Will the PA always be the SO's burden to bear?

[Comewhatmay]

I read through this forum and found questions that kind of touched on this idea. People asked things like, "How long will this be a problem? 10, 20, 30 years? Forever?" I guess I am asking this question in a different way.

If a PA devotes himself to change, recognizes his problem, and does anything and everything to work through and fight his addiction...the SO should be glad, right? The problem the SO is left with, is that we have weight of what has happened and the fear it will happen again on our shoulders, though we did nothing to create this addiction.

We only know what the PA tells us (which in the past was all lies), or what we find (which is usually never good). I worry that things are never really different. My husband does not understand that just because he has not used in a while, doesn't mean that I feel better. I don't, and I realize this seems unfair. But a lot of us SOs entered relationships with our significant others without knowing of their PA until years deep into our committed relationship. Yet we are asked to get over it and "forgive" and be "supportive". I want to be all of those things... I just know that the worry for ME and many other SOs on this site, is that it will always be a fear (whether or not P. use is continuing), and the things we have found will always be etched in our minds (hurting us), and that the betrayal/lies will always make us weary. How do we LOVE our PA husband again... and look at them the way we used to?

I suppose, as an SO, I'm tired of learning about PA and being happy for his progress, when all I feel is pain regardless of what he says or does. Our life revolves around this topic. Will this always be the "weight" I carry? Am I just an awful wife who can't forgive him anymore (every time I did, he just betrayed my trust again...and now he wonders why I can't trust or forgive)? He made it so that P. was a part of all of the memories I once shared with him, and we now have no foundation for our marriage. I just want to hear other PA's views....It's hard for an SO to get across the pain that lingers even when the "evidence" of P. is gone, and the PA is happily on a sober streak. I hope this does not sound mean...My husband and I just feel at a loss...we've tried everything. I don't want to leave...but I won't be happy living my life this way forever. Thanks PA's for your honesty and hopefully, understanding.

[StarPuppy]

Hello Comewhatmay, I understand your view but i am afraid i have to be direct, it might hurt a little, please do not take offense

I know its hard to for SO to bear our burden as we PA have commited a grave mistake in our relationship BUT if your SO PA has decided to take the commitment to stop and salvage the mistake, shouldn't you give him the chance? Even a murderer has the chance to appeal in court, a ex-convict making things right, so what stops you from giving him a 2nd chance?

Yes, the truth hurts and trust is difficult to be gained back, could you be holding on to the past for too long and too deeply even tho your husband has been sober and is still going strong?

I think a good discussion is needed between you and your husband. Please focus on the small things, the things he has done and changed for you after the commitment to stop P.

o:-)

[65Ford]

Forgive me if I ramble some, but I hope I can make a point somewhere here.

This is a very tough question, and in fact it may be THE question.

I think, in a sense, what is really being asked is will there be justice for the PA? Let me try to explain what I mean.

On the one hand, as a PA, I can only control what I do now. I cannot change the past. But I hear you, if I stay p and m free every day for the rest of my life, can you REALLY believe what I say?

In other words, it's easy for me to say there's no use crying over spilt milk, what's done is done, move on. But say I committed murder, I don't think that argument would stand up in a court of law. So should it in the court of marriage/relationship? Are their sentencing guidelines for p use? Based on money spent? Time viewed? Lost time with SO? Is there a statute of limitations?

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to any of these. Every situation is different, and every one must look to themselves for an answer to the big question of is it worth it? Perhaps if the answer to the question is the relationship worth it is yes, you'll have your answer. If no, well, I guess there's your answer too.

Sorry if that misses the mark, but it is quite the thought provoker.

[Life-lies-trust]

I know its hard to for SO to bear our burden as we PA have commited a grave mistake in our relationship BUT if your SO PA has decided to take the commitment to stop and salvage the mistake, shouldn't you give him the chance? Even a murderer has the chance to appeal in court, a ex-convict making things right, so what stops you from giving him a 2nd chance?

SP I think that part of the problem is that this is NOT chance #2 but 4th, 5th, etc. How many chances are we to give the PA to do what they want, show us that we do not matter to them when it is a war between P and the SO's.

