Is Honesty needed or just an illusion?

[Life-lies-trust]

How long does it take for the PA/SA/MB addict to decide to use rigorous honesty? One relapse, two, three, or something else totally, Or never it just is not possible for an addict?

I have this question based on my PA/MB/SA who keeps telling me that is will be 100% honest with me, then I find another round of lies. This is so hurtful and causes me to go back to Dec '09 or March '10.

[Cupcakemomma]

I wish I had an answer for you but I'm still in that circle right now.
I will send you a >:D< though.

[debv]

I think a ginormous hug is in order.

(bighug)

It took my H months to come clean, and I still don't know if I know everything. I think I know enough, though. I found out last November (it's funny, I just wrote this all started 11 months ago; to DW it ended 11 months ago) and it took him till maybe February to come completely clean with me. Or about then.

[mell]

LLT,

I think it comes down to hitting 'rock bottom'. When that is, nobody knows. The addict has to commit fully to recovery for themselves, not out of saving the marriage or any other reason tied to a loved one.

Not trying to make excuses, but many in recovery have setbacks. The key is; do they own the relapse, or do they try to hide it. Obvious which one is the right decision.

Can't say I'm there myself yet. Wish I could. I feel good about what I'm doing right now, but I will always be an addict. It will always be there. When / if I slip again what will I do?? That is the dilema. Will my wife accept that I relapsed and be supportive of my honesty and efforts or will she shun me.

Just my thoughts.

[Cupcakemomma]

Well said Mell.

[TrueBlue]

One thing my husband and I have talked about is honesty and its importance to building trust and all that.

An important note that I think he needs to be reminded of sometimes:

Being honest does not make up for bad things it just doesn't add more problems to the mix.

If he does something bad and tells me about it, I will still be upset. But I will be less upset than if he did something bad and tried to hide it.

And something I need to be reminded of sometimes: I need to baby my husband a little bit by telling him that I appreciate his honesty, even when it is unpleasant.

BUT: There is a world of difference between being honest about what you did/how you feel/what you think and being disrespectful about how someone else feels/what they think/etc.

Eh, just food for thought.
All the best,
TrueBlue

[Life-lies-trust]

I think the reason that I posted this question is trying to come to some terms with the hiding of the last item that he looked at in August and then lied by omission. Is there any hope that he will stop hiding and be honest or should I just move on with my life.

[debv]

LLT, only you can answer that. It depends, man to man. Many of our Hs have begun to be honest. I don't have that feeling you described in your journal of waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore. I don't miss that feeling. But I can't say whether your husband will decide to be honest with you or not. It's been a long time, though, and he hasn't decided to yet.

[NewHope10]

Oh LLT...I can "hear" just how tired (and sad) you are about all of this...especially the continued dishonesty.

Deb is right though. Only you can answer that question. I think us SO's have a "bottom" and we know when we've reached it.

As I think back to previous discoveries - I enabled my H's PA (including his dishonesty) - always desperately hoping that he would change. Thinking "this time will be different". Then WHAM...it all blew up in my face - sending me in a tail-spin this past October 6th. That was the day I decided that I could no longer accept P...which means I could not longer accept ANY dishonesty.

It's only been 6 weeks - but I can see the change in my H. I think if our H's are actively recovering (and to me, "recovery" also means recovery from dishonesty)...I think we can "see" it. If my H wasn't working his program...I believe I would be able to "see" that too.

Can you "see" recovery in your H?

As for "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...I understand what you are saying. Likely because so many "other shoes" have dropped in the past. History tends to repeat itself when things don't change...when recovery is not committed to.

What "things" have changed for you and your H?

I don't mean for you to answer the above questions here if you do not want to. But - perhaps its just something think about it.

Thinking about you, LLT...

[Life-lies-trust]

Can you "see" recovery in your H?
.

I am not sure what to look for as recovery, maybe I'm just too negative. He is talking more but all of this is tied to the unresolved abuse issues of s$xual and emotional isolation from all but the Monster-IL. I think he has been in the lying mode since the age of 5 or 6 because he was told NEVER upset your mother, she has to be protected.

What "things" have changed for you and your H?

.

He does talk about all kinds of things. Sometimes he starts the topic and we are communicating.

I just have been so negative about all of this and maybe that is why I do not see radical changes that I want to see. He also hid behind a well constructed mask that no one really was aloud to see behind. So I am not sure what changes are real and what is a front.