If PA/SA/MB is normal why the secrets

[Life-lies-trust]

I am trying to understand if the addict thinks everything is great and fine and there is no problem with what they are doing. Then why is there such a secret about what they are doing? If what you are doing is totally right and good why do you have to hide it?

[Vorlan]

I think the key here is self-denial.

Deep down I think most PAs know what they are doing is wrong and they instinctively hide it from others. They then try to rationalise this action with reassuring thoughts like "everyone does it", "i don't need to tell anyone", "it would only cause problems if i told someone".

In the end as you say this instinctive urge for secrecy is a clear indication that this is not ok and not right or good.

Best wishes,

Ben

[OpenEyes]

I am still coming to terms with what I have done, where I am going and just what steps to take, so I am no authority on this, but, I do think part of the problem is society as a whole. I am not trying in anyway to deminish what the PA does, but think about this. What is appladed in the public is a fine upstanding family, two kids, perfect life with great church attendence. Any deviation, and that family can do better. The further away from it you get, the more you have to improve. We can see the pressure that places on individuals, as more and more comes out about priests and other public figures like politicians doing "bad" things. Living up to a standard is not easy, especially when that standard is so high. Thus, the "hiding" of the deviation means, for purposes of the society, the family DOES meet the standard.

On an individual level, when you hide things, it is for two reasons. You are playing "hide and seek" or you are being deceptive and the second is always wrong. If you are deceiving your SO about something that will HURT your SO, then the deception may be greater, the wrongness of the act worse, and the discovery more painful. The more you deviate from the accepted, usually the more you "hide" it.

P is becoming more and more accessable, but the far right has never budged on theri stance on it, or their denunciation of those who stray. P gets into our lives, and it is how we react to it that affects us all. PA is about two things at once, wanting something that is wrong, and addiction. I am discovering my addiction part is far stronger than my desire for P, but, as P gained more acceptance I gained more and more extreme P. I followed the general trend in the P industry and it was horrible, as I look back now.

It is NOT okay. We all know it is not. We hide it. We put on our appearences for society, for the family, for the friends, to gain acceptance and respect. It is a lie. We gain true acceptance for being ourselves, being real people and through honesy.

Just my take on it.

OpenEyes

To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution. ~Joe Cordare

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I think the secrecy surrounding P is here, with this population on TTF. I know people who look at P and who don't deny it and their partners know too. I babysat for a couple when I was in highschool and their P was in with the other movies. My boss keeps his magazines in the bathroom and his wife buys the subscription. My brother kept his magazines in the bathroom. My point, P is not a secret in every relationship. And I think the difference is, for the other people, its not a problem. Its not an addiction, its not something that overrides everything else in the relationship.

For the population here, we are here because it is a problem. And one of the themes I noticed (for couples anyway) is that the PA is the "good guy" in public. Their identity is "the good guy" and they know if people know their secret, then their image is shattered. Maybe it is just something with good guys, where they get bogged down with their good guy image so they have this secret "bad guy" inside so it balances them out somehow.

[maggie]

Life Lies Trust,

I asked this question too.

If you thought it wasn't that bad and that lots of guys do it, why did you hide it so well and become so secretive with your computer?

Then, he rambles on about, well I knew you wouldn't like it if you found out, so I hid it from you.

I think it was ArtGuy's post here that was so honest it hurt.

The post said, we don't hide it to protect you from being hurt,
we hide it because we don't want to give it up, we like it too much.

That is a powerful statement and sadly it rings very true.

I keep reading the same BS line, that they keep it hidden because they are trying to protect their SO.

Secretly looking at hundreds of nude women while mb isn't protecting anyone now, is it ?

Sorry for the harsh statement, but I am sick of hearing that they didn't think it was so bad. BS

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

maggie-

They know its bad, but if they don't tell us, they won't have to face it. Its easier to hurt someone when they aren't in your face crying. So, the secret is like artguy said, they like it too much and don't want to give it up.

My point to my husband was, you should have told me when I asked you before we got married. Then I would have had options. Now my options are limited.

[FoolishMind]

I think WONLM sums it up very well actually.

I do believe however the answer to the question will differ on how you have been brought up, and the environment, friends you mix with.

The way i was brought up, this was all a very taboo subject, and was told it was bad. That stuck in my mind, but the confilicting information i got was everyone as MB's, and to aid MB, you view P! So i kinda got into it, because i thought it was the norm, but didnt want to let on to anyone else about it.

I genuinely believe, MB once in a while for someone not in a relationship is fairly natural. However, in a relationship, it is somewhat selfish, and therefore we keep this secret because we know it is exactly that, and we have mentioned several times over, PA, and addictions in general is a very selfish act.

FM

[maggie]

WifeofNLM,

Your statement, if he had told you that he was a PA before you married him, you would have had a choice as to whether you wanted to have the filth of p in your life or not.

The Healing from Infidelity site explains this situation well.

The wife of a physically abusive man, is clearly aware of the harmful situation she is living in and has to decide whether to leave her partner or stay with him and take the abuse.

The wife of a PA, knows that something is wrong, the marriage is like a fictional template of a real relationship, but something is missing. She doesn't know what or why. She feels the disconnect, the coldness, the lack of true intimacy, but because she doesn't know about her H's secret life of p & m, she is confused and continues to go thru the motions of living in an unfullfilling relationship.

She may act out herself, trying to get a man's attention, because she feels the hidden rejection from her partner. She doesn't know the reason for it, so she believes she may be somewhat at fault.

This is the cruelty of a partner's hidden p & m. The wife doesn't know it, so she can't make the decision whether to remain in the situation or to leave and begin her life over.

The hidden secret that not only ruins relationships, but deprives the woman from making choices to protect herself.

[Daniel]

I am trying to understand if the addict thinks everything is great and fine and there is no problem with what they are doing. Then why is there such a secret about what they are doing? If what you are doing is totally right and good why do you have to hide it?

LLT,

A completely rhetorical question to the P-free groundbreakers here at TTF, but a great way to show the complete logical fallacy of PA nonetheless.

The fact that most PAs drive their secret underground proves that it is not OK.

To answer your question directly: everything was not great and fine, but was in fact misery as an addict; whereby the only solution on the horizon was the next fix; hiding was the only perceived option.

A jail of our own making.

But we know that a day of reckoning will come, nothing stays hidden forever. And the more you hide and do then the worse the fallout.

This problem of men not wanting to come forward with their issues, whatever they are, is a very old one:

"And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil." (John 3:19, AD 61)

Great Question,

Daniel

[jrock123]

no question that everybody should know everything about their partner BEFORE they make permanent lifelong decisions. I think we'd all like to know everything before we make any decision. the problem with the porn addict is that they do NOT think clearly or normally. they have a skewed view of the world and are completely blind to the impacts on others and the negative effect of porn addiction. I am not at all making excuses. I am simply stating that a porn addict may not tell their partner for a whole host of reasons: embarrassment (teens do not often talk about masturbation - its not really an easy subject to discuss), they don't believe its wrong (haven't figured out that it DOES have an impact on themselves and their partners), they believe it IS wrong, they don't want to hurt their partner, they mistakenly see porn as completely independent of their partner, etc., etc. The porn addict does not have a clear and objective mind and is unqualified to see porn's influence and impact on relationships, self-worth, personal growth. they are not sane. again, i am not making excuses, just pointing out that irrational people aren't good at making rational decisions.


jrock