Support after the initial shock

[landslide]

Yesterday in counseling I told my H that I knew he was actively using porn despite him telling both me and the counselor otherwise. He was in denial, lied, whatever---my question is what/how much/type of support do I give him so that he maintains the understanding that I am available to him in every way that helps him towards a healthy lifestyle, but that I will terminate the marriage if he wants to continue in his addiction?

We are setting up a 'plan' of support with our counselors help. But, I can tell there is a part of him that is pretty p-off!!! I'm ok with that, cause I am willing to leave if it doesn't stop. We have lost all honesty, intimacy, trust for one another due to addictions (mine alcohol-his PA) and I am not willing to do this to each other anymore. Life is just too darn short for all the drama.

Any and all recommendations would be appreciated. Thank you!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Landslide-
If you and your husband are going to counseling, he must be able to comprehend the effect his addiction has on you. When you didn’t know what he was doing, it was super easy for him to rationalize and tell himself he wasn’t hurting you. Denial is easy when there is no truth. But if he denies now that he is hurting you and trying to minimize the impact of his actions on your marriage, it is willful ignorance at this point. Even if he doesn’t accept that this is destroying your marriage, you have done your part in bringing it to light. For me, I could only offer support when my husband 100% committed to recovery. I could not support him or stay with him if he didn't give it up.

You are justified in having expectations and holding him to them. You just have to decide what those expectations are. The only advice I can give is to not rush into anything. This emotional time is not a great time to make major life decision. With that said, love does not mean you have to sit back and let him hurt you continuously.

Your question really made me think so I posted more in my journal, One foot out the door. I didn’t want to take over your journal with my thoughts. :)

I hope things get better for you. But you don’t have to just hope. You can decide what you want in your marriage and then seek it. I hope your husband chooses you and your marriage.

[maggie]

Landslide,

You have a more difficult battle than many of us here, who after discovering the dirty secret, sometimes more than once, at least the PA was determined to get better.

If you H is still using p, even during counseling and after discovery, it sounds like he isn't trying to get better and get this addiction under control.

NewLifeWife is right. Now that you have explained to him how he is hurting you and your relationship, his selfish behavior cannot be excused. Believe it or not, some PA's think it's just a " guy thing " or fool themselves into believing that.

Have you given him an ultimatim ? How long has he been a PA and is this the first time you have discovered this ?

I very nervously state that, once my H's dirty secret was discovered, I think he stopped. He had trouble, images, urges, but he is seeing an addiction counselor and is doing better ( I hope,, I think ) Honestly, after a discovery of broken trust and deceitfullness of this magnitude, I'm never certain when I listen to what he tells me.