A chrysalis moment

[Sonomette]

I have a quick question for PA/SAs.

Obviously this addiction is able to shake a relationship to its core. There's a lot of hurt,a lot of doubt and a lot of self discovery along the way.

SOs have to somehow figure out how to deal with this, and it requires a level of strength that they may never have had tofind before.

What are your thoughts on your SO (or if you don't have one, SOs in general) using this as a tool to toughen up, focus on themselves, and using the strength to become a person who is better, more resilient and stronger than they were before.... but isn't necessarily the same person you married?

Do you want things to go back to normal... or are you supportive of the changes that are occuring in the SO? Do you tolerate these changes, do you wish they weren't happening, or do you actively encourage them?

I'm very curious to hear what you all think.

[sonoma]

I noticed your lonley little post here and thought I would give an honest try at answering your questions as best as I could. Not like actually to YOU in the same room with me, but in the forum lol...for the benefit of other people who might be struggling with some of these same issues.

That, and well, you asked me to ;)

What are your thoughts on your SO (or if you don't have one, SOs in general) using this as a tool to toughen up, focus on themselves, and using the strength to become a person who is better, more resilient and stronger than they were before.... but isn't necessarily the same person you married?

well, I can really only speak from personal experience....so that would mean I would have to be talking about YOU in this situation ;)

ok...*sigh* first of all, it really hasn't been that easy for me to change over the years I will admit. I should have known though that when I married a PSYCHE major, and I had issues like this, I was in for a whole universe of trouble lol. HOWEVER!!! some of the things you have figured out about me, I still can't believe....and the fact you had me face them head on instead of running away from them like I always used to do or ignoring them? I just can't thank you enough. Really. Sometimes I litterally stare off into space with a little-kid-look on my face as if to say “how'd she do THAT” as if you just pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Seriously. Once you get your immigration straightened out, I'm coming to work for you in that PTSD clinic you have always dreamed of having.......

Do you want things to go back to normal

if by “normal” you mean.....the way things were when we first got married and before I started treating you like crap? Yeah THAT would be really nice.

are you supportive of the changes that are occuring in the SO? Do you tolerate these changes, do you wish they weren't happening, or do you actively encourage them?

I actually really liked it when you used to be a lot more independent. I know I'm the reason you stopped being so social, stopped doing things so much for yourself ect. I have a lot of hope for your self worth sweetie...at least now I do. I know I have told you for years “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you”, but now I realize that in so many ways.... I was the one who made you feel like that. :(

[mell]

Tough one S,

SOs using this site as a tool is good. They are affected by the addiction and need to recover also. Recovery means change, so that is necessary. My wife has taken the stance (in the past) that this is my problem and I have to fix it. Since she was not in the wrong, she should not have to change. As we progressed we both realized that she did have to change so she would not become co-dependant. If a couple is to stay together, the PA has to work on the addiction and the SO has to work on holding their partner accountable. Tough road for the SO, but I've seen it on this site and I admire the strength of all of you.

So.... unfortunately, the SO has to grow along with their PA.

As far as going back to normal, of course I would like to rewind back to a better time (knowing what I now know) and make some changes. I can't do that. I must be as supportive of my wife as she is of me, if we expect to get through this.

-Mell