How to tell if he is serious about getting help?

[veevee]

My spouse has been lying to me and deceiving me for over 14+ years. When ever something weird would show up on the computer and I inquired about it he told me I was a bad wife for not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Needless to say, I am having trouble believing anything he says now.
He is saying a couple of things like: Like he tried to tell me once 8 years ago(we were fighting about something completely different at the time) about his pa and I said I didn't want to listen to anything else he had to say( i thought he was going to call me another dirty name). Due to this he claims that I forced him to keep his demon in the dark..which in turn has made him worse.

He says that I won't understand pa and when I ask questions he acts irritated and claims that he cant answer anything about it because I won't believe him..I feel like he isn't giving me a chance. He gets angry and with holds his "i love you..." from me.

He is telling me that he will continue to work on his "online" business (which is sporadic at best..we are losing our house due to his refusal to work any job at all) instead of getting a minimum wage job...When I found out about his pa he told me he would sit and watch it for hours...he told me that he would look up something legit and then it would spiral out of control and 4 to 6 hours later he would finally wake up and rush around to get housework done before I came home.
I told him that for a while..until he had some support and had his pa somewhat handled I needed him to get a full time day job away from a computer. I told him I could not go to work without going crazy wondering what he was doing at home. he then got mad at me and told me that "He has confessed and has promsied to never lie again so i should believe him when he says that working at his computer will no longer be a problem..he told me the only reason I want him to work is because I want to be lazy and quit my job."

I told him that if he wanted to work on our marriage that he was going to have to rebuild his word and gain my trust and by babying me a little in the beginging will go a long way. "He said that this ain't about me and just cause he did one little thing wrong does not give me the right to dictate what he can and can't do." He said I need to get it thru my thick head that he is NOT giving up his business for anything.

I said fine ..but that I would not enable him nor would I police him and that him not working was a deal breaker..that he can only come back on my terms. He said fine...he doesn't want to come back because I won't listen to him and I am taking this whole thing way to emotionally.

I can't help but feel like he is not ready to change anything. I can't help but feel like he only told me to relieve himself of guilt and to push the pain on my shoulders. Is this typical..I mean does he seem sincere and just going thru a stage? Have any of you gone thru this and really wanted help? Am I overacting about the job thing? And why won't he talk to me about the type of pa he has? And when he told me everything..I burst out crying and he said...he feels bad for me and wishes he could cry but he says he is unable to....what is that about?
Please help??:((

[artguy34]

Vee,

I am a married PA, and my wife is also on TTF. She is Crisodian. And I have to say that after reading your post, I see many of the same things in your husband that I had done myself. I was blind and ignorant of the effects my PA had done not only to me, but to my wife as well.

One of the things that struck me about your post was the fact that your husband seems very defensive about his PA. Sure he admitted his use to you, but that's it. And quite frankly that's not enough. In fact, it seems very selfish because it seems that he has now gotten a huge burden off his shoulders by having you know of his porn use. However, he is not taking into affect how much this hurts you.

As a porn addict, I know just how selfish this addiction is. Many of the PA's here will admit that they were selfish as well.

My spouse has been lying to me and deceiving me for over 14+ years. When ever something weird would show up on the computer and I inquired about it he told me I was a bad wife for not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Needless to say, I am having trouble believing anything he says now.

He is saying a couple of things like: Like he tried to tell me once 8 years ago(we were fighting about something completely different at the time) about his pa and I said I didn't want to listen to anything else he had to say( i thought he was going to call me another dirty name). Due to this he claims that I forced him to keep his demon in the dark..which in turn has made him worse.

This is an example of how your husband is justifying his use. He is trying to put the blame on you because he has not come to terms with how bad his addiction is. He is defending his porn use and is not ready to let it go. Getting defensive, laying blame on someone else, these are all traits of a PA who is not ready to quit. He will tell you what you want to hear, but he is truly not ready yet.

He says that I won't understand pa and when I ask questions he acts irritated and claims that he cant answer anything about it because I won't believe him..I feel like he isn't giving me a chance. He gets angry and with holds his "i love you..." from me.

Again, defensiveness plus he is showing clear signs that he is not ready (or should I say afraid) to open up. Most likely because he is embarrassed by his porn use. He doesn't want to talk about it because he is afraid to face his problem. It truly doesn't have anything to do about not understanding PA, it is about your husband being afraid... afraid of you knowing what he was getting into.

He is telling me that he will continue to work on his "online" business (which is sporadic at best..we are losing our house due to his refusal to work any job at all) instead of getting a minimum wage job...When I found out about his pa he told me he would sit and watch it for hours...he told me that he would look up something legit and then it would spiral out of control and 4 to 6 hours later he would finally wake up and rush around to get housework done before I came home.

This is a major problem, a huge red flag. This excuse will never pan out. And quite frankly, how much of his "online business" has brought in revenue to your household?

I told him that for a while..until he had some support and had his pa somewhat handled I needed him to get a full time day job away from a computer. I told him I could not go to work without going crazy wondering what he was doing at home. he then got mad at me and told me that "He has confessed and has promsied to never lie again so i should believe him when he says that working at his computer will no longer be a problem..he told me the only reason I want him to work is because I want to be lazy and quit my job."

Again, he is defensive and has laid blame on you. If he truly wants you to trust him, has he earned that right? We all know the answer to that!

Ok, enough for now, I think you get the picture... It is tough for me to even mull this over because I am getting angry at his behaviour. And the reason being is because I WAS HIM just a short while ago until September 2009. Unfortunately my wife had to give me the ultimatum. Either divorce or PA? Now I'm not telling you that you should get a divorce, but what I am telling you is that you need to explicitly explain to your husband what you are willing and not willing to accept in your marriage. Then let him know that he has a choice, either you or PA. Draw that line in the sand, hopefully that will get him to pull his head out of his a$$ and see the light for once.

I apologize for being rather harsh, but I want you to hear the truth based on my perspective. I am a PA, and I was in that same position a while ago, I know what he is going through, and I am lucky my wife cared enough to knock some sense into me. And believe me when I say, that my life is so much better without porn.

Hopefully you can get the support you need here and find your way to recovery.

Good Luck, and God Bless!

AG

[veevee]

Artguy,

Your honesty in your answers was very refreshing to me. I was thinking along the same lines that you posted. I just feel so beat up and confused that I am having trouble even trusting myself. i am going to counseling to hopefully remedy this.
I want you to know ARTGUY that you have a great wife, for her to be able to find the kind of strength and true love she needed to give you that ultimatum. On the other hand, you seem to have come a long way in your own recovery to be able to be that honest and open. You are giving many SO hope that they can have a future with a pa.
Thanks you