Why is the lie so important to the addict

[Life-lies-trust]

It seems that no matter what the cost even an addict trying to recover can not stop the lies. I am trying to get a handle on the mind of the addict and why the lie or lie by omission so important compared to the truth. If anyone has any insight I would be grateful for the insight. :-/

[Sonomette]

I think CF is completely right in saying that the lie is a way to buy time and avoid responsibility, but I also think it serves a different purpose: to try to be kind and avoid troubling another person. Yes, it's twisted, but hear me out.

My husband used P but would lie about it, because he knew it hurt me. He knows that P use would make me feel that I was unattractive and less than mediocre as a partner. He says now and said then that he never ever wanted to hurt me or make me feel badly about myself-- which, funny enough, I do believe.

I was reminded again of this on Sunday, when I cut my finger on a big piece of broken glass. It was bleeding profusely, and my nine year old was helping me fix it up. She's a great little thing, and very capable when it comes to medical stuff-- happy to get in there and clean out cuts, ice sprains, and even once helped reduce a dislocated shoulder.

As she was washing out the cut, I was talking to her about what to do next-- she needed to apply pressure to stop the bleeding, then use some antibiotic ointment, then the finger needed a bandage.

She looked at my finger and the drip-drip-drip of blood, and said, "Mom, that must really hurt. It LOOKS like it hurts."

It did hurt. It hurt a lot. And a nine year old-- no matter how helpful and skilled for her age-- does not have the gentle touch of an experienced surgeon.

I said, "Nah, sweetie. It doesn't hurt much at all. It looks much worse than it feels, and you're doing a great job. "

It was a lie, of course. But I told it because I didn't want to make her feel bad about herself or her skills, and I also didn't want upset her......

..... just like husband didn't want to make me feel bad or upset me.

Different, yet quite the same in ways.

[artguy34]

It seems that no matter what the cost even an addict trying to recover can not stop the lies. I am trying to get a handle on the mind of the addict and why the lie or lie by omission so important compared to the truth. If anyone has any insight I would be grateful for the insight. :-/

An addict lying? Sure that's true...

An addict trying to recover lying? Then that is not an addict trying to recover. Period!

If an addict is TRULY trying to recover, then the lies will stop and honesty will come forth. Honesty to one's self, and honesty to all their loved ones.

Just my opinion...

Thanks!

[lonesome_soul]

Something to think about: any of us who tell lies to anyone must first lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves that its ok to stretch the truth, or leave out details if it will spare us or someone we care about some pain in short term (although we know good and well that the pain in the long-run will be far worse.) The root of all addiction may be "pain" but the lies are the fuel that keep an addiction going.

[dave]

For me it was the intense shame I felt using P. The lie to cover up just increased the shame and then I needed more emotional escape and P was so handy / effective.

I don't mean to excuse any PA but for me the shame was so huge that it along with my rationalization left me living in a bubble of denial. When that bubble finally broke I cried and cried it was so painful. For the first month or two I acted as if I was OK but inside I was a totally confused and messed up fellow.
It took a some time of 'acting as if' I could live without P, and gradually I began to see my situation more clearly.

SAA uses the slogan "from shame to grace' on their material. It took me some time to feel I was worth being graceful with myself. I knew my life was a lie but I really didn't know any other way to live.

Again I don't mean to allow any PA / SA to escape the truth but the emotional power of shame can keep us locked in to our addiction forever. Perhaps this is hard for any SO to see.

To those loved ones who hang in with us, I am truly thankful.
I'm in my third year clean and life is generally great.

Dave

[JenMac]

Dave, you are an inspiration! Thank you for giving us hope!
And well said!
Jenn

[Daniel]

It seems that no matter what the cost even an addict trying to recover can not stop the lies. I am trying to get a handle on the mind of the addict and why the lie or lie by omission so important compared to the truth. If anyone has any insight I would be grateful for the insight. :-/

Mrs. Daniel said the lies and deceit were worse than the knowledge of the actual use.

So this question really hits home.

I imagine for each PA and each situational dynamic between the PA and their accountability person (SO, trusted friend, family member, or othewise), the variation on the justification to lie vs. tell the truth will be a little bit different.

