Why the hesitance towards your SOs need for honesty?

[Alika]

I am trying to understand the various reasons and motivations behind the reluctance, and in some cases seemingly total unwillingness, towards being honest and open with your SO, and would greatly appreciate some insight from the PAs willing to providing insight to this.

Thank you in advance for any and all input on this.

- Alika

[hopefulwife]

Good question. I also would realy like to get some thoughts on this. Honesty is the one thing that I dont want to accept any excusess on. Its also the major thing missing from my relationship and I am guessing thats a common problem.

I know part of the addiction is because of its secritive nature, but why once its out cant they make honesty a policy? After all the hurt and damage dont to the relationship why persist with the lies? All that will do is cause our very damaged trust to never grow back. I would respect my hubby for telling me the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I think there are two reasons for the lack of honesty once the secret comes out.

1. Shame. They are ashamed and even if we know some, they don't want us to know all because its hurtful for us. The only way they could be a PA was by shielding us from knowing, because then they can use the old "What they don't know won't hurt" excuse. But once we know, then they have to confront the fact that their actions do hurt us. Once they acknowledge that even a little bit, the shame comes crashing down.

2. They aren't ready to give it up. If we don't know all the secrets, they can hope that it will all die down and they can go back to it. What we don't know won't hurt, right?

I have found in my husband that # 2 was the answer when I found out a little a few years ago. #1 was the answer 6 months ago. But, he has worked through some of this and with counselling, CR, and support here, he has worked through the shame and since he is 100% committed to sobriety, the honesty is no longer so difficult. There is still shame, but the need to repair our marriage is greater, so he does whatever it takes. I am thankful.

There is no healing without honesty.

[Life-lies-trust]

Alika great question. Now I would be real interested in what the PA/SA have to say.

[65Ford]

WONLM, interesting answer and one that gave me pause. I will try to think about this more later, but my initial reaction is these in fact are contradicary in nature, at least to a certain extent.

As for #1, yes, I agree 100 percent. Fear of shame is a powerful motivator in a man. Whether it's some primal need to maintain standing in the pack or whatever, we will do almost anything to "save face." And unfortunately that includes lying to those closest to us. Anything to keep this from getting out in the open, where our worst fear is being ridiculed. The thought that we might actually find support and understanding instead doesn't really cross our mind. Receiving that help might be an indication of weakness. See where I'm going with this?

At the same time, regarding #2, at a conscious level I'd like to think most of us - at least I know it was the case with me - know what we are doing is wrong, and wish we could put an end to it. Because just as fear of showing weakness is a male attribute, we also know that being honest and trustworthy are admirable attributes. We want to have those, but once we start to spin the web of deceipt, it just goes on and on. So at least at a conscious level we are ready to give it up. I'm sorry that probably doesn't answer completely the question of telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but as I start my journey, it does give me something else to think about.

[dave]

Some good insights here. My shame in my own behaviour really locked me into myself.

Another angle is that while under the clutches of addiction we live in a bubble of 'unreality'. The chemical rush of so much sx turned my view of the world into such a narrow perspective. I really believed that I could not live without my habit. When I quit I was terrified actually - initially living in tears or close to tears. There was so much fear of not having that rush in me.

After a stretch clean my perspective began to return to something closer to normal, but while acting out my way of seeing the world was 'crazy'. Thus the second step of SAA speaks of being 'restored to sanity'.

Someone who has not experienced addiction has a big challenge to appreciate how powerful all the immediate gratification is to one's psychological makeup. After the years / decades of P MB appear to rewire the brain to expect the stimulation. The concept of self control or will power had little meaning - as long as the next fix is on the horizon. A sad but very real affliction.

The necessary miracle seems to be to be able to get enough clean time along with quality supports to regain some personal insight.

A loving SO is a part of that support - but we addicts need to face our fears and find support.

Now that I have my life back things are so much better, but I still struggle at times.

Hope this helps.
Dave

[Alika]

Thank you.

This is very enlightening and now that you have started, I hope to see more PAs willing to chip in and give their takes and speak in their own personal phrasings from their own experiences.

I am aware that there are strong forces in play when it comes to keeping PA secret.

When interacting and talking with my "own PA", due to being involved myself, empathy sometimes goes out the window, and understanding is diminished. However, I do wish to make an attempt at actually really understanding, and thus other people's input and experiences are invaluable for that process. Thank you again.

- Alika

[Benedict]

Its definitely about the shame. And why that is so powerful a motive to keep the PA hidden is because two of the underlying beliefs driving PA are that (1) I am basically a bad unworthy person, (2) no one would love me as I am. The PA finds it almost impossible to believe that disclosing their addiction to their SO would not reinforce both these beliefs. Indeed, reading the pain and anger of many SOs in their posts on this site suggests that the PA may often be quite right in assessing that the SO would react by concluding that he is a bad person and not lovable (ps I am not trying to say the feelings of SOs are invalid, just that the PA can foresee the likely reaction and usually does not have the guts to go there without some external factor ...such as being caught out).

[Life-lies-trust]

Its definitely about the shame. And why that is so powerful a motive to keep the PA hidden is because two of the underlying beliefs driving PA are that (1) I am basically a bad unworthy person, (2) no one would love me as I am. The PA finds it almost impossible to believe that disclosing their addiction to their SO would not reinforce both these beliefs. Indeed, reading the pain and anger of many SOs in their posts on this site suggests that the PA may often be quite right in assessing that the SO would react by concluding that he is a bad person and not lovable (ps I am not trying to say the feelings of SOs are invalid, just that the PA can foresee the likely reaction and usually does not have the guts to go there without some external factor ...such as being caught out).

Like having the SO have to report the PA for what they are doing is the easier way to deal with this. Sorry but I say BS. I would rather have had the open discussion at home without having to air it to the public. Honesty is what the PA says that they value as long as you do not ask them to be honest. This is part of the addictive rationale of why the addicts stays in the addiction.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I understand what you are saying Benedict, but what I really am reading here is that you, or the PA in general is ashamed to tell their SO the truth because of the underlying belief that the SO will be unwilling to love them as they are. And what does it mean "you won't love me as I am"? It means, you don't think the SO will accept you as a PA who is unwilling to give up their addiction.

That's why I think the lack of honesty is linked to shame, and unwillingess to give up the addiction.

Benedict said: "PA can foresee the likely reaction and usually does not have the guts to go there without some external factor ...such as being caught out). "

True. The likely reaction is that the SO will want you to choose and if you choose the SO, then the SO will forgive you over time. But, if the PA doesn't want to choose and wants both, then they don't choose honesty and then they can keep their addiction.

Benedict- I think you just need to look at it from the SO perspective. The SO will love you as you are, but might not choose to live with you and your addiction. So, if you are willing to give up your addiction and start fresh, then the SO has the honesty they need to start fresh with you. But, if you are never willing to give your addiction, you will of course struggle with honesty. And then if you struggle with the belief that your SO will never love you as are, because you know you are dishonest, you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.