What is he up to?

[Possum]

Hi, I’m new to TTF, and honestly not entirely sure if it’s the right place to be asking, but if not then maybe someone can suggest somewhere that may be better suited.

Briefly, my situation is this;
For a few months now I have been friends with a man who I met in class at university. He is thirty, I am nineteen. Initially he asked to get to know me better with the view of perhaps later dating. However, after thinking everything over I told him that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to be anything more than friends. He wasn’t too surprised, considering the eleven year age gap, and the fact that he has already been married before. So now we are good friends.

What he doesn’t know, though, is what really prompted my decision not to date him. After finding out his surname, I did a google search on him. It turns out that he has been convicted for making, distributing and possessing P depicting minors.

The first conviction was four years ago; the same year as he and his wife separated. His possession of objectionable material was reported to the authorities by a teenage girl who he was dating at the time – while still married. The second conviction was two years ago.

He has, as far as I can tell, been honest with me about everything in his past except for anything which might have meant me finding out about his problems with P. Even then, he didn’t lie except by omission. There is a difference in his behaviour after the two convictions. After the first one he had a (very) major depressive episode and didn’t leave his house for a year and a half. After the second one he has been making extra effort to keep himself busy with constructive activities. He has been getting court-ordered treatment since his first conviction, and admitted in an interview that he was addicted to P depicting minors.

The man I know is kind, intelligent, funny and considerate, and I have every intention of remaining friends with him as long as I safely can. I say ‘safely’ because I don’t look nineteen – I’m usually mistaken for being about four years younger than nineteen. And that falls into the top end of the age group which he collected P depicting.

My question, then, is how likely is it that he is actually in the process of sexual grooming rather than building a friendship? And what are some things to look out for?

I am being very careful, and always will be – making sure to only meet where there are people around, never get in a car with him etc. I just don’t want to lose a good friend over something which he wasn’t actually doing.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for any suggestions you may have.

- Possum

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Possum-

I don't know this man so its hard to say what his intentions are. But, I do know the type since my dad is a convicted pedophile. He is nice, funny, intelligent, charming. He was married to adult women, he was a little league coach, but he was also a pedophile. I lean towards caution. You can't tell a pedophile by their charm or their face.

In my experience, this is a sickness and I don't think it goes away, even with treatment. You are not a minor, but you said you look like one. Given this man's track record, I would steer clear. It may not be fair to judge someone based on their past, but this is a criminal past, not a mistake. Also, you should consider the future. What if you two got involved and had a child together? How would you ever know this child would be safe?

Pedophiles can possibly change, but they typically don't in my experience. I could never date one because then I would be condoning past actions against innocent children. One may argue that teens are hardly innocent and what's the harm if they are sxually active anyway? But, that is not a good argument. It is illegal and teens are still children. They are not known for good judgement and it is easy to take advantage of them.

Sorry, this is all my opinion. Be cautious, whatever you do. And if you develop a relationship with him, you owe it to your friends and family to tell them the truth. You should not expose anyone to this risk without their knowledge. Even if it is the past, you read in the news every day about repeat offenders, and he is already a repeat offender.

Good luck and I hope all goes well for you.

[Life-lies-trust]

Possum
WNLM has really good points here. I would at least read what she has said and think about it. Remember that addictions are about lies and omissions are also a form of lying because they are doing it knowing what their past record is.

[Possum]

Thank you for the replies!


WifeOfNewLifeMan, I very much agree with your point that if he and I got involved then I could never know that any resulting children were safe. This is a major reason why, almost immediately after finding out about his past, I decided that there was no way that I would ever date him. He knows that I will never date him, although he doesn’t know why, because he doesn’t know that I know about his involvement with P. So anything more than friendship is NEVER going to happen between us.


I also really appreciate the comment about telling friends and family the truth about him, so as not to expose them to a risk without their knowledge of it. I had previously seen telling people about his past as a bit of a grey area, because if he really has been in recovery since his second conviction, it seems like sabotaging everything he’s worked towards since then. It makes sense to minimize the risk to others where I can though. The issue now is going to be figuring out who needs to know, and how to tell them without either over or underemphasizing the potential risk.


I have already told one close friend, and intend to tell at least one more. I am also in the process of trying to contact a friend of his who I know has a young daughter and who probably has no idea about his past.


I still intend to remain friends with him, but will always have a very limited trust of him, and be very, very cautious. I would like to be able to know whether or not he is up to something with me (ie. grooming) or just wants to be friends, so if anyone has some suggestions of good indicators of grooming to look out for, I would definitely like to know. I have already looked up signs of grooming, but most of the information seems to be about grooming of children rather than teens, and a lot of the signs are indistinguishable from normal aspects of friendship.


Once again, thank you so much for your input!


- Possum

[Alika]

Hi Possum,

I think it’s very positive that you come to TTF to seek information and advise. It shows that you are very aware of possible red flags and reacting upon them.

WoNLM says:

In my experience, this is a sickness and I don't think it goes away, even with treatment. You are not a minor, but you said you look like one. Given this man's track record, I would steer clear. It may not be fair to judge someone based on their past, but this is a criminal past, not a mistake.

And also:

he is already a repeat offender

Those are very good and valid points, and they’re coming from someone who has had the problem up close and as such has very qualified input.

I believe you are doing the (only) right thing by warning friends with children. And, you may also want to give very serious thought to why you despite your knowledge of his past haven’t already ended the friendship with him, and what his motives for befriending you are.

Best of luck, and I wish you safe.

[Admin2]

Unfortunately due to certain restrictions, Throughtheflame.org cannot offer support or advice with regards to pedophiles in an open forum.

To continue this discussion, please use the private messaging system.

Thank you for your understanding.

The TTF Team