Your own recovery

[artist]

I have a question to pose to the recovering PA's on this site. I come from a fellowship of Al-anon previous to COSA (codependents of sex addicts). The first step "learning we were powerless over another person's sexual use" has always meant to me, to try to stay out of it and let the addict either go into recovery or not, but focus on the 12 steps myself, so that I can get healthy whether he does at all. To me, this means I do not police my PA's recovery, I don't look at his computer, his phone or lock the TV. I don't look for lies. I have bionic radar at this point and I think I would pick up on it. I believe if I policed it, he would just wait for me to leave the house and do it so he wouldn't get caught and then I would become part of his story for stopping, not for getting healthier necessarily.

I know this might be a slippery slope to ask this question because many of your SO's are on this site. But do you believe you would want to lick this compulsion/addiction on your own if you were not in a relationship? Does having to show your SO your cell phone, computer history or emails help you? or does it give her the power to control your addiction, and put the onus less on you. In other words, do you think of acting out when the SO isn't around or do you own your recovery.

Any response would help. This is a question I grapple with in my own situation.

Thank you

[mell]

Artist,

Sure, we would all like to 'lick this ourselves'. Problem is, in most cases, we can't. If we could, we wouldn't need groups, sponsors, etc. Many single PAs are posting here. I don't know if I would be able to see why I should quit if I was single. The fact is, committed PAs have victimized their SOs. Therefore, they become a part of the recovery process. Trust is a casualty of this addiction.

IMO most PAs have underlying issues that lead to their acting out. In my case, it is anger, resentment, self pity, and ego (when I am not in a recovering state of mind).

I have to admit, I get frustrated if my wife 'checks on me' but I have to give that to her. I have lied, schemed, and proved myself untrustworthy in the past. I am an 'experienced addict' so I can act like everything is peachy on the outside while I am hurting and acting out inside.

I think it all depends on the communication and support the PA is getting from the SO. If an SO intends to check everything, they should say it up front and make it very clear from the start.
The SO has every right to do this, I would suggest to keep it as positive as possible.

The SO may be powerless over the PA's recovery, but can still 'help' to hold him accountable.

-Mell

[artist]

Sorry I should clarify if you were taking steps for recovery, SA, SAA etc. Not "on your own."

[pumaman]

I think that is good that my SO checks up on my behavior. Although I do agree with Mell I do get annoyed and irritated by it I really can't blame my wife I have given her no reason ro believe anything I have said or done in the past. I don't know if it is the best thing for her recovery though to be policing my behavior. We are both working the SA program and like it was mentioned in the first post to admit you are powerless to the addiction her behavior of trying to control behavior counterminds this step.

I have tried to tell her to look at it more instead of you not following your steps you are doing this to help me in my recovery so I don't have access to act out. One of the first things I did in my recovery was to trade phones with her she had an older phone and I had a new smart phone which led to me getting into trouble and realizing that my p viewing and use was much more of a problem and actually an addiction that I had refused to face in the past.

[artguy34]

I have a question to pose to the recovering PA's on this site...

Do you believe you would want to lick this compulsion/addiction on your own if you were not in a relationship?

A. No, I never realized I was an addict until my wife had enough of the BS and threatened to leave me. The confrontation was ugly, but it made me reflect about my life and the choices I made. She gave me the ultimatum and asked me to choose my family or Porn. Being single, I would have never figured it out on my own.

Does having to show your SO your cell phone, computer history or emails help you?

A. Yes, it helps greatly and I am appreciative of that. It's not a question of her policing what I do, it is more about me having accountability and proof that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. In addition, by agreeing to have my wife use K-9 filters on our PC's, she has sort of a "peace of mind" knowing that porn sites are blocked. Furthermore, with the history tracking, she can see where I've been any time she wishes to check up. So in my opinion, it works to help both of us in our recovery.

In addition to the filters, I had also asked her to block any MA-rated movies or shows for our cable service. I didn't have too, but I felt again that it would help ease her mind a little and also serve as a deterrent for me. Knowing that I cannot access adult content takes away the urge to go view them.

Does it give her the power to control your addiction, and put the onus less on you.

A. Not at all... it's not about power and control. Its more about accountability and transparency. Sometimes situations come up and our honesty in recovery is in question. By allowing our SO's the freedom to monitor our activity, we can show them proof that we are being honest and true to our recovery. Because lets face it, our SO's cannot simply go by our word anymore. PA's lost that priveledge, so we need to make sure we follow through with our recovery and giving our SO's access is one way to do that.

As PA's the onus is totally on our shoulders for recovery to this addiction. Just because we cease viewing porn & Mb-ing, doesn't mean our relationship will spontaneously be perfect. By living a clean life w/out porn, other area's in our relationship can be worked on and mended, not just our addiction. And our actions in regards to other elements in our relationship speak for us as well. And if you don't think our SO's don't see it? Then you're fooling yourself.

Do you think of acting out when the SO isn't around or do you own your recovery.

A. I own my recovery. But suffice it to say, we are tempted with urges constantly. It's not like "ohhh let's wait till she's gone so I can sneak on the computer." It's more like being in a familiar place (a deja vu, if you will) when your mind instinctively reacts to how you felt when in a state of addiction. You remember what it was like when you needed that "fix". But it is that point when you realize you are starting to slip into the relapse zone, that you need to re-focus and find something healthy and productive.

I hope this helps a little?

AG

[Benedict]

Artist,
Some of us here with SOs are trying to deal with this problem on our own. We have not been caught out. SO is not policing us and relationship not under threat because of the PA. We are trying to address this because the behaviour is really causing us problems - lost time, lost self-esteem, in some cases risks, impacts on relationships etc. I do think this route is probably much harder, because the immediate short-term consequences of relapse into bad habits are not as severe. B

[JenMac]

HI Artist!
Welcome to TTF! I know this question is directed to PAs and so I hope it is okay if I post to you as well.
I am from an Alanon background as well! Great program and a true blessing in my life. My H and I are members together.
I have interpreted my program a little differently than you. I feel my H and I are working on recovery together, even though he has his and I have mine, we work together on the recovery of the relationship.
I set my boundaries very early after the discovery of P in our home and told my H that I was unsure our relationship would survive this. He made the decision to rid his life of P and I committed to a wait and see attitude when it came to whether I would stay or not. I chose that my H's recovery was what would determine that outcome.
I could really see recovery starting to happen for us about mid to late summer Artist. The discovery was in March. We are now stronger, wiser and more connected than ever before in our 34 year marriage.
I agree with you when you say that you have to focus on your own recovery, whether your H chooses to recover or not. That is sound advice to yourself! I do believe however that I have been an integral part of my H's recovery, as he has in mine. We have worked hard at this together and have come a long way because of that!
Wishing you all the best Artist!
Sorry for jumping in here but the Alanon connection prompted me!!
Jenn

[grasshopper]

I own my recovery. But suffice it to say, we are tempted with urges constantly. It's not like "ohhh let's wait till she's gone so I can sneak on the computer." It's more like being in a familiar place (a deja vu, if you will) when your mind instinctively reacts to how you felt when in a state of addiction. You remember what it was like when you needed that "fix".

This is a very good way to desribe urges. I like this a lot.


GH