How do you justify P use

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

For married PAs and PAs in relationships:

For those who's partner doesn't know you are a PA:

How do/did you justify P use to yourself?

For those who told their partner they would quit, but then you kept lying and kept using:

How do/did you justify P use after you knew how much it hurt your partner?


I would like to know from PAs, because I can't get any answers from my husband on this. So, I assume his answer to the first question is : Well, she doesn't know, so it doesn't matter.

I assume the answer to my second question is: Well, she's over reacting and stupid and doesn't really mean she'd leave me over pictures and videos, so I don't care and I will do what I want anyway.

Maybe what I imagine is the truth, and maybe it isn't, but I would just like to know anything other than "I'm sorry, I was just selfish". That's not really an answer. And maybe if you answer these questions for yourself and not just for me, it will give you clarity into your own motives and addiction.

Thank you.

[Benedict]

Your question made me start to try to recollect the false beliefs and self-serviing arguments that I used to use to justify this to myself. And then I felt quite uncomfortable because I've been trying very hard to change those, and did not want to get back into them. But for what it is worth, I think I had (and maybe still have) a set of beliefs that are quite like what Patrick Carnes lists in his book of s-x addiction. ie. I believed that I had a very strong libido (my drives were bigger than usual, and in particular bigger than my partners), that s-x was very important to me, that no-one could meet my needs, and that if I expressed my needs I would be rejected.

Additionally, I saw the use of P as a safety valve to prevent me pressuring SO unduly for s-x and for meeting one of my needs for more variety (at least mentally) than she was willing to meet. On the latter, I think now it is more a reflection of some difference in preferences, a very poor level of communication around that to negotiate a win-win situation, and my fear of perceived rejection.

Finally, I did not think that P use per se would hurt SO, and I still have no reason to think that would be the case, although I now recognize that the issues I have around s-x (the beliefs noted above) and my hypersensitivity to rejection have seriously hurt our relationship, and that the obsessive use of P, and other self-soothing behaviours, has and is continuing to hurt our relationship. I am committed to the relationship and to being a better partner. I just hope the work I am doing on this results in permanent change and improvement.

[OpenEyes]

Benedict stated it very well, and in a manner I can only applaud. I would add in that quite a bit of the P and M is isolating oneself. As such, the PA pulls away emotionally, we blame our partner for the emotional distance that we created and then justify our PA because of the reasons stated by Benedict. I am still new at this but some of my talks with my SO have led me to these thoughts.

I am not too sure how many PA's are like this, but for me, it was never really any reational thought to it. It was like I was shutting down and did not think when involved with my PA. I did not feel either. I was far more "disconnected" than anything else. And in my little void, I did not have to think or feel.

As for the justification after telling my SO I would quit, I was following the old saying "what she doesn't know, won't hurt her". As every SO can say, not only is that full of #¤%#, it is just the absolute opposite. But, once again, it was a back of the mind, or even subconsious decision. No active, rational thought goes into the giving in to the PA.

I have been told I am pretty intelligent, and as such, think if I had at any time really sat, and thought about it. I would have stopped or at least found I had a problem with trying to stop. Instead, I kept on till being caught. I was lying to myself and everyone around me. Especially Alika. But please see that point. I was lying to myself as well. I did not have a problem, I did it just to "zone out". I did it for the reasons Benedict covered. I could stop at any time. It was all lies. Even to myself.

This was probabaly more on the lines of rambling, but I hope a point or two may have helped thetopic.

OpenEyes
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

[maggie]

I know this is for the PA's to answer, but I just read Open Eye's posting and he has explained our situation so logically.

H porn use, caused him to isolate himself from all of us, especially me, and the more distance between us, led to more distance between us !!

He then justified his p use by our complete disconnect, emotionally and physically, and never realized his p use was the dividing factor.

He also claims that he was ' shutting down ' while in the grips of addicition and told himself that all men do this and what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Wrong...the hurt is so deep and cruel, I can't even describe it.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thanks for the answers, and from you too Maggie. I hope more people will answer if they want to.

I suppose the hardest thing for me to understand and accept is how, as OE says, there was so little thinking involved. That's what my husband says too. It was just something he did, without even thinking about me or the consequences or whether it was right or wrong. But, it is what it is, I guess.

Maggie- I sent you a private message.

[FoolishMind]

Apologies for late response on this I am actually catching up properly now as had a huge period of lack of activity so trying to make up for it.

Anyhoooooo

How did I justify this crap to myself... I was in the frame of mind that i deserved to do what I wanted. I thought my wife was overreacting, I would make promises to her that I would stop, knowing for well that I would not, I just wanted her to get out of my face is the brutal truth.

When i found opportunities to be home alone, I would race home in my car like every second was so precious, i remember cursing the traffic lights that stopped me, and wasting valuable seconds of P usage time. I was a really monster.

I get home, draw the curtains, get in my own zone and all ready to be on the hunt for my high, in the limited time I had before my wife would arrive, I factored in the time to re arrange everything so it was the way it was, time to clear history etc etc....WONLM through all of this not once did i give a thought to how disrespectful I am being to my wife, not once did give a moments thought to how disgusting I am, not once did i need to actually justify this to myself, This is what i wanted, and no one can tell me otherwise. If there was the slightest justification, it was my wife doesnt look like this, my wife wont act like this, so its only fair i satisfy myself.

DISGUSTING!

When I answer questions like these, I really do put myself back into those memories, and it shocks me at how vividly i remember them, I can see it as if I was a fly on the wall, and I see myself, and i truly feel sick.

But I have to stress, i personally dont think its about how we justify things, it really isnt about our wives/girlfriends, they dont even feature. This PA bubble is so huge, we are like zombies, and when the urge kicks a monster awakens, and we will tear up our paths to get at it no matter what or who stands in our way.

and that is why I stand by the reasoning that to get a PA to wake up and open his eyes the PA has to be broken down emotionally into a truly raw state, actually shattering that bubble before you can even begin to have an impact.

Hope in some way shape or form i answered your question.

FM

[little_wife]

Thank you foolishmind for such a brutally honest answer.
Thank you also for acknowledging how disgusting you now feel this was. It truely is nice to know that some people are willing to soul search enough to see how their behavior effects those around them. >:D<