Is he genuine? Will it happen again?

[Brooke_M]

I discovered my husband's PA on Thursday of last week. Since then he has tried so hard to be a better person. He stays away from things that trigger his need, he doesn't get mad when I ask him a million questions, he spends his free time reading the Bible and doing things to show me he loves me. We're in the process of finding a marriage counselor. It's great. But part of me is wondering if it will last. And how hard it really is for him to make these changes. I'm so worried that this is just a phase that will last a few weeks and then we'll be back at square one.

So I guess my question is this,

Is there any way to know if my husband is being genuine? And what are the chances that he's going to relapse? If he does, how will I ever know?

This all just hurts so bad, and is so shocking, that I don't even know how to begin processing it. Thanks for all your help!

[artguy34]

It is new and it is easy to "think" that all will be ok after several days. However after a week, things begin to go back to normal and then urges hit by week 2.

This road is long and it is very tough! My suggestion is to have your husband arm himself with the best defenses he can utilize to fight off his urges. What ever works, use it. Also, I would invite him here to TTF so he can read what others go through. SO's and PA's alike. Many of the journals are very eye opening and also heart breaking. Reading them will help in your journey to recovery.

Actions speak louder than words, he needs to show you he is serious about recovery and he needs to be 100% honest and transparent. The fact that he answers your questions is a great start. That needs to continue as you both move forward. PA involves a lot of lies and betrayal. Words are no longer enough. However if you both can discuss things daily then you are definitely taking steps in the right direction.

Good Luck to both of you!

[Life-lies-trust]

Is there any way to know if my husband is being genuine? And what are the chances that he's going to relapse? If he does, how will I ever know?

This all just hurts so bad, and is so shocking, that I don't even know how to begin processing it. Thanks for all your help!

Brook_M listen to your inner voice. If it tells you there is a problem listen to it and ask question. Being numb and having trouble processing the knowledge of your H having PA addiction is normal. You will find that you go through a lot of emotions.

Here is a big hug for you.>:D<

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Brooke-

Artguy had some good things to say. I agree with him. I have found through experience with my husband and from reading lots of posts on here that the initial discovery is usually followed by lots of "i'm sorry, it will never happen again" conversations. Those conversations are then followed up in a month or two with a renewed eagerness for P and the rest. So, maybe after your initial discovery, your husband is truly sorry and will never do this again. If he goes to a support recovery group, has filters on the computer, perhaps goes to counselling, or does some other actions that will lead to recovery, then you might be able to beleive him.

But, if this discovery is only followed by talk and no real, continued actions, then I don't think its real. That's my opinion. The initial discovery usually is only when you see the tip of the iceburg. Then you (I mean me!) get complacent, believe the talk and settle down. The second discovery, or the third, or whenever you decide personally that you've had enough, is usually when the PA gets it and then takes real action to quit and repair your marriage.

I hope your husband is a first time quitter. At least you are here and educating yourself, so you won't be as ignorant as I was. Good luck to you and I am sorry you are going through this. This site is a life-saver and a marriage saver, but only for those who truly want to heal.

[Life-lies-trust]

Brook_M
WNLM is correct about the first catch DG promised that it had only happened twice and would never happen again that was over 4 years ago. What he really meant was that I would not catch him easily again. I had to report him for porn at work which was really hard to do but the law required that I report it. Now the dirty laundry has been coming out. It is not fun or a happy time for me and I have points that I do not care if he is hurting. This is really a hard addiction to be the collateral damage of because that is what the SO is.

I really hope that your H is the type who when caught the first time realizes that he needs help.

Hugs and Chocolate.

[Rainbow]

Brooke, I too am learning with you. I had thought things had settled down and only to recently find out that my husband is still watching that filth. There is always an excuse and the only way to move forward (because I still want to save my marriage), is to trust that he means the things he says about stopping. At the same time I trust my gut instinct, when it tells me something is wrong I listen; and I also accept that part of this addiction may mean he just gets sneakier about watching.

It truly hurts beyond belief to be the SO in this situation.

More hugs to you >:D<

[Brooke_M]

Thanks to you all for the words of wisdom, encouragement and the hugs!! Although some of the things I've read here make me scared that I'm being naive, I also feed more educated and hope to be more prepared.

I hate that we are all in this position, but I'm very thankful to have women to tallk to that can really understand my pain.

[Life-lies-trust]

Just finding out and having to deal is hard. We all wish that this is not as bad as other say. We all hope that our PA are only just touching on this addiction and not years into it. The sad part is that most of us find during the recovery that we were naive and trusting.

So Give yourself a GREAT BIG HUG>:D<and a box of chocolate.