SO dragging his feet on thearpy

[MIgirl]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post so a little back ground on me and my husband. We've been together for 8 years married 4. I knew he had a P problem before we were married. I just never new how bad. He promised me he would stop several times and several times later I always said I would leave still haven't. He went to thearpy for a couple of months about 3 years ago. I had no idea at the time that this is a addiction he can't help. so I thought he was "cured" I found out earlier this year that he was paying a lot of money that we don't have on P. I was going to leave him but he said he would even go to group thearpy and admited he had a problem. He has never admited to it. always made me feel it was my problem. So It's been a good three months since he promised all of this and he still hasn't gone. He's checked into it a little bit, reading psycholigy forums but that's about it. I keep nagging him and he gets mad.He won't even talk to me about it. He says he doesn't want to go cause it's embarrasing and he doesn't like thearpy. I don't feel he is being honest. What other reasons would he not want to go?

[JenMac]

HI MIgirl!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you found your way here!
There may be other reasons your H would not want to go to therapy but embarrassment would certainly be one of them. Also, do you feel he has come to terms with his problem or does he still believe it is not really a problem? Sometimes it takes a while after they have stopped to actually recognize it as the problem it is.
The person has to accept that they have a problem before they can want to change the behaviour.
You say you have threatened to leave but have not followed through on it. I know, for me, I had to decide what I could or could not live with and then set my boundaries accordingly. Things were pretty clear for me. I would not live with P in my life. It was then up to my H what he chose to do from there. I was prepared to follow through if I needed to. I knew I would never be okay with this continuing. I would not feel loved or respected or emotionally safe within that atmosphere.
It is suggested that you write a letter to your H telling him how this makes you feel as a woman, as his wife. That is certainly something you could try. I found it very good to put my thoughts down on paper.
This is a great place for you to be! I hope you will keep coming back for support and encouragement.
You could also start a journal in the SO journal section.
Remember! You did not cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this but you can find support and learn to cope with all that this makes you feel in your mind.
Take care!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

Simple.

Denial.

He's not willing to admit to others he has a problem.

Sorry. That was a bit blunt. But sometimes it is better to get right to the heart of the matter.

Welcome to TTF. :) I am the wife (SO) of a PA in recovery almost a year now. I am also an addict (non-P) in recovery for 16 years now. What you are describing is typical behavior when an addict says they have a problem to placate a spouse or family member but doesn't really want to address the issue or seek help.

You are right. He is not being honest with you or with himself. Just because he says out loud he has a problem, unless he does something about it, he is not seeking recovery. He's just talking out loud.

I encourage you to read the journals here of both SOs (in the Partner's Forum) and the PAs (Recovery Journals) to educate yourself about PA. There is hope and there is healing. You have come to a great first stop on the path of healing.

Find peace,
~C~

[MIgirl]

Thanks for the replys and I love you being blunt and honest :) I was thinking that's why he didn't want to go. we had a blow up the other day about it. I told him I can't start healing if he's not going to thearpy. He said he didn't want to go becuase he didn't know what he would say. He's been thinking about it and he told me he just realized he's been doing this since he was in 6th grade. He admitted he thinks his mom has some to do with duuhhh she is a nut job. So I have another question :) I use to have a link with Dr's specializing in p addiction but that was on the old computer that died. So if anyone can help me find anything like that I would really appreciate it. I know it was from another P addiction information page you cold search by area. Thanks again everyone reading your journals and post will make this trip a lot easier.

[Crisodian]

While it's hard to point you in a specific direction to find therapists in your area, here are some national (USA) resources for SA (which will also deal with PA):

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
P.O. Box 70949
Houston, TX 77270
1-800-477-8191
e-mail: webmaster@saa-recovery.org

SASH
P.O. Box 725544
Atlanta, GA 31139
1-770-541-9912
e-mail: info@SASH.net

Sex Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)
P.O. Box 1585
Old Chelsea Station
New York, NY 10011
(001)210-828-7900
email: info@slaafws.org

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
1550 NE Loop 410, Ste. 118
San Antonio, TX 78209
212-439-1123
email: info@slaafws.org

National Council for Couple and Family Recovery
P.O. Box 410586
St. Louis, MO 63141
314-997-9808
email: nccfr@hotmail.com

SO/Partner Support

S-Anon Family Groups
P.O. Box 5117
Sherman Oaks, CA 91413
818-990-6910

Codependents of Sex Addicts (CoSA)
P.O. Box 14537
Minneapolis, MN 55414
612-537-6904

I am sure there are more. If anyone knows one and wants to start building a list, chime in!

To find a therapist in your area, simply do a search for porn addiction therapist or sex addiction therapist and your state. You will find a lot of the therapists who treat this addiction have resources and contact information online.

Peace,
~C~

[MIgirl]

Thank you everyone.
The list was very helpful. There is no therapist in our area but I called one that was 2 hours away and he was able to give me a few names that were local. So i think I found one :) Thanks again.

[mell]

MIgirl,

I would suggest SA (Sexaholics Ananymous) or SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). They are free, 12 step support groups with recovering addicts. If you search for these through any search engine, you will get contact info for a local group (they are everywhere).

As far as the meetings go, it is a bit overwhelming, I was scared to death when I went to my first meeting. The people in these meetings are not criminals, just other normal people who are addicts.

I hope you can sit down together and view some of the journals and posts here. This is a great place to start.

Best of luck to both of you. Keep coming back.

Mell

[MIgirl]

Yeah he looked into the meetings and the problem is the 2 around us meet during the week at 7. He has to be at work at 3 in the morning so he can't make it to a late meeting. I did find one that was over the phone on Sunday so I guess that's better than nothing. Once again he just doesn't want to do it. ~X(

[Life-lies-trust]

Mlgirl the problem is that he may go for help but until he decides that he wants help he will not become sober from the addiction.

Sorry for the downer but it is the truth.

[Crisodian]

MIgirl,
LLT makes a valid point. The harsh and unfair reality of any addiction is until the addict admits to themselves and to others they have a problem and seeks help for the problem, we're essentially powerless. They have to empower themselves to get help.

Now, that being said, there are things we can do to wake up the addict to the problem. Have you tried drafting him a letter? Sometimes, when an addict gets a "what your addiction is doing to me, us our family and how your addiction makes me feel" letter, it is the catalyst that flips the switch. Something to think about.

Sending warm thoughts,
~C~