How can you forget?

[hopefulwife]

My hubby has admitted he has a problem afew times. But now he is saying he isnt that bad and doesnt need help. My pain and what I have been through seems to all of a suden not amount to much eather. Its like he forgot. What is going on? This makes no sence. Can someone just go back to denial?
If he has gone back to denial than does that mean that he will start up again? Its only been a week that he hasnt viewed p this time as far as I know.

[maggie]

Sorry Hopeful, but your H sounds just like mine.

At first he first denied that he had a problem, said it was no big deal and he'd just stop, now that I had found his stash.

Next, he broke down and admitted that he " got lost " and it was becoming a big problem for him, but figured all men do this.

Now, months later, he is denying and minimizing his use and problem again, stating that he is clean and will never use again and isn't as addicted as the PA on this site.

I tried to explain to him that the men on this site are in a much better place than he is, because they are facing their problem and admitting they need help. It's a powerful, easy to use addiction and most men cannot just walk away unscathed.

[hopefulwife]

That is exactly like my hubby. Do they all bounce back and forth between acceptance and denial? and what can I do to help my hubby?

[dave42]

I have bounced back and forth between denial and acceptance of my addiction for at least two years! I've thought I had a problem and then decided I didn't for the last 10-15 years! As recently as 2 weeks ago, even after all the work I've done on recovery here, I was trying to figure out, "How can I manage this p thing? I guess I can't kick the habit, but can I at least keep the time and money I spend on it to something reasonable." So, I don't know what you can do to help your hubby. If he is like me, it took a LONG time to get to this site. It then took a LONG time to post. It then has been a roller coaster of a 2 year period of sobriety and relapse, sobriety and relapse. I was sober 8 months and 4 months at the longest, and 3 hours at the shortest! Ha! It's a tough, tough addiction. I guess I just want to say that, in my case, I'm really glad my partner didn't leave me...yet. I am just now comfortable saying that I'm a p addict and that no matter how far down the road of sobriety I go, I'll never be more than 3 feet from the ditch. I learned that saying a few days ago. It's a tough situation. I am finding that Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings are a great help to me. I think that there are SO of SAs meetings too, although I'm not sure.

Good luck to you and your husband!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

hopefulwife-

My husband also bounced back and forth between acceptance and denial. In my opinion, denial of the problem, its impact on you, and ignoring your hurt are all signs that he is not willing to quit.

Has he come to this site and read stories from PAs and SOs?

I don't know how you can help him. It seems like people have to hit rock bottom before they decide to quit their addiction, and some never decide to quit. Some people have suggested writing a loving but clear letter telling your PA how his habit makes you feel.

Good luck and I hope things get better for you.

[maggie]

Hopeful,

You sound so sweet to want to help your husband with this problem. I am getting bitter, which I know will only cause more hurt and pain. But, it is such a betrayal of intimacy and it is so disloyal and selfish. Maybe I am kidding myself, but I feel as though I would rush to his side to help him with a drinking problem. I'd try to keep him away from booze and the people that drink and I'd try to keep him healthy and clean. I'd want to conquer the alcohol addiction with him.

But, this PA is such a hurtful addiciton. He was staring at thousands of naked women. I just can't accept that. I know he needs help, but I am having trouble helping myself deal with this; I have nothing left for him.

I hope you continue to try to help your H. It is the right thing to do. You could try printing out some of the articles on PA and how the images get into the brain and cause triggers and chemical changes. I did this initially, and we both learned how powerful this addiction is. It helped him a little, because he could see that it wasn't because he was weak... it happened because the addiction is so powerful.

[artguy34]

IMO it is dependant on the PA.

We discussed it in other threads, it is the "click" factor for PA's when we acknowledge that what we were doing is wrong and it is an addiction. To put it simply... it is an action that we cannot stop. An action we lied about, made excuses and reasons to venture into it and not lose it.

When a PA has the "Click" moment, they are ready for recovery and can move forward. However (IMO) when a PA has reverted back to denying there was any type of issue is purely set in the stages of a relapse. Maybe he has not viewed P or even MB'd, but if he is denying the severity of his past actions, then there is concern to be had.

We can never change the past... I know that I hurt my wife badly when she found out all the things I had done. I can't change that, I can only move forward to make sure it doesn't happen again. But... to deny that it was really a problem, or downplay the severity of my addiction? That would be another form of making excuses to justify my PA. Not to mention insulting to my wife.

Or is this simply trying to burry the the bad memories? The biggest problem with that, is that a PA recovery in a relationship is no longer about the PA. The SO's need to heal as well. Thus it makes it VERY important that we as PA's own up to our mistakes from the past and try to make amends. If we do not, recovery will fail.

Just my thoughts... Good Luck and God Bless!

[hopefulwife]

Thank you all for the info and for the good thoughts. He is doing better for the molment and has viewed the site but wont join. I want him to, this site has helped me so much but I wont force him. That would do no good. He hast to want it, can lead a horse to water and all that. I think it will take another slip for him to join. Two weeks ago I was mad and promiced I would leave if he did it again, but I changed that promice just recently. I want him to tell me if he slips again insted of me finding out some other way. I know its all about secrets but I needto open up a conversation with him and maybe make it much better to be honest with me. Then maybe it will break up the cycle of lies and secrets. I want to know my husband and for him to know me. We NEED to be honest. I dont know if he will open up to me about this. I know it will be hard but it was very hard for me to open up and talk aswell. AS ALWAYS I AM HOPEFUL

[Life-lies-trust]

IMO it is dependant on the PA.

We can never change the past... I know that I hurt my wife badly when she found out all the things I had done. I can't change that, I can only move forward to make sure it doesn't happen again. But... to deny that it was really a problem, or downplay the severity of my addiction? That would be another form of making excuses to justify my PA. Not to mention insulting to my wife.

Or is this simply trying to burry the the bad memories? The biggest problem with that, is that a PA recovery in a relationship is no longer about the PA. The SO's need to heal as well. Thus it makes it VERY important that we as PA's own up to our mistakes from the past and try to make amends. If we do not, recovery will fail.

artguy34 thank you for putting this so elegantly. I hope all PA's read this and understand the need for truth and admitting the depth of the issues.

This is a hard thing for both the SO and PA to look each other in the face and be truthful about feeling, lies, trust, cheating, and all the other stuff rolled into this addiction.