Quit and relapse

[Life-lies-trust]

Next question is has anyone quit PA/MB addiction without relapsing? Or am I recieving more lies?

[jrock123]

LLT - I do think its possible for someone to do this without a relapse. It just depends on the level of commitment. I told my my wife 3-4 times in about 12 years that I would quit and didn't. But I can also look at those 3-4 times and say, I didn't realize porn/MB could be an addiction, I didn't see anything wrong with it because I was blind to the impacts, and I was telling my wife what I knew she wanted to hear. 3 months ago, I decided to quit. This meant - join TTF, cut out alone time, demonstrate success by posting a lot to TTF and eventually telling my wife. So did I have relapses - technically yes. But my recent new level of commitment and the actions I took and the conversations with my wife were in a completely different stratosphere. it was the first time I was quitting vs. trying to quit (credit WONLM for verbiage she used with me early on). I can say the same thing about my dad when he quit drinking which essentially follows the exact same pattern. until he took action and went to an AA meeting and committed to his wife that he was going to stop drinking, it wasn't a real commitment.

jrock

[TheChangeINeed]

LLT, in case there's any value in statistics here's my take on your question based on my experience. I can't prove that quitting successfully on the first try is impossible, but my experience suggests it is highly unlikely. (Sorry to have to say it...)

I first tried to quit a P habit that started when I was 13 or so after meeting the woman who later became my wife, but it was too much of a habit, a part of daily routine, which I selfishly continued to indulge. I next tried right after we got married, but again I failed. My next big push came after the birth of our first child, and it worked for a time due to sheer exhaustion if nothing else, but again the old habit returned. When I was later first confronted I told her I would stay away from it from now on, but again I took no concrete action beyond deleting a few files. I wasn't thorough enough (didn't accept it as a real problem?) and one of those files ended up being a trigger that pulled me back in. The difference this time (62 days and counting) is that I now see the trail of past failures very clearly, and I've fully realized the damage my PA was causing not only to my relationship with my wife but also to my relationship with my kids - that last part was a brutal form of "shock" therapy. The thing is, as I write this and realize again just how many times I relapsed previously, I'm not sure I would be *as* aware of my problem were it not for those past failures. Would I accept it as an ongoing concern (for the rest of my life) if I had not stumbled so badly in the past?

All I can tell you is that I am committed to emerging from this darkness for my own good and the good of my family. This isn't my first time quitting, but it will be *my* last. Unfortunately, only your SO knows the answer to the question you pose of him.

[dave]

April 2 2008 was the last time I looked at P and M . . . .
So have I relapsed ? - not in the formal sense that I think you want to hear.

But being addicted is more that 'slipping' into a P binge.

Living a comfortable, manageable life without P and M is another thing. In some ways I was worse off without P amd MB in those early months of quitting - miserable, teary, lonely, hopeless, confused . . . .

It took some time (and great help) to find balance. Sometimes I still have my bad days - but I haven't looked at P and the only sx I have had is with my wife since my clean day. When I have my bad days I feel like they are a slip in the sense that I am not living well, but we have learned how to be open and honest about almost all of this. I am 57 and have been married since 20 .

The longer I am clean the more the odd bad days are taken in stride.

I hope this encourages y'all.

Dave

[Life-lies-trust]

Dave thanks that does help some knowing that there is a chance and that he is not just back to lying again. You did answer what I was wondering about.

[artguy34]

Like many PA's here, I had been confronted many times about my PA. And many times I promised to quit. However the difference this time is that I came to the realization that I am an addict. This last time, everything came out and I admitted to my wife I have a problem. In the past, I just said I would quit, and I really did mean it. But I never looked at my problem as "an addiction" I always thought I would never be an addict. That I was too smart to be an addict. Well guess what? I am an addict. So once I honestly admitted to myself that I had serious problems, I was able to work on healing myself.

From that point on, I have never relapsed. For me, it is not an option, it is a way of life. I don't have anything against MB, or PA's who still do. But for me personally, it is the source of my addiction and a crutch for mental soothing. I choose not to MB because I know where it will lead. And that is a place I do not wish to be.

So yes, it is very possible to not relapse after the "Ah-ha" moment anyway.

Hope this helps?

[Life-lies-trust]

Well he said that he was an addict but he lied about quitting. He lost his job over this today and tomorrow I have to answer the questions from the students why he is gone. Again this is all about him and what he wants and I'm left holding the bag of S####. So I have the answer to my question he had relapsed but it was a secret.

I do not think he really wants to stop I think all I'm getting is words to shut me up. Well he has to make some decisions about his life and what he really wants to keep.

[artguy34]

I do not think he really wants to stop I think all I'm getting is words to shut me up. Well he has to make some decisions about his life and what he really wants to keep.

I'm sorry to hear about this for you. Unfortunately it comes down to chosing for the PA. We must chose to heal and keep our family, or take the easy road and let our addiction lead us to the wastelands.

I hope for your sake, he chooses wisely. Having a supportive spouse is a gift and a blessing. But there comes a time when even the most supportive spouse's patience will run out.

I truly wish you both luck and healthy healing!