What would it take?

[Devastated2]

I have a question for the PAs here but let me start by telling you I think you are extremely brave for being here & facing your problem head on. I wish you luck in your recovery & continued health in your relationships.
A little background on our situation. I joined ttf Nov. 08, after finding p on my laptop & my husband telling me 'I need to see someone about this.' I had found things on one or two occasions over the years but was always told it wasn't an issue, until 08. After my discovery, I had what I consider to be a nervous breakdown (not eating, not sleeping, screaming at my children all the time). I was convinced at the time it was more than just p. I'm now fairly confident it was just p. Anyway, we went to counseling, he downplayed the problem, the therapist bought it & it became 'me' that had the problem. Anyway, we tried to move forward. We had some incredible times that made me think maybe we were healing. But from time to time I'll find things that make me realize: we are not over this yet. Granted, the things I've found have been tame in comparison to how we started. Still, he even lied about the tame things. That is how I know we have a long way to go. So, my question: what would it take at this point to get him to see the problem? We've been to he'll & back but still I'm being lied to on occasion. I did the letter writing in the beginning and it did help at the time. Still he won't admit to it being a problem & I don't know how to get him to see how destructive this is to us. Also, he is surrounded by technology fir work so it's not possible to monitor him all the time. I also have no desire to do that. It nearly killed me the first time. So, any input on how to get him to see his problem would be appreciated. For now, I've turned my marriage over to God & I'm concentrating on changing the only person I have control of: me.

[Daniel]

Devastated,

The way you ended your note, saying you are focusing on you, is exactly the right approach.

You've been there, done that, everything was presumably on the table and talked through etc.

And now you think he's still potentially hiding and/or not being honest with himself or you (just so I understand the question).

There are probably many opinions on what to do next. Consider this One Opinion:

1. No one except him will be able to wake up and realize there is a problem.

It doesn't sound so bad that you are ready to pack up and leave. That would certainly get his attention.

It sounds like you want him to recognize the severity of his issue, according to your own perspective. And we'll assume for the sake of arrgument that you have it pegged accurately and he does not. That he still maintains a certain level of denial etc.

Nevertheless, he and he alone must realize the severity of his issue.

If it gets bad, something is discovered which brings the severity out into the light of day, then you have leverage.

An option would be to put these thoughts down on paper (like last time but perhaps lighter?), expressing all your doubts and lingering fears, and hope he responds.

If I were in your shoes I would expect to see tangible results in the little things that would demonstrate a truly changed heart and attitude.

For what it's worth,

Daniel

[Devastated2]

Thanks so much for your reply Daniel. You've said pretty much what I have felt all along is the key: he needs to figure this out for himself & I can't make him see it. I mention the 'little things' simply because that is all I have seen lately. There very well could be more & he has simply covered his tracks well. Also, if it is going to come to another confrontation (as I expect it eventually will) I want to have my facts straight. I think to do otherwise would be foolish. So, i am essentially waiting it out to see where things lead. What bothers me about these recent discoveries (aside from the obvious lying) is that I believe I know how easily this can be triggered again & snowball. I've been very careful about what types of tv programs, movies etc. that we view together for that same reason. I believe in my heart that he comprehended the severity of the issue initially but became afraid. After looking online 2 years ago & finding some of the checklists to determine if you are a PA, he became scared (this is my opinion). And, so suddenly this was not a problem anymore. However, there were very telling signs such as taking great risks to view p (using a company card to purchase movies & using a computer owned by a relative...one that my children use often to do their homework on). But to him it was just a 'guy' thing. But even the recent discoveries tell me that he has tried to walk away from it & obviously cannot. If he could, he would not be lying about it.
Initially I was willing to do all I could to help him. I was willing to do too much. I grew up around addiction (alcohol) and have my own codependency issues. It does not surprise me that I unconsciously married someone with addictive tendencies. But I am also very honest with myself about my own issues & over the last 2 years I have learned to detach. Out of all of the things that can give the SO of a PA peace, detaching is a great place to start. It really does help you see things in a new light. It does not mean you don't care or that you are abandoning the person you love in his time of need. It simply means you are seeing their issues for what they are: their issues. While I can see areas of my marriage that certainly did not help my husband's p issues, I also realize I did not cause them. They were deep rooted long before we met (he was first exposed at age 7 or 8). This is a tremendous relief when you realize this. There is so much room with this addiction to try to point the finger at anyone but yourself & my husband definitely did that. I can say that today, while I do see this as still a problem...it is not my problem. All I can do is wait & hope he sees it for what it is. If/when he does, we can truly begin to heal together in truth and grow together with integrity.
Thanks again for your reply & continued success in your recovery.