[Comewhatmay]

@StarPuppy: I really appreciate your response. It seems to me that I will always hear the same things at this point in the situation from my husband: Don't hold on to it, or dwell on what occured, and focus on the small things- the good things. This is good in theory. But perhaps the initial problem WAS that I was so busy focusing on the small things (our similar sense of humor, how he makes me breakfast, or kisses me on the nose goodnight) to the point where I didn't notice the very big things (his PA, the way he snuck out of bed at night AFTER the kiss on the nose, because he was "stressed," or how he would hide his computer screen from me sometimes). With all respect, I really feel that the PA will never understand the SO's feelings in full, and visa versa. We all try our best. But it's not enough. My PA husband has decided it's time for me to stop "dwelling". How is this his decision to make when he caused this problem, and could potentially continue to cause it (and lie about it) in the relationship? Why is it automatically expected that this is something I can get over and forgive? I guess there is no real answer. It's as big of a trust-toss-up issue as it could be. This is why I'm on here asking other PA's...I need to know how you see this because I DO see it differently as an SO. Thank you, really, for your honesty even if we disagree on points. This leads me to:
@Lies-Lies-Trust: Thank you for understanding what I was saying. It is hard because as an SO we are told to set timelines, and goals, etc. for our PA husbands. But honestly, I read many of our journals and we are also expected to understand slip-ups and reoccurances of bad behavior. We go through therapy. We join support groups. We get the second hand smoke. It's a catch-22. How many slip-ups are "normal" for a PA, or deemed "ok", and what should we, as loving wives/girlfriends/significant others, put up with (and when is enough enough)? We have no say in what really ends up HAPPENING... unless we just leave. We can't control the PA, or change things, or insure they will change or tell the truth. We are left to trust the untrustable, believe the unbelievable, and hope hope hope hope. We are left to cry, and pray. I am at a point where these hard questions are my only questions.
@65Ford: Thank you for taking the time to ramble! :) I really appreciated your comparison. It is nice to see that you can look at the SO's side, and think out the issue. The problem for many SO's, I believe, is that we can't make a simple checklist. The good things about our PA husband's or partners vs. the ways they've hurt us... it's not even about proving how our husbands deserve punishment as much as the point is that we've been HURT by them (and their addiction, inadvertantly) and we still love them. What are we to do with that? This is emotional, yes....but, we also are tired of being suffered as fools. We forgive, and things that previously hurt us reoccur despite promises of fixes. Our forgiveness and grace is often wasted. We put ourselves in a situation we know will keep hurting (or could..due to relapses). We want to fight things out because we are with this person we love for a reason: We LOVE them. I don't see my husband as his addiction...but I do believe he devalued me and our relationship by entering this marriage with the knowledge he had of his addiction. No matter what I read or study, I will never understand in the way he does HOW he could do this. I will never get how he could let this affect me, and hide this from me, and hurt me like this. As an SO, I'm at the point where I'm wondering what my "place" in this relationship even is. The only thing I identify with is being the "carryer of the weight...his weight... his PA". This is not dwelling, in my opinion as much as it is the truth of things. I'm not good at pretending. It is years of my life I lacked knowledge of important issues that were under my nose and my roof, where I lacked deserved honesty and intimacy and respect. I guess I don't expect any real answer... I just wanted to open an honest discussion about these questions in the hope that things would become clearer...

[Comewhatmay]

@StarPuppy: I really appreciate your response. It seems to me that I will always hear the same things at this point in the situation from my husband: Don't hold on to it, or dwell on what occured in the past, and focus on the small things- the good things NOW. This is good in theory. But perhaps the initial problem WAS that I was so busy focusing on the small things (our similar sense of humor, how he makes me breakfast, or kisses me on the nose goodnight) to the point where I didn't notice the very big things (his PA, the way he snuck out of bed at night AFTER the kiss on the nose, because he was "stressed," or how he would hide his computer screen from me sometimes). With all respect, I really feel that the PA will never understand the SO's feelings in full, and visa versa. We all try our best. But it's not enough. My PA husband has decided it's time for me to stop "dwelling". How is this his decision to make when he caused this problem, and could potentially continue to cause it (and lie about it) in the relationship? Why is it automatically expected that this is something I can get over and forgive? I guess there is no real answer. It's as big of a trust-toss-up issue as it could be. This is why I'm on here asking other PA's...I need to know how you see this because I DO see it differently as an SO. Thank you, really, for your honesty even if we disagree on points. This leads me to:

@Lies-Lies-Trust: Thank you for understanding what I was saying. It is hard because as an SO we are told to set timelines, and goals, etc. for our PA husbands. But honestly, I read many of our journals and we are also expected to understand slip-ups and reoccurances of bad behavior. We go through therapy. We join support groups. We get the second hand smoke. It's a catch-22. How many slip-ups are "normal" for a PA, or deemed "ok", and what should we, as loving wives/girlfriends/significant others, put up with (and when is enough enough)? We have no say in what really ends up HAPPENING... unless we just leave. We can't control the PA, or change things, or insure they will change or tell the truth. We are left to trust the untrustable, believe the unbelievable, and hope hope hope hope. We are left to cry, and pray. I am at a point where these hard questions are my only questions.

