Could somebody explain the term recovery for me please?

[Bohemianone]

Hi all

I will post my story when I get a chance to a.s.a.p.

In the meantime, could you clarify something for me please?

My pa and I are arguing continually over his porn use. He says he is in recovery because he has cut down on use. I say recovery cannot begin until he has given up the porn.

He is waiting for some personal therapy (for complex cases) has addressed his alcohol addiction and is going to give up smoking very soon. However, he says he cannot give up the porn until he gets this therapy and that could be some time. He was seventh in the queue last time he checked.

Does this sound reasonable?

I would appreciate any answers. I feel like he is not commited to giving up and he says he is sorry that I don't feel he is doing enough but that he has faced other addictions and knows what he is doing and he is still in recovery.

[Crisodian]

Bohemianone,

First, welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery and relapse free since September 2009.

Recovery actually has many meanings and can be different for each person.

I think you will find many here at TTF believe "recovery" doesn't happen until the addiction of choice, in this instance P use, is gone. Meaning: all use has stopped and a healthier life style is obtained.

There are others who do believe differently however, which is why I said it depends on each person.

While I do not know your particular situation, my opinion is that if you require his use of P to stop in your relationship and that is a ultimatum you have set for him, then his reduction in use is not recovery. He's reduced using but has not given up the substance of choice: P.

Good luck on your journey. Find a path to peace.
~C~

[Bohemianone]

Hi Crisodian

Thank you so much for your reply. He said himself that he felt he should 'give up' porn when I discovered I was pregnant, which was 17 months ago! Because I had discovered evidence of his porn use but was yet to realise he was addicted and how serious it was.

We don't live together and he is at home about three nights a week. I set a boundary straight away that there is to be no porn use at my house at all, and as far as I am aware he has stuck to that. But I know he uses regularly at home.

He goes between saying he is a porn addict or minimising his behaviour. When he went cold turkey to prove to me he was not an addict he lasted for two weeks and got terrible mood swings etc. which his therapist (not a porn addiction therapist) explained was due to dopamine being reduced.

Then he told me he was hardly using at all and wasn't using the internet. Just recently he hasn't said anything at all about his use. He says he doesn't want to lie to me so he can't say he has given it up completely yet. But I know his usage increased. I can just tell.

A few weeks ago I finally had enough and told him I feel he is making a fool of me. I am waiting for this 'magic' psychotherapy to begin so he can deal with this addiction. In the meantime he hasn't been on this website etc. and as far as I can see he hasn't really educated himself about porn addiction itself. I told him that if he hadn't given up completely by the time our daughter is one year old (end of May) then I will walk away. He got quite angry and told me I was not being helpful but I stuck to my guns and told him this is my boundary.

The problem is that I hate it every time he is at home and he has just admitted that he uses every day when he is not with me, even on days when he is coming to see me. I do not feel he empathises with my feelings or has any humility really. It is all about him, lol!

We just started couples therapy this week and can you believe that porn was not mentioned once? At the next appointment I think it is going to be the first thing I bring up. Having said that, I couldn't get a sex therapist, although at the assessment I spoke about his sa and pa so I am hoping that this relationship therapist has some understanding of the issue.

[Crisodian]

From what you have shared, I would suggest that he still hasn't fullen embraced that he is an addict. He's still in denial mode. Knowing he has a problem but thinking he may be able to control it on his own. But, that's simply my opinion from what you have shared. :)

Like all SOs, I would encourage you start a Journal in the Partner's Forum. You will find there is a large, supportive, caring and compasionate group of SOs here who will help with advice and support on your journey towards healing.

Find peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

From my thoughts the idea of cutting down on an addiction is not recovery. Would you call an alcoholic who only has 2 drinks a day instead of a six pack in recovery? This is where I have heard the I only use a little bit of P/MB/fantasy. Yet this lead to me to believe that I was the problem and this is not true the addict is the only one that can change what the addict is thinking.

Hugs and chocolate to you.

[rosie]

Sorry but sounds like excuses to me :(

[dagaz]

Seeing as you posted this in the "Questions to PA's from SO's" section I thought I'd give you a PA perspective. First I wanted to clarify the difference between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety is staying clean from p and/or mb and is a day by day battle. Recovery is getting to a place where you no longer need p and/or mb in your life by dealing with the underlying issues that led you into addiction in the first place.

It is possible to gain a large number of days sober, but if you aren't actually working on your recovery a slip sooner or later is inevitable. Once you start making progress in your recovery, periods of sobriety should start following. Also, I feel like I've been working really hard at my recovery for the last month and a half, but have had two slips in that time. Despite these slips I feel like I'm definitely making progress in my recovery.

HOWEVER, from what you have written it sounds like your husband has decided to defer working on his recovery until he gets into therapy. IMHO, this is looking to external causes to fix his addiction. If he makes the decision to get recovered and uses therapy as part of his toolkit it is likely to have more lasting results.

[FoolishMind]

I think most the answer here are quote clear and ones that I very much agree on. Just to deviate some what because your post reminded me of something. When pregnant, for some reason, the PA acts up a LOT more.

From an SO's point of view you would think if anything this is a reason to stop EVEN MORE. Cant explain it, but defo when my wife was pregnant with our first, I fell even deeper, Sadding and sickening, but true.

FM

[rosie]

Just to deviate some what because your post reminded me of something. When pregnant, for some reason, the PA acts up a LOT more.

From an SO's point of view you would think if anything this is a reason to stop EVEN MORE. Cant explain it, but defo when my wife was pregnant with our first, I fell even deeper, Sadding and sickening, but true.

Really? Pregnancy with our son was the ONLY time that mine didn't act up and was incredibly loving and interested in sex. /:)

[likeafish34]

Bohemianone,

I consider myself to be a recovering PA. To me that means I'm porn free. I've had previous attempts where I've just done a little bit of soft P, but that just doesn't work. As soon as I start using it, I loose control and get dragged back in.

Maybe now is not time for your H to give it up. Maybe he does need some help. I certainly think that I need to deal with some underlying mental health issues to remove some of the things that trigger usage (I've used P to blank out the high levels of anxiety).

We each may need to follow a different path, but I would not consider myself to be in recovery if I was still using P.

In a recovery journey there might be relapses, but not ongoing use.

Good luck.

Simon