For the long term PAs in recovery...

[Crisodian]

How long did it take your SO to really begin to trust you again and not immediately act out? And I mean real trust.

I knee-jerk react to some things still and we're almost a year in. I tend to let it go a lot quicker, and not immediately behead AG when something triggers a moment of "not again", but it's still there.

Did you experience this with your SOs? If so, when did it really begin to subside? And did it ever really go away? Or is it still something you deal with over the long term?

Peace,
~C~

[FoolishMind]

Not a simple answer to this one Crisodian, because I started this recovery journey making it clear to my wife, that I will not expect her to trust me, and therefore I will not put her in a position where she needs to trust me. i.e. I used to screw up whenever I was home alone, but since i started recovery, I have always had filters and accountability, so again, no need for trust, because if i screwed up, she would know about it.

That said I could always see from the corner of her eye watching me when watching TV, if a certain advert came on, or billboard had an attractive women on, she would be watching me, to see if I had any reaction, beads of swear or a slight perverse smirk I suppose. But nothing from me, if anything it was an obvious move from me to change the channel or look the other way.

I am over 2 and half years P free, and if I came home with a new laptop, and no filtering software, and then Inshi had to go out for dinner with friends or something, I guaruntee she would get very nervous, and try and get out of dinner to stay at home. She would desperatley want to trust me, but through previous hurt, would find it tough. And honestly I am fine with that, and as said before, You dont actually need trust to have a loving relationship, if you dont put the other person in a position where they need it

Dont know if that makes sense, but thats how things are with me.

FM

[Crisodian]

Thanks for the reply FM. I am going to go under the assumption that the reactions I am still experiencing are normal then and will either stay or may go with more time.

I am still curious though if others experience the same with their SOs?

~C~

[Mac]

FM your slant on the trust issue really struck a chord with me.
As PA's i think we really strive to regain the trust of our SO's. For me it has become all encompassing.
You just made me realize that i was having unrealistic expectations that was just leading me to huge disappointment at times. I am going to start applying this approach. You are so right, we just can't expect this right now from our SO's.

Thanks for the eye opener.
Mac

[dave]

Trust - now there's a tough idea to apprciate in others.

I hope I am not way out of line but just as we PA's have to accept our powerlessness over our addiction, is there a parellel for the SO's. When they don't trust there is some power issue . . . . I am talking about our relationship where I have been clean for over 2 years. If my SO has moments where she doesn't trust that is her issue in the sense that she is not letting go of fear. Is the lack of trust some version of needing to keep power over the future of the PA and the relationship ? ? ? ?

I am probably way out of line here.

In our relationship I open the conversational door to situations where lack of trust shows up. We can usually talk about it, I try to be candid about times that are a little touchy, thankfully there are not too many of those these days.

Then urges do turn up, I turn them over to my Higher Power and look beyond the immediate situation to the bigger picture. Perhaps that is something the SO can aspire to. Look at the positives in his recovery and then let go of the fear. . . . .

Just trying to help

Take care all
Dave

[Crisodian]

Dave,
I posted about letting go in a thread of it's own, so I understand where your response is coming from. That being said, I would like to clarify regarding my question.

Most times when the knee jerk's happen, I let it go. :) I just find myself "still" experiencing them and was curious if the other PAs in long term recovery experienced the same with their SOs. Maybe a clearer version of the question would be: are there still occasions, years into recovery, where your SO experiences something that causes them to react, or even if they don't react, discuss with their PA? Where out of the blue the SO has a difficult moment handling something because a memory came to the forefront of the mind?

You are correct about letting go. We all have to do it.

Thanks for the response!

Peace,
~C~