@65Ford: Thank you for taking the time to ramble! :) I really appreciated your comparison. It is nice to see that you can look at the SO's side, and think out the issue. The problem for many SO's, I believe, is that we can't make a simple checklist. The good things about our PA husband's or partners vs. the ways they've hurt us... it's not even about proving how our husbands deserve punishment as much as the point is that we've been HURT by them (and their addiction, inadvertantly) and we still love them. What are we to do with that? This is emotional, yes....but, we also are tired of being suffered as fools. We forgive, and things that previously hurt us reoccur despite promises of fixes. Our forgiveness and grace is often wasted. We put ourselves in a situation we know will keep hurting (or could..due to relapses). We want to fight things out because we are with this person we love for a reason: We LOVE them. I don't see my husband as his addiction...but I do believe he devalued me and our relationship by entering this marriage with the knowledge he had of his addiction. No matter what I read or study, I will never understand in the way he does HOW he could do this. I will never get how he could let this affect me, and hide this from me, and hurt me like this. As an SO, I'm at the point where I'm wondering what my "place" in this relationship even is. The only thing I identify with is being the "carryer of the weight...his weight... his PA". This is not dwelling, in my opinion as much as it is the truth of things. I'm not good at pretending. It is years of my life I lacked knowledge of important issues that were under my nose and my roof, where I lacked deserved honesty and intimacy and respect. I guess I don't expect any real answer... I just wanted to open an honest discussion about these questions in the hope that things would become clearer...

[Newlifeman]

Comewhatmay,

I believe my SO is in much the same place you are. I don't know that my post will give any insight or be helpful beyond knowing that others of us have the same problem. I have been in recovery for some time now, some days are good, some not so much for our relationship. Add to it the stress of military life, kids, etc, that everyone has, and it often feels like we get nowhere at all. I know that as an individual I have grown as a man and as a Christian and will continue to do so. But what about my SO? How does she feel better about herself? Will she ever be able to? Or, will being with me forever remind her of how I had no respect for her, how I lied, broke her heart and soul?

During a recent couple of bad days I told my SO this:

"No matter what I do, now or for the next 40 years, I can not make this up to you".

It is up to my SO to decide if she can or wants to live me anymore. It is her decision is we stay together or not. I am fighting and praying with all my might to make that a positive decision.....but many days I feel like I am losing the battle. I don't know what to do, if there is anything I can do. I am heart-broken now for what our life and love should be and the fact that it seems like I am so helpless to change this. Perhaps that is how my SO and others felt like all those years when I was breaking her heart, lying, uncaring, to her. It is my turn to feel all of that now and yet find the strength to keep trying.

My fear is that nothing I do will be enough and that our life together will come to an end....

I do not want that, but deep inside I know it may be the only way my SO can go on and be happy. It hurts to think that way because I want to be the one who can make her happy again...

NLM

[Comewhatmay]

@NewLifeMan:

"No matter what I do, now or for the next 40 years, I can not make this up to you". This sentence really rings a bell with me. My PA husband says it often...Each day he asks me, when I'm sad over memories or feelings, "What can I do to help? What is there left to do that will work?" I never have good answers. He's done everything I've asked. I really want those things to be enough, but I feel so unlike myself ... I feel like I'm living in a haze. The images that we see of what our PA husband used to look at will never leave our minds. We compare ourselves to them, though we don't want to. We wonder what's wrong with us. It seems nothing he can say will change this problem, because the truth is, he was looking at it our whole relationship as well as looking at me. He had both. All I had was him, and for me that was enough. I know this is not fair to say, but it's my thought process. I mull it all over in my mind and yes, it does make the memories I had of our marriage seem like a sham. I shared him with these women without knowing it. Now, I see them sometimes. I just see them as I'm reminded as the hurt I feel, in my head. They have become a wedge between my husband and I, even though they are from the past.

