In the beginning

[Charly22]

I'd like to hear from any willing pa, who has a so, to describe their experience when they first agreed/decideded/commited to quitting. I am sure it wasn't just instant cure and all was well inside your mind and spirit.

What kind of feelings did you have?

Were you conflicted at first?

Did you gradually come around more and more?

Were you sad to give it up?

[rjust]

What kind of feelings did you have?

Well when I first decided to quit I felt shame that I had come to this and lied about for that long to my SO.



Were you conflicted at first?

yes I was I felt betrayed my SO in the beging of your marriage got me a 1 yr subsccription to mens mag and then she came to me with this later. I know now why I was lying about it to her.


Did you gradually come around more and more?

no as soon as she confronted me I wanted to change I did have slips but I knew I had to change

Were you sad to give it up?

NO I was glad, as I knew it was not right and I all ways felt shame afterwords.

[DudeWaffle]

What kind of feelings did you have?
In approximate chronological order, here is what I felt in the hours during and immediately after the confrontation last Nov:
Anger (over being discovered), guilt, shame, fear (of being alone), relief (that I didn't have to hide anymore).
Maybe a more appropriate questions is what feelings DIDN'T I have?

Were you conflicted at first?
Very, (see answer above).

Did you gradually come around more and more?
After the quick progression of emotions, I was committed within a day to ending it for good, so no, in that sense it was not gradual.

Were you sad to give it up?
Hard to admit, but yes (sorry, SOs). Some of you may recall that my mother was very ill and passed away last Dec 21. I was in a very depressed state (probably should have been on meds) last Jan because I had lost my mother, my wife (marriage was very rocky), and my P. P had been my outlet and release for all of life's problems. This was especially hard because some of my biggest triggers are stress and feelings of rejection and lonliness. So I figure if I made it through that period sober, I can handle anything! Am I sad that I gave up P now? Not a chance!

[artguy34]

What kind of feelings did you have?

I was scared, shocked, in pain and very depressed.

I was scared because I knew it was the end of the line, I felt that I had lost everything. I questioned myself and what I had done. I questioned why I didn't stop the other times I was caught. I questioned why I continued knowing that if I got caught again, I could lose everything. I questioned why I hurt the woman I love.

I was shocked because reality was sinking in. I was shocked because I remembered instances in the past and wondered how I came to this point in my life.

I was in pain, because I could see the hurt and devastation I caused my wife. Because as a young teen, I swore I would never hurt any woman in my life. Little did I think that mental pain can be much more severe than physical pain in some instances.

I was depressed because I knew that I caused this pain. I could not blame anyone else but myself. And as much as I knew I would always protect my family from harm, I never figured I would need to protect them from myself.

Were you conflicted at first?

No. I was given the ultimatum after I did some soul searching on my own. I thought about my past and WHY I never stopped even though I knew it could be damaging. It was at that point that I had to admit with shame that I am an addict. So there was only one option at that point.

Did you gradually come around more and more?

No, there was no gradual about it. It was all or nothing. No half-assed attempts. My wife told me that if I wanted to keep this marriage, I had to be 100% committed. 100% honest, and 100% transparent.

I looked at the choices I had and it was a no-brainer.

Were you sad to give it up?

Nope! In fact, by giving it up, I learned many things. By giving it up, I gave up living a lie, I gave up living in a fantasy world, and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. No more did I have to cover up a lie with a lie. No more did I have to "think" about what I wanted to say so I didn't get my lies crossed.

As my psychologist mentioned to me about this very issue, he said: "When you only have the truth in your life, it is easy to live with less stress because you only have to tell what actually happens. Not a lie to cover another lie."

**added**
Not to say that it was "easy" to give up my addiction. In fact, fighting this PA has been one of the hardest things to do in my life, if not THE hardest. So I apologize if I sometimes make it seem like it's easy, but in reality this is hard.