Will the PA always be the SO's burden to bear?

[JenMac]

Hi Deb!
You are so right! We all do have good and bad days!
I am sorry that you feel you don't see any change in your husband or how he treats you or communicates with you. That must be tough for sure!
Without open and honest sharing I would not feel like my H and I are moving ahead either. That is the most important aspect of this I believe!
While this may sound like I am putting it back in your court to be the one to do the changing, I have to tell you the slogan I like best from Alanon. It is 'Let it Begin with me." By changing myself, by being the person I want to be, by choosing to stretch myself, I can not only be a better person for myself but I can be better for others in all of the relationships in my life. I have experienced first hand how this can make an absolute difference in extremely difficult situations aside from this one. I have seen it rebuild shattered relationships with those who are closest to me. It is also something we do for ourselves but by making changes within ourselves, we can affect change around us and sometimes that change can be something wonderful!
Hope you have a great day Deb!
All the best!
Jenn

[debv]

Just to be clear, I don't know that my H is a "dry drunk" as it were. It's the I don't know part that kills me. He barely communicates with me about it at all. And that hurts. So back to the topic, it is the SO's burden to bear. The PA can see the progress he is making, if he is making progress, but the SO cannot see that progress because it's internal. The PA has to share his progress externally, or the SO has no clue there have been changes. I disagree with Jenn, the ball is entirely in the PA's court. I can make all the changes I want (and trust me my self-esteem is better now than I think it ever has been) but I can't change him, I can't control him, I can't impact his willingness or ability to communicate with me. All I can change is me, and I don't want to cross-examine him to get information out of him anymore.

[JenMac]

HI Deb,
I don't think we disagree at all from what I am reading in your post. I agree we can't change them, they have to want to change. But we can affect change around us by changing our ways. This will not always be the case but often it will.
By focussing on your own needs and by finding peace in our lives, it can't help but have an effect on those around us.
You are also right about not being able to control what he does, thinks or feels. Only he can do that. Our only control is over ourselves and what we choose to do about it.
Have a great day Deb!

[Crisodian]

Two very important points here:

It's fairly simple but you state it perfectly, the PA might feel progress but you can't see it.

Our only control is over ourselves and what we choose to do about it.

What CF says is spot on. When we as SOs can not see what our PAs are doing in recovery it can cause much more burden for us. There may be progress being made but, unless the PA is open and transparent, the SO is left in the dark to find healing themselves. And that is a lonely place to be.

Jenn also hits the nail on the head. As SOs, like both deb and Jenn posted, do not have any control over our PA and their recovery. But I completely agree with Jenn, that we as SOs DO have control over our own recovery. We choose what we need to do for ourselves to heal. Sometimes we choose to stay with our PAs. Other times, not. But each SO has to find what works for them to move on and let go. If we hang on to the hurt, pain and bitterness caused by the ripples of PA, we can't move forward. We cant heal. At some point, it has to become about what is best for ourselves and our own healing.

Peace to all.
~C~

[Sonomette]

Quite honestly, if I thought that this would be a burden I'd always have to bear as a SO, I'd have walked out of his life forever.

I am still here because I think that there is a lot of hope that it won't always be a burden. Sure, it's unpleasant now, but I firmly believe that:

1) no one is perfect, and that he and I both do things that are troublesome to each other.

2) it is possible to work on troublesome issues so that they won't be troublesome anymore,

and perhaps most importantly,

3) a marriage should be about two people who love each other and are on equal footing. If my H is always a burden to me, I'm no longer his wife-- I'm his caregiver, teacher, warden and keeper. I don't want that for me or for him, and refuse to allow this marriage to become a sham.