Leaving my husband seems impossible to me, though I am independent, we have no children, I make great money, and I know I can take care of myself. But I love him. I see that he's trying. I know he cares for me and he's a good man. He's been there for me in the worst of times, so why can't I do the same for him? Staying is a choice for me, because I have to believe that this will not be stronger than our love and dedication. Sometimes though, I question this belief. I want to just run. Start over. Forget him. Try to remember the time when I felt beautiful. I look in the mirror and see "pretty" but I don't believe it. Would leaving make this pain go away? Would eventually falling in love again clear me of my paranoia that has developed and my low self esteem based on the PA that ruined my marriage? I hope our PA husbands realize that this is not an easy situation for us. It is the hardest thing I've faced in many ways. I wish he'd flat-out cheated sometimes... because the computer element of things makes this all confusing to me. They are images. But they are images that have changed my life, and our relationship, in a way I fear can't be repaired.

He will ask me, "When will this be better? When won't you see all of those bad things when you look at me? How many years? When will you accept all of things I've done to fix this?" I wish there was an answer I could give, but in my gut I sincerely worry I won't be able to let it go. Years of deception, lies, and betrayal can't be gotten over quickly. At the same time, it's not fair to punish him because I love him, and I don't want him to feel worse than he already does, and he's proud of his progress... I just am sitting here thinking, "What about me? Where's my progress? Why won't it stop hurting?" I forgive easily, and quickly, with most things. But once that forgiveness is taken advantage of again, it's hard to just blindly give trust to that person again. This is the issue as it stands. He has ALWAYS abused my trust. I wouldn't know what "trust" would look like in our relationship... so why would I give it to him again? I've seen what he does with it. I wish there was a clear cut answer for this because so many SO's on here have been feeling this kind of weight and depression for so many years of their lives that they can't get back. I don't know that I'm strong enough for that. He said the other day he wished he'd never made me be a part of his life, because he's made me so miserable with something he KNEW was a problem before we got together. Then, after falling in love with me, he continually did it. He knew I was against it, and he snuck off and did it all anyways. He hid it for years. He lived a double life. He did not give fully to the relationship. He broke our vows, daily. How can a good person do that to someone they care for? I struggle with this, even when seeing it as an addiction. We are in this too. It is not just the PA's battle. You've made it ours. Even after it's supposedly "won". I hope people will continue with their thoughts on this.

[JenMac]

Hi CWM!
I just want to tell you that I agree with everything you just posted. I have felt all of those very same feelings and I have gone back there many times to revisit those feelings of despair and been overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.
For me, I had to decide I did not want to stay there, stay in that sad, scary place. I wanted to let go for ME! I did not want to live my life sad, sick, resentful, angry, in turmoil. You name it, we've felt it! My life is worth much more than that!
I remember losing a very close friend a while back and during the last few weeks she was alive, I was buried in a problem that I thought was all important at the time. In fact it was very important! But that situation turned itself around, that situation healed but I will never get the time back to spend with my dear friend who died so suddenly. I can never get those moments back. So sad.
I wanted to heal for myself! If my marriage is saved in the process, that is a blessing. But it is for me that I needed to move ahead, to heal, to become the confident, positive, good person I have always felt I am.
I am not saying it is easy to forgive, to move on, to forget. I still have lots of that to do myself but I refuse to live life in that sad place anymore. My H is working hard to make things better between us, as well as to heal himself from this addiction. That is the place we are at today. What will tomorrow bring? We never know. But for today, I am thankful.
Jenn

[Comewhatmay]

JenMac: Thank you for your postive reply. You are so right. I think maybe the real thing I need to do, for now, since the big questions can't yet be answered, is focus on myself and my own life. I need to be happy despite this problem, and enjoy the things I have outside of my marriage (my friends, family, career, hobbies)... I think those things have suffered because this issue has been so consuming. I want to work on my marriage as well, but maybe for now I should take a few steps back and realize what I have in my life. The "love" area may be suffering, but I do realize I have a lot to be greatful for. I just get so frusterated with what has happened, and i feel so hurt because I felt I was in a healthy and happy marriage. I felt like a fool when it turned out these issues existed. I want nothing more than for him to "FIX this". I have even yelled those two words at him. Fix this. Fix me. Fix the pain you've caused. Maybe I just need to do more self healing, and hope that my marriage can also heal someday too. I too have lost great friends over the years, and I know how you feel. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have found some happiness in your life. There are certainly good days and bad days. I guess I'm just having so many bad days things begin to feel too hard.