How do PA's feel that their SO's are here...

[NewHope10]

My apologies if this question has been asked in the past...but how do PA's feel about their SO's being on the site with them? Is it difficult to be honest? Is it difficult to share? Is it difficult reading what their SO's post?

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts!

[mell]

NH,

I was on here a couple years ago, my wife was also on.

I felt threatened. I thought her posts were like an outlet to bash me. Reading some of them made me very angry. I think it was largely due to a very recent relapse on my part and she was still hurting very badly.

I've been reading a lot of the SO's posts and I see this as a trend. They come here first in anger and vent. As time goes on, and they see positive recovery from their PA's they tend to turn to a supportive role.

I'm not saying this is wrong on the SO's part. Anger is the first logical reaction, and they have every right to be angry.

I think it may be best for one (doesn't matter which) to join and receive some support first, start the healing or recovery process, and then the other to get on. Just my opinion.

Very good thread. I hope to learn a lot from it.

-Mell

[Crisodian]

NH,
I think, just like anything else in recovery, there has to be an understanding between the couple. AG and I made some agreements when we both became active.

1. His recovery and my recovery were two separate things. If I vented or ranted in my journal, or to another SO, or if he posted something in his he knew would be upsetting to me, we agreed not to use it against one another. Discuss it, yes. Beat each other over the head with it? No.

2. This is an outlet for both of us. He needed to feel like he could be free to say or post whatever he wanted or needed without my "censoring" him. Same with me. So, while there have been a few things the both of us have talked about together, and the occasional disagreement over how each one of us sees/reads a post, TTF has become a jumping off point for discussion for us. It's actually built a really good foundation for discussing PA recovery for us. Even AG's therapist has been very pleased with us working together here at TTF, instead of us seeking recovery apart.

Sometimes it helped AG and I be even more honest with each other. By that I mean, when we were talking about his PA and my emotional state, there were times that either he or I had said something here on TTF, that either was not made clear in face to face communication, or not yet discussed in face to face conversation... So there were some great conversations that started with ..."Hey I saw what you posted on TTF..."

There were also a few times that I was angry or hurting when I sent AG off to go PM someone he could talk to instead of emotionally puking all over him. I have done the same. BUT... after the fact we always were honest with each other that we had done so. (Keeping secrets was what got us in this mess in the first place, right?) So we set that boundary for ourselves when we started using TTF in the very beginning. :)

I understand Mell's perspective, but I disagree. I think the SO and PA should join close to the same time. A.) It gives the SO a place to seek support in her time of need and for her emotional needs, B.) It gives the PA a place to build a solid foundation of support for themselves and C.) It gives each of them the ability to "see" what is happening in the mind of the other when communication is still raw and can be difficult.

When a couple is committed to recovery together, and use a shared resource, such as TTF, there has to be open communication between the couple about each's expectaions, boundaries, and limits. IMO, neither partner should feel like they can't be completely open and honest because that is counter-productive for everyone's recovery. And, while I understand it can be hard for PAs to read about their partner's emotional state, they need to undertsand it without being agressive, over-reacting, threatened or bashed. On the other side, the SO needs to understand their PA's struggles, urges, triggers and what they are going through without over-reacting and lashing out. It works both ways.

Just my opinionated 2 cents :)

Peace,
~C~

[mell]

Thanks C,

I have asked my wife to get back on to TTF. She is not ready yet. Hopefully she will change her mind.

You are absolutely correct, both sides have to be involved in each others recovery. Guess I was just looking at the initial fragile state of mind.

-Mell

[Crisodian]

Mell,
Early recovery is HARD! For everyone. Having an outlet, a safe place, to discuss those days is, IMO, essential for both PA and SO.

I think the key is the couple has to agree to work together in recovery... through TTF, counseling, etc.... whatever the shared resource. AND there has to be boundaries and agreements, whether it's here posting on TTF or in therapy with a live person.

It is also imperative that the couple feel they can be open and honest without feeling bashed or hurt.

It doesn't work for everyone. But when it does, it can be a really positive thing. :)

Peace,
~C~

[MyNameIsMatt]

I kind of wish my wife would join here.

I'm not afraid of her reading what I write, or reading what she writes.

[NewHope10]

I really appreciate your comments! Very helpful.

My H told me tonight that he would join TTF. I like Cris's set of agreements she posted above. I think that if he were to join - then we would go by the same. Who knows? Maybe it would lead to more communication between us?

Honestly...that would be refreshing and welcome.

I think we would both have to learn to be honest when posting - and not think about what the other might think or say.

The key to it all (I think)...is honesty.

[Hopeful]

Honesty is the only thing that will work NH.

I really haven't worried about what I have posted since my H joined because I am on this site for my own recovery. I am being supportive in every way I can be for him and this site is what gets me through alot of turmoil at times. Some things he just can't help me with.

Being here can bring up alot of discussions that in the end will be great for the both of you. It can take away the wondering and worrying about things that makes your mind run rampage.

I'm glad you've found this site so you can get the support and friendship you will need.

[mell]

One very positive thing about both being on is that it holds you accountable to each other and to the group. This in turn would put the couple on a better path.

I look at this forum as a higher power in my recovery. If I am not honest to my higher power, I am wasting my time.

When my wife and I were both posting here a couple years ago, we weren't in the right place in recovery to work together yet. We both felt bitter about what the other had posted.

-Mell

[MyNameIsMatt]

I kind of wish my wife would visit here.

I'm not afraid of her reading what I have to say here. Chances are I've already told her these things, or will be telling her anyway. Nor am I afraid to see what she has to say.

As the days progress, Radical Honesty really does not seem like such a bad practice. The truth can hurt, but at least there are no mixed messages.

We've talked a lot about my porn problem this month, and even more so this past weekend. So many of her questions I've seen addressed here. So many of her feelings I see mirrored here.

I really think that SO's can benefit greatly from reading what others have gone through, just like we benefit from seeing we're not alone in this.