Help a Cupcake out!

[Cupcakemomma]

Hey guys, Im hoping that some of you will be able to offer me some suggestions so that I may offer some support on this issue for my BF. So here it is, I finally got a rational answer from BF as to why he is not actively seeking treatment despite promises to do so. He told me he is afraid of what people (mainly me) will think of him, he is embarrassed and scared and his reaction is to avoid it all together. For me it is a simple "Suck it up, Buttercup" kind of thing, but I guess not everyone is so brash in their approach to life and the fear that goes with it. So here is what I am wondering:
What techniques or strategies or tools have you used to overcome fears of recovery? How have you pushed passed the resistance to talk about your issues with your spouse or others? And finally, what, if anything, have or could have your SO's done to help you achieve the first step into recovery?

[mell]

CCM,

Hope this helps....

The addict has to recognize the level of insanity they are going through. Knowing the circumstances of an action but doing it anyway. (Few people rob banks because they know they will probably go to prison). If that can be realized, they then have to simply accept the fact that they need help. THEY HAVE TO GET HELP FOR THEMSELVES, NOT FOR ANYBODY ELSE!!!

Going to the first therapist session or group meeting is tough on anybody. But it's just like anything else, you have to walk into that room and be willing to accept help from others.

I believe the addict has to get to a 'safe place'. Mine are SAA groups and my therapist. I know I can share in confidence there. I am not judged. I am with others who suffer from the same thing and are there to help themselves and others.

As far as the SO, that is tough. It depends on the individual. What helps me is that my wife does not push me for daily updates or status. Recovery is a long process. Patience (and I realize how hard this must be) is necessary, along with accountability. You must come to an agreement (talk twice a week, go to x number of meetings / sessions a week, etc.) The addict must be held to the agreement and must begin to share with their SO.

Only my opinion here.

[RootedinGod]

Hi here is my take:

First addiction is based on the persons desire to control a situation, either not feeling as in drug use or escpae reality as in PA.

Second most addict's still want to control the outcome of their addiction as well. That is the trick part cause it is not gonna happen. And this iwhere I am guessing his fear is. It is teh fear of the unknow. What will people think, how will I look. What about me. Sounds harsh , but reality is and addcit loves control and even wanting sobriety requires surrendering that desire to control the out come. That is where true sobriety comes from is surrendering ones self.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey CCM I wanted to quit my addiction many times and went through cycles where I thought I could and then fell right back into it again and feeling even worse about myself but never really got how much I was hurting Hopeful and our marriage. That day in March when my secret life was discovered is when I started to realize just what I had done and still to this day I am realizing the extent of it so Mell is right your boyfriend has to realize the hurt he's caused to you and himself. So far my wife is the only one who knows my addiction and recovery and of course all TTF but I share any conversation she wants any time she wants. After a while I also realized that I needed to come to her with my feelings and struggles rather than her having to ask all the time (thanks to her pointing this out). So he needs to share open, tough and honest conversations about all this with you. As far as what she did for me to start my first step... she let me have it in a way only she could because it was her that was hurt and she let me know it openly,honestly and with sincerity. Through talking, yelling and sometimes she got it out best through letters to me but she described all the specific ways that it hurt her and it left absolutely no doubt in my mind how serious it was and I took it because she was right! I knew that day that I was done with all MB & P and never looked back but the healing and character changes I'm finding out are a long process and I just keep telling myself I can do better.
I don't know him but it seems to me that he is still denying that it's that bad or wrong and has yet to fully accept the damage it's caused. IMO If he did realize it then you would think he'd love to talk to you and you already know so how can he be worried about what you will think of him? He could learn a lot just reading your stuff here on TTF, I know I sure did! I know it's really tough CCM but I'll say it again, I'm not sure how committed he is to changing or your relationship? All you can do is go "all in" to let him know your pain and where you stand on all this and if he won't talk then try a letter but give it your best shot and you'll feel better!

[Cupcakemomma]

First I have to say thank you to all 3 of you for providing such honest and detailed answers. Seeing how far you guys have all come (No, I didn't read all your journals, but I've read most peoples first few posts :) ) gives me hope that if I can just break through the barrier he CAN get healthy for himself, his children, my children and me. In that order. Now for the massive multi-quote!

CCM,

I believe the addict has to get to a 'safe place'. Mine are SAA groups and my therapist. I know I can share in confidence there. I am not judged. I am with others who suffer from the same thing and are there to help themselves and others.I think I'm going to read him this quote Mell, hopefully it will relive him of some of his worries about attending.

Recovery is a long process. Patience (and I realize how hard this must be) is necessary, along with accountability. You must come to an agreement (talk twice a week, go to x number of meetings / sessions a week, etc.) The addict must be held to the agreement and must begin to share with their SO.Perfect! Having something very specific mapped out would be a great help to BOTH of us. I think it may be easier to tackle the subject if there was a specific time and place for these things to happen, and it makes it easier to see progress :) Thank you Mell.

[quote=RootedinGod;47271
Second most addict's still want to control the outcome of their addiction as well. That is the trick part cause it is not gonna happen. And this iwhere I am guessing his fear is. It is teh fear of the unknow. What will people think, how will I look. What about me. Sounds harsh , but reality is and addcit loves control and even wanting sobriety requires surrendering that desire to control the out come. That is where true sobriety comes from is surrendering ones self.[/quote]

Wow! I've never seen or read or heard it described that way, but it feels dead on to me. Thank you so much for this insight.

After a while I also realized that I needed to come to her with my feelings and struggles rather than her having to ask all the time (thanks to her pointing this out). So he needs to share open, tough and honest conversations about all this with you.

Ahh, Sooo much in your post I wanted to respond to, Rock, but then realized I can't argue most of the points I wanted to without being a foolish enabler. (Probably because I am sometimes) But this specific section, I will say, that this very specific aspect of sharing as a couple is a huge struggle for us.
I so badly wish to know him inside and out like I thought I once did, but I'm with a man with serious baggage and some very real reasons for lacking the skills necessary to open up that way, and I think sometimes maybe I let him slide a lot because of it. Time to stop I guess, and let him have it.
Thank you Rock again and again for your advice.
And mostly thank you Hope, for letting Rock "have it" so that he could share all the knowledge he gained with the rest of us :)

[mell]

Hi here is my take:

First addiction is based on the persons desire to control a situation, either not feeling as in drug use or escpae reality as in PA.

Second most addict's still want to control the outcome of their addiction as well. That is the trick part cause it is not gonna happen. And this iwhere I am guessing his fear is. It is teh fear of the unknow. What will people think, how will I look. What about me. Sounds harsh , but reality is and addcit loves control and even wanting sobriety requires surrendering that desire to control the out come. That is where true sobriety comes from is surrendering ones self.

Awesome post RIG!

[TrueBlue]

Ahh, Sooo much in your post I wanted to respond to, Rock, but then realized I can't argue most of the points I wanted to without being a foolish enabler. (Probably because I am sometimes) But this specific section, I will say, that this very specific aspect of sharing as a couple is a huge struggle for us.

...

Thank you Rock again and again for your advice.
And mostly thank you Hope, for letting Rock "have it" so that he could share all the knowledge he gained with the rest of us :)

^^This a hundred times over. But isn't it great when you can stop your own arguments instead of being embarrassed of them later? I think I go 50/50 on that one, lol.

And ditto to thanking Hopeful and her Rock. I can't even guess how many times I started a conversation with Mr. Blue by saying so-and-so says this, is that how you feel too? Wait for answer. So what's different? or Isn't it nice to know you're not the only one?

ps: and now i'm giggling about mr. blue...i've lost my mind:))

[TrueBlue]

Hi here is my take:

First addiction is based on the persons desire to control a situation, either not feeling as in drug use or escpae reality as in PA.

Second most addict's still want to control the outcome of their addiction as well. That is the trick part cause it is not gonna happen. And this iwhere I am guessing his fear is. It is teh fear of the unknow. What will people think, how will I look. What about me. Sounds harsh , but reality is and addcit loves control and even wanting sobriety requires surrendering that desire to control the out come. That is where true sobriety comes from is surrendering ones self.

I'd say a lot of us SOs need to surrender control too in our own healing. Awewome insights RIG!

[Cupcakemomma]

ps: and now i'm giggling about mr. blue...i've lost my mind:))

And now I'm giggling too lol

[chasman62]

I would agree with RiG on this. PA/SA is a hugely self-indulgent and self-absorbing thing. I would say all legitimate PA/SAs are somewhat narcissistic and thus are obsessed with what others think of them (and need others to think highly of them). That certainly was part of my problem. I dont know what your SOs specific issues are, but I would say that is particularly common amongst those of us who went beyond 'passive' viewing of pictures or videos to more 'active' behaviours. So I think it is possible that he is worried that seeking therapy and disclosing what he has done would be painful and difficult.

The key though is that when you have truly bottomed out you desperately WANT to get rid of this thing that has a hold on you and when I got there I would literally have done ANYTHING to be free from this problem. I also would have done anything that my SO needed me to do to show her that I was serious about recovery. I am in therapy now and have found it very helpful in my quest to be a better person.