically fart around and not take his job(s) seriously. Oh...I would see spurts of dedication to his job from time to time, but there was A LOT of wasted time. I look back and think to myself...why didn't I say anything to him? And I know its because I was enabling him. I've changed since then and will no longer do that.

Again...that's just my situation here.

What are you willing to live with? Just give yourself time to think about it.

[JenMac]

He also claims he doesn't mind babying me a little in the beginging but that it is not healthy for him to let me control his life(i agree completely but for some reason him saying this at this stage feels like a bad omen)

This statement here tells me that your H does not yet understand how crushing this is to you. He does not get that this addiction is a serious, serious threat to the health and intimacy of a relationship. He does not comprehend the depth of the despair you are feeling and so he dismisses your feelings.
No we should not feel the need to control our Hs but until they truly understand what this has done to themselves and their relationships, we can not feel safe in those relationships. That is why we try to control it, for our own mental and emotional safety and wellbeing. It doesn't work by the way but that is what the control is about.
As the others have said, trust your instincts. Maybe if you don't jump right back in, he will have more time to absorb the severity of this situation. But that is of course entirely up to you and what works in your situation.
If your H truly understood he would not be making statements like this to you. He would be trying to make things right. He would be trying to help you heal.
Seek that for yourself Vee. Counselling on your own is a good thing as it enables you to get those feelings out and helps you to determine your boundaries, to decide what is best for you and to put a plan in place. Relationship healing can always take place alongside that if you decide that is what you desire. But work on yourself and your needs first. You are the important one at this time!
Take care!
Jenn

[likeafish34]

VeeVee,

I'm a recovering PA.

It sounds like you're suffering a lot. There can be all sorts of factors that drive men to P, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT. That's not to say that you're perfect, but its the PA who chooses to take the route of P.

If you are concerned that your H is still accessing P, can you view his browser history? Or maybe just suggest that you'd like to look at it.

I don't think that you should hold this over his head for ever, but it sounds like its early days and I would expect him to be doing whatever it takes to assure you that he is serious about giving up.

This is the first time that I've posted against a question from a SO to PAs. I hope that I've said nothing that offends you. Please take any useful information and just ignore anything that you don't agree with.

I sincerely hope that your suffering diminishes soon.

Simon

[veevee]

Thank you so much and likeafish..thank you so much for answering. i think that the pa's need to know that your wisdom on these situations and your own experiences are truly a big help. It helps us so's better understand to not take it as a personal assualt when our spouses act out. Please remember that by answering and being there for us SO's that you are taking your demons and using them for good..and that is never a bad thing. I appreciate all the honesty and no I was not offended at all.

[transitionalgrace]

Vee Vee,

My husband left the day I found his stash because he knew that I would not have porn or it's other activites in my life. He knew how much I opposed porn because of my reaction to his father's problem with it.

Your h is not really listening to you! He is not looking at your needs. He is wanting to fulfill his and his only. If he was really going to get out of p he would do more than compromise. He would be looking for ways to work at improving your marriage and gaining back your trust.

Good luck, I hope that you continue to maintain YOUR boundaries and not his.>:D<