Does PA require counseling to heal?

[WhereToStart]

My partner admits that P is a problem for our relationship and that he might have a PA, or at least a dysfunctional relationship with it...but he does NOT want to go to a counselor...my question for those working through this process is:
Is counseling necessary to heal?
If not, what strategies would you suggest for healing?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I am not sure if counselling is necessary for healing from this addiction, but it is helping my husband.

Wanting to heal is the important first step. If he doesn't want to give it up, then you have to choose if you want to accept it in your relationship. If he doesn't want to quit, then he won't.

I always wondered why I had to ALWAYS initiate sx. I wondered if my husband had a low sx drive, or wasn't into me, or had a medical issue. It turned out, it was P and chatting. I didn