Resentment?

[hopefulwife]

Have any PA felt resentment twards their SO for pushing them to stop?

When in the recovery did you feel this way?

Did it go away?

I am scared that my marrage may be in trouble. My husband has been very angry and confrontational. He has been giving me crap about stuff that never was an issue. He also talks over me all the time in every conversation. Its like Im not even there and he is going to interupt me with video game stuff when I was telling him something his little girl did today. And my god the looks he gives me sometimes!

He can still be amazingly sweet but the contrast is startling. I feel that he may be so sweet for two reasons. One is that i have been a good sport about it and not once told him how he is acting. Second option is maybe guilt.

[KingofHearts]

Hmm, that is something I've heard about, but speaking for myself I don't think I've felt resentment toward my SO for pushing me to stop P, even given the fact that she's made it clear that if I relapse then she's gone for good.

The way I see it, and the way I think any PA should try to see it when a partner forces them to confront this issue is that until I recognised my problem, I didn't realise how damaging it was to me. Being PA in and of itself makes anyone miserable, I think. The ambivalence which any PA has to go through, at least if they are otherwise a moral and caring person, is incredibly hard to bear. Facing up to this problem and deciding to resolve it and any other related issues can only make the PA a better person and therefore happier as a result.

I would say that it was good for me that I was caught out. I had to hit rock bottom, and it hurt, but when it's all said and done I will be a better person than I ever was, and the only thing I regret about this process is the fact that I hurt the one I love.

[Charly22]

I certainly have dealt with my fair share of resentment. At first, trying to convince him that this was a problem, in his eyes, it was just me trying to control him, which I have never been that type. But I think this is what an addict does...rather than having to admit that they have a problem, they just think someone's trying to tell them what to do....but eventually, they will come to see that hey, maybe I do have a problem.

But in the denial stage...it is the knee jerk reaction to say "don't try to tell me what to do" and then there is a chip on their shoulder towards us. So, yep, my husb got resentful about it.

Does it go away? Hmmm...... if they can come to the realization that this really is a problem....yeah...it will go away......if they stay in denial.....not so sure about that one....

[hopefulwife]

He had already gone through the denial phase and had stopped and wasnt resentful that I had seen. But over the past two weeks he has been.

Is it possable that now outa the blue he wants to and resents me for being the thing standing in his way?

[Charly22]

It comes down to this.... you cannot accept this.....he knows it.

When he is having urges and wants to give in to those urges...yes, he's gonna feel resentment for what stands in his way of it.

When he is "on the wagon" so to speak...he will not be resentful, he will be understanding and working on himself.

Its like he is still a child in it, and hasn't come to the full realization of why he can't keep going back to it. I don't want to speak for your husband...this is just my take on my own experience. And certainly, it is like a child who can't get what he wants.

Maybe the pressure of it all is wearing too thin.....if we could all run to rehab and only deal with one thing at a time....it would be a lot easier. But we are asking them to deal with a life changing issue, all while continuing to deal with the pressures of work, life, home, kids, etc. And then these are the exact things that make an addict want to "act out"...."escape".

Maybe its time for a deep discussion.....

[Charly22]

I'd also like to encourage you to not let this become a chip on your own shoulder. Please see it for what it is.....and don't let it become an infectious monster within you.

Again...I'm gonna compare it to a child who doesn't get what they want...when you ask your child to take a time out and they pout about it....ya know what? They get over it. YOU know its the best thing for them, they don't. Thats the only comparison I can come up with...I hate to call it "childish"...but in a way it is. They've yet to grow up on this issue....

[hopefulwife]

Charly22, you are right. I read you post and it sounded and felt true. He does have alot of preasure right now and I have been wraped up in all the things on my own plate and watching his every expression like a fortune teller. While he is just acting out just like my almost-2 year old.

Thank you^:)^

[KingofHearts]

There may be another aspect as well; I don't know what stage he is at with this, but it's certainly documented that when a PA feels that they're progressing very well, they might feel that they deserve a pat on the back, but of course for the SO this should never have happened in the first place. A PA may resent their SO not being more congratulatory of their progression or their commitment to progress. In this scenario the PA needs to understand that while working hard and beating their problem is important, the SO has a deluge of painful emotions to deal with, all brought on through no fault of their own. There are going to be days which are really hard for you, and your husband needs to be aware of that. After all, what happened isn't your fault.

[hopefulwife]

I think that may be a good thing for us to lay out on the table. I think I need to talk to him about the very strange data usage on his phone and befor I do that I realy do want to tell him how grateful I am for all the effort he has put in to this. But it would be a good thing to let him know that I am also working very hard to overcome the emotional trama and trying to trust him. But I dont want to tell him whose fault it is. I know how frustrated he is with himself for being the cause of all this striff. Just bring up this issue will always putt who is to blame in the frount of his mind.

[QueenofHearts]

I've definitely had resentment thrown my way from ex PA's I've been with.

I was told that I was controlling, he felt that I was keeping him prisoner and treating him like a child.

To me, his behavior was childish and he deserved everything he got. The reality of the situation was he really didn't understand what he was doing was hurtful to me....plus I'm sure he didn't care.

At the end of it all, I had to go through a painful and horrible divorce. No regrets though...I recall him telling me that he still watched P and his wife would never complain.

In the end, we both won it seems.