Oh sure there must be some common denominators though:

1) I want her to trust me [very ironic but TRUE],

2) It's too much hassle to tell the truth and start the whole process over again
[lying is pragmatic in the short-term and many times "short-term" is all the PA can see, making tactical decisions all the time {to lie} without realizing that the strategic aspect will be completely lost in the lies (strategic = keeping SO in my life; maintaining family; maintaing job; maintaining personal sanity)

3) Variation on 2), I'm too embarrassed/ashamed/guilty to tell the truth because I KNOW BETTER and to be caught again is horrible! Therefore I must lie to save what's left of my self-worth/confidence/respect [another bitter irony as the reality of lying only serves to undermine the very same things later]

4) I have been good with one minor slip up; and now I have an image to protect; lying is my only real option [pure baloney but there it is]

5) Sharing is not safe around here; if I share she'll take my head off; telling the truth is dangerous [a self-fulfilling prophecy as it was the PA's lies that set the stage in small or large ways for this scenario -both people need to learn safe sharing but the PA is still not excused for lying]

As City Fool said, lying only leads to more lying.

After spending so much time in duplicity, it is a very (very) difficult thing to TRAIN yourself to tell the truth and damn the consequences.

But the driver here is a clean conscience.

Who wants to lay their head down on their pillow at night, during what should be the most peaceful and sublime time of day, and have all the lies come rushing in begging to be let out?

Thus a huge aspect of Permanent Freedom from PA is learning to be really honest, down to thoughts and dreams; the areas of your mind that no one can see but you.

And you tell your SO because you love her more than yourself.

Daniel

[debv]

The, "Acting as if....." thought is something I've never considered before but it's kind of out there, so to speak. It's like, "Well, I've gone for a month and so I guess I'm not a PA." when obessive thoughts of P or s*x have been in the forefront of the PA's mind.
Quitting and recovering are two different animals.
The, "Dry Drunk" has been brought up here before and that's similar if not the exact same concept.

I didn't think about it in quite these terms before, either, but this is exactly why I feel so much need for transparency in my PA's recovery. It's been nearly 10 months, so I'm pretty sure he's past the "acting as if" stage, but I don't know where he's at as far as getting rid of the obsessive thoughts. There's no way I can know what's in my PA's head unless he shares it with me. I hate to put words in other people's mouths, but I think this is why we SOs continually say we need more that just seeing that our PAs have quit using. We need emotional transparency.

[debv]

That's a tough proposition. Emotional transparency. How close is that to constant reassurance? Or 24/7 monitoring? Or a short leash?

I view it not as a short leash or a need for constant reassurance, but instead as a need for emotional intimacy.

A person can always hold back something if they choose. You'll only see what they allow you to see, right? ***snip*** I have been through this same thing and my ex was highly skilled at hiding her cards while letting me believe what I wanted to beleive, that she was being honest.

This is the opposite of emotional intimacy, emotional transparency. This is more lies, whether they are direct lies or lies of omission. I want him to be honest with me, share what's inside his head with me, open up to me and be vulnerable. Then I'll be seeing the truth. If he's feeding me a line (again) to try to keep me from leaving, there's nothing I can do about it except make sure he understands that the boundaries include no more lying in any form, and if he does, then I leave. The problem I'm having could I suppose be characterized as lies of omission, but it's not quite the same as when he was using. I think. I'm not sure he's capable of opening up to me and being vulnerable to me, or with sharing his emotions. Or even sometimes with really recognizing his emotions. I don't think it's because he's trying to hide things from me still, I think it's beyond his current abilities. And that's part of why I'm still here. I'm feeling emotionally shut out, still, but I'm willing to give him time to learn to share with me emotionally. But if he can't learn, then I'm not sure that I can stay.

I just don't know at what point you'd be satisfied that you were in fact, getting that emotional transparency.

Right now I get silence. Emotionally, he shuts me out completely. I don't hear about his happiness, his sadness, his anger, his fears, his hopes, his dreams. His default mode is quiet. So any kind of emotional sharing is going to be an improvement. I'm not worried about how much I need, I'm worried about getting any kind of emotional openness at all.

[debv]

He tries. He grew up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful household where his feelings were ignored, manipulated, and ridiculed. He learned to shut them out. So now he avoids them whenever he can and ignores them as a matter of course. I feel bad for him that he is the way he is, but that doesn't make me feel any less alone sometimes.