The price of lies, the rewards of honesty

[Alika]

In case this very topic has been addressed in the same way in another post, please add the link in your reply.

A huge issue inevitably following the discovery of P addiction is the broken trust. I would greatly appreciate if some of the recovering addicts would give their individual and personal take on the following questions:

1. How far were you willing to take your lies?
2. What price did you pay for having lied?
3. What did you gain once the lying stopped?
4. How do you feel about yourself after stopping to lie?
5. All in all: was it worth it?

In particular it would be of value to see how high a price was paid for the lies and what was gained by stopping (both lies and addiction) for the sake of perspective between the loss and later the rewards, and in order to offer understanding between PAs and SOs, and to encourage and motivate those struggling to leave the web of lies caused by addiction.

Thank you in advance for any blunt, honest, and not least courageous replies to some pretty tough questions.

- Alika

[Alika]

It has been more than a month, and noone has made a single comment as to the rewards of honesty?

Not sure whether to make a partial conclusion that honesty doesn't pay off, isn't worth it?

However, I very much doubt that is the case. Is the phrasing wrong, the question too rough or out of place? Any input (including in private messages) is more than welcomed. Thank you.

- Alika

[Life-lies-trust]

I think they are afraid to answer this question because it requires the PA/SA/MB to admit to the TTF world what they have really been doing.

[Crisodian]

Keep in mind that some PAs do not come to the SO section. It is too difficult for them. Bumping the topic up with a post will also make it more visible for those who may have missed it.

Peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

Sorry Alika, I just noticed this post this morning.

• How far were you willing to take your lies?

I'm not sure what exactly you mean here Alika... I'll assume you mean how much was I willing to lie about? In my case the lie was fairly narrowly focused on a question that Mrs. Daniel posed to me now and then: "Are you still looking at prnography?" I no longer lie on this question (or any other question!). And the answer is "No" by the way!

• What price did you pay for having lied?

I broke down the trust Mrs. Daniel had in me. I also had to pay a very steep emotional price when the lie was dragged into the light of day. Also had to work through alot of emotional turmoil in the marriage as the recovery moved along

• What did you gain once the lying stopped?

The obvious thing is the gradual reappearance of trust from Mrs. Daniel to me. Also, it's hard to estimate the value of a clean conscience, but this was also an extremely good benefit. Add to this that our marriage has taken off in ways I could have never imagined; add again that we are no uniquely positioned to help others IRL (in real life -learned from Vorlan!).

• How do you feel about yourself after stopping to lie?

Excellent!

• All in all: was it worth it?

Was the lying worth it? No.

In particular it would be of value to see how high a price was paid for the lies and what was gained by stopping (both lies and addiction) for the sake of perspective between the loss and later the rewards, and in order to offer understanding between PAs and SOs, and to encourage and motivate those struggling to leave the web of lies caused by addiction.

Thank you in advance for any blunt, honest, and not least courageous replies to some pretty tough questions.

- Alika

You are on the right track here Alika. Mrs. Daniel told me many times that while the use of P was an obvious and serious wrong, it was the lying about it that caused the most damage to our marriage.

Nevertheless, God is good and has immensely restored what was lost!

Daniel

[Alika]

Daniel,

it's not quite how I meant it, but your answers are much better than how I meant it! :)

Thank you so much for chipping in with your personal experience and giving this thread attention. I hope that more people will follow and provide more insight.

Especially, I believe that we, SOs, will appreciate reading that:

Was the lying worth it? No.

It is so validating to hear, thank you.

- Alika

[FoolishMind]

Hey Alika, With the greatest respect I have to admit, I didnt respond to this question earlier as I thought it was quite obvious really and the answers generated would not only apply to PA, but actual and general life.

Lying is bad no matter what you lie about. period.

Honesty is good, no matter what the subject. period.

to me that is common sense.

Every single human being has lied in their life about something, regardless of the scale, and therefore everyone will know that a lie can grow, and get bigger, thus you fall into the trap of the famous phrase "living a lie"

Being specific to PA, again, it is obvious what the ultimate price is of continuing to lie. In the same way an SO can turn a blind eye ( a lie in effect) to what their husband/partner is doing, which will also cost them to be living a lie.

I do understand your line of questioning, but i dont think any answers will tell you anything that you dont already know.

so come on alika, massage that brain, and get a really juicy topic going.

FM

[Alika]

Telling the truth seems to be the no. 1 challenge to p addicts and I was hoping for:

1. An account of the extent of lies so that the SOs could have their gut feelings and suspicions validated (if not by their own partner then by other p addicts)
2. An account of the price paid as to warn other p addicts about how far to take it by seeing what it had cost other p addicts (marriage, not seeing their children grow up, etc.)
3. An account of all the benefits to stopping lying, hopefully motivating factors for p addicts who still keep their partners in the dark to come clean and start being honest
4. Again an account of the benefits, this one specifically aimed at self worth which grows immensely once one starts being an honest and trustworthy person, it can do a whole lot for a person’s self esteem. Again hopefully a motivating factor for p addicts who are trying to decide beginning to be honest with their partners
5. Was it worth it? Was actually meant as: was all the lying worth it? During the time of constant lying, I assume that the lies seem like they’re worth it. Hopefully one of the p addicts would spell out in a lengthy and extremely verbose post why it wasn’t worth it even when during the p addiction on its highest seemed like it.

I made this post as on TTF there are very few posts (if any) where p addicts are willing to SPEAK UP LOUD AND CLEARLY about:

• just how much they have lied
• what they have lied about
• to what extremes the p addicts were willing to take it when it came to fabricating lies and excuses

On the other side of the fence are the SOs hurting, aching, being desperate to find out just how much their partner lied to them. I was one of SOs yearning for the truth at the point in time I posted the above question, and even almost three months later I know there are many more lies to unravel between OE and I, and I suspect the same can be said for other couples even three or more months later.

Respectfully,

Alika

[Crisodian]

Alika,
While I appreciate what you are asking and seeking the answers for, try to keep in mind this can be a very sensitive and difficult topic for many PAs to answer as it really pulls them back into their mindset as an addict.

I'm not saying not to ask your question. Nor am I giving PAs a "pass" not to have to face up to their addiction. But, this can be sensitve, difficult and painful, and some may even find it triggering.

Please try to keep that in mind as to why so many have not replied.

You can lead a horse to water....

Peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

I made this post as on TTF there are very few posts (if any) where p addicts are willing to SPEAK UP LOUD AND CLEARLY about:

• just how much they have lied
• what they have lied about
• to what extremes the p addicts were willing to take it when it came to fabricating lies and excuses

On the other side of the fence are the SOs hurting, aching, being desperate to find out just how much their partner lied to them. I was one of SOs yearning for the truth at the point in time I posted the above question, and even almost three months later I know there are many more lies to unravel between OE and I, and I suspect the same can be said for other couples even three or more months later.

Respectfully,

Alika

Alika,

For me it was just plain "Didn't see the post" as to why your question went for so long with no serious takers (with due respect to FM for considering it while waiting it out).

Consider the membership regarding PAs, many in intense struggles, many caught in the spin-wash cycle of relapses, many just coming to grips with what this all means.

Thus your question is a strong one. And I would submit there are few active users willing to go there.

Why? Because the ones who may be best equipped to speak on this subject are more or less healed and have fallen off the TTF grid or are not active enough to notice this post. Just an idea..

But here's another way to look at the 'lack of interest' in answering this question: The Journals.

The answers are in hundreds of fragments of posts throughout many of the PA's journals. You probably know this already. Some of the guys were extremely unflinching in their self-assessment.

So many have answered your question but did so in the "privacy" of their journals and in the process of their own recovery -not that they are hiding necessarily but just that they may have already spoken their mind, left TTF, and we now have the various time-capsul journals to refer to...

My $.02 worth.

Daniel