What can your SO do

[Charly22]

I really hope any pa in a relationship can answer and start a collective gathering of thoughts and answers to this question:

What do you feel your SO can do to assist in your recovery?

What do you WANT your SO to do to assist in your recovery?

What do you feel your SO could do or actually does that holds you back?

What do you feel your SO could do or actually does that benefits you?

[hellron]

Alright, I'll bite the bullet and go first..

I'm not sure I see the distinction/separation between the first two questions, so I've treated them as the same thing. Other's may see it differently, however

What do you feel your SO can do to assist in your recovery?
What do you WANT your SO to do to assist in your recovery?

Be open to listening to my thoughts/feelings, even when the subject is unpleasant. There's nobody on earth I trust more with my innermost feelings than my SO, and much of what goes on inside is laden with guilt and shame. Talking to others (e.g. counsellor) is always an alternative, but the person I want most to truly hear me, and know me, is my SO.

I know that this is a 'big ask', especially when my thoughts/feelings center around things I've done in the past or things that are hurtful or triggering for my SO. I know that it's also kind of selfish to think it's possible for my SO to "listen as my friend" rather than "listen and react as someone directly affected by what I'm saying"

Back at the beginning of our relationship, I felt like I could share anything and everything with my SO, whether it be positive, negative, hurtful or joyous. I guess I just miss that intimacy, and wish I could get it back. I recognise that my actions and my actions alone took that away from us both, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it again.

What do you feel your SO could do or actually does that holds you back?

"Painting". This is how I describe it when my SO takes a situation, action or comment "out-of-context" and repaints it to be interpreted another way. This could be ascribing motivations behind me having done or not done something, or insisting on an interpretation of "how things appear" vs. "how they actually are", regardless of what I've got to say about it, or what evidence I can supply.

I guess this falls under "loss of trust", and I accept/own it as a direct result of how I've conducted myself for the last 9 years.

It does, however, hurt, especially in circumstances where I've gone out of my way to do "the right thing", put effort into transparency and, as far as I've figured it, removed any possibility of even the appearance of wrong-doing, yet my SO would interpret the situation based upon how I've operated in the past.

It all ties into "judging the new-me by the old-me's standards". I think that's the part that hurts, for me. It holds me back by putting me in a position of feeling demoralised and ashamed.

Something that I'd say would hold me back if my SO did it would be: not listening or accepting if I said I'm unwilling or unable to do something because it could be triggering or compromising of my recovery.

An example would be if my SO was insisting I take the kids out to the beach because they're hot, and she wants some time to herself. The beach is a known trigger-spot for me, and I'd imagine will remain so for at least the next stage(s) of my recovery. If my SO was insisting on something like that, regardless of how I felt about it (and heedless of alternatives), that'd be a pretty difficult situation.

Thankfully I'm quite sure this just won't happen!

What do you feel your SO could do or actually does that benefits you?

My SO takes the time to acknowledge that I'm really trying to make a difference, despite how hard it is for her to "give credit" or speak positively with regards to my recovery. We've been through a pattern of attempted-recovery-relapse-hide-caught-out-repent many, many times before, and she's got very little faith or belief that things are any different this time.

Still, when she sees progress, or notices my efforts to finally get things straight, she makes an effort in return to give me a small "pat on the back" and recognise that I'm trying. That makes all the difference in the world!

I hope the above can provide some sort of insight from the PA point of view, and if you want to know more or would like expansion upon anything, feel free to ask

[FoolishMind]

My short and sharp answers from the way I see it.

What do you feel your SO can do to assist in your recovery?
Nothing, My recovery is solely dependent on me.

What do you WANT your SO to do to assist in your recovery?
Nothing, as Above, I will solve the problem that I brought into the relationship, and through solving that problem, it will assist HER recovery.

What do you feel your SO could do or actually does that holds you back?
Holding back feelings. Communication is key, in a non confrontational way. Let me know your hurting, let me know why your a little paranoid at the moment, and we can deal with that.

What do you feel your SO could do or actually does that benefits you?

Read and absorb knowledge about PA, and understand the traits of a PA. By doing this it will help her with her healing, and by knowing she is getting better, that helps me immensley.

FM

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

Intresting posts & really thought provoking. I will have to seriously think about how I could put all this into words. Great Thread by the way, thanks Charly22. I will posts my thoughts at a later time. I hope more people will reply to this.