P and how a PA views there SO

[hopefulwife]

Anyone who has followed my jounal would know I have been having some trouble with my husband being disrespectful. He has admitted he has skewed views of women. It has bled in to how he views me or has always effected how he views me. I dont belive he sees me as an equil.

My questions are these:

Has anyone else had these problems on either side?
Is it due to excessive P use?
What can be done about it?
Is counceling a must and would marrage counseling be the best?

[FoolishMind]

Hey hopefulwife,

Has anyone else had these problems on either side?
Yes, as a PA, I had very skewed views of women, and that included my wife!

Is it due to excessive P use?
Most definatley

What can be done about it?
the PA needs to acknowledge his problem, and then do something about it

Is counceling a must and would marrage counseling be the best?
Both myself and my wife saved our marriage through open and honest discussion, sometimes indirect through TTF, which acts as a councillor in many ways.


If I can just explain further why for me I treated my wife with such disrespect, it may help, or you may relate to it from your husbands perspective.

On a daily basis, I was presenting myself with a barrage of images of female fakery, and I woudl watch videos, where in the "fake world" the women were "perfect" and would worship the man!

I would come home, and be with my wife, and she did not "in my skewed view (propaganda i suppose) conform to what I then saw as attractive and submissive and worshiping me.

the smallest of things, made me detest her, sometimes she even repulsed me., I was a very very nasty man, and I cringe thinking about how I used to treat her, and my eyes water thinking about how she lvoed me so much to take it, and stay with me that long. I was truly disgusting.

Why, because my eyes were closed to the real world. I mention in my journal within the first 2/3 weeks of being P free, I couldnt beleive how attractive my wife was. I loved the way she moved, I started to notice little things how beautiful her hair fell, and her smile, I felt like a little boy all over again, and I was so attracted to her, I wanted to win her again. It was in those first 2/3 first weeks that was key for me to really observe and acknowledge how I had been living all these years in a fake world, and how much i have taken for granted.

P is soooo very dangerous. but I cannot see any man surviving the clutches of P, if he does not have the strength within himself to be honest with himself. The day the PA stops lying to himself the "P Monster" will lose its grip on him. and that is the first HUGE step.

FM

[Crisodian]

FM,
Thank you for your open and honest post. That had to be a challenge to relive those thoughts about how P twisted the mind. I hope all SOs will find some solace in knowing that it really is all about the P.

Peace,
~C~

[hopefulwife]

Is it realy all about the P? Or is the P just the root cause of this lack of respect? If he just stops viewing P will his views of women improve just like magic or is he damged by it and needs more? He doesnt talk to me so how do I force the issue? I so very much want to make him join TTF but if I do will being here because I made him have any chance of helping our marrage? He even refused to read my journal. He has been so reluctant during every step of this. He stops for about a month and is back at it and I cant change any of it.

Sorry, Im so full of questions and needed to rant.

[FoolishMind]

Firstly Crisodian, no thanks required, as per my journal title, this whole situation is about dealing with the bitter truth, no matter how painful it is, only with the truth, are we able to learn and heal ourselves, as well as help others.

Hopeful wife, I cant obviously speak for everyone and it is wrong for me to generalise every PA, but based on my exposure to many PA's on this site, I can definatley see a very similar pattern into the characters sets when dealing (or not dealing as the case may be) with the PA issue.

So is it really about the PA? Well I can honestly say YES, but I appreciate there can be many other factors, such as general relationship issues outside of PA.

Will someone who stops viewing P, improve their views of women like magic? Again, YES, magic, maybe not, but 2 to 3 weeks is what I have personally experienced, some longer, some sooner, but around that timescale.

How do you force this issue? You dont, and you cant. What you can do, is let him know what you can and what you cant accept, and the things you cant except, let him know what you will do, if you cant accept something.

PA's can be very stubborn, and very selfish, because they will hang on to there little luxury, there private space that they escape the world from, so to a PA, anyone trying to attack that, will automatically be faced with HUGE defences.

On many occasions when my wife confronted my about my PA, she said she would leave, i saw it as empty threats, and i told her it was her problem, I told her "its you that has the problem, so if you cant deal with it, YOU GO" I was a complete idiot. But i stood my ground, looking her straight in the eye, which then made her second guess herself. that poor woman, she really lost so much confidence, and she was probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown, cos i just kept staying strong, and making her feel like it was her that was the issue.

I have said this before and im sure your aware of it, to actually break through a PA's defences, you need to actually emotionally break them down. its hard, because you dont want to hurt someone you love, but in this case, you have to, and you have to mean it, and you have to show you have more strength. The PA will then see that, and begin to second guess himself. and thats precisely what happened to me. My wife had so much respect for me, she would never swear, but she called me an f'ing bstrd, which gobsmacked me. that was my first stun, she said i was disgusting, she said i made her feel sick, all of these words, started to really hit me, hurt me, She broke me down, I had no come back, I had never seen so much rage from my wife. this followed by an email - and well the email and what happened next is on this site. My wife did not force me to come to TTF, but it hurt me that she had sought advice from stangers online, that made me read and find out what she said. And then BAM, that was the day I realised i really did have a problem.

BREAK HIM DOWN bring him to raw emotions, it is only then he will be receptive to what you are actually saying. without doing this, you will go years wasting your breath, tears etc etc, and he will keep swatting it away, and batting your emotions around the park.

Respect yourself, know what you want and know what you deserve.

Im not going to offer hugs and kisses hopefulwife, because right now, you need to be think strength, you need to think respect, suck it all up and really channel that energy in the right way, and to the right point.

and dont apologise for asking questions or ranting, this is exactly what this site is for, and I just hope in some way shape or form you and others can take this knowledge all around this site and really practically use it, PA's and SO's do not type their strories just to be read, you need to take these texts as strong advice and methods that should be put into practice.

My thoughts are with you

FM

[Life-lies-trust]

Reading this I realize that PA is about looking at false images that have been tweaked, interact with that image so that there is no love, no heart, or no soul. They do this for various reasons at the root of when they started. They have withdrawn-en from the world and are extremely Defensive about THEIR PRIVATE time and NO ONE should get in the way. Because of this out look no real person will have their respect or during the addiction love.

[hopefulwife]

FM,

Thank you. You are right I dont need hugs. I realy needed a kick in the but. My resolve has wavered and I needed that honesty. I have for too long been using the spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. Both for myself and how I relate to my husband. Thank you for giving it to me straigt up.

[hopefulwife]

I feel stronger already.

[Alika]

Wow!!!

FM,

This is some of the best I have seen from you yet, impressive, brutally honest, and useful.

This post should be adapted into an article on how to get through to your PA. Would you possibly consider rewriting it into an article, please?

- Alika

[FoolishMind]

OMG last article i did was the "mind of a PA" but that was more creative writing, I dont know if I could make a point blank article of steps to take, as its not neccesarily a one size fits all to be honest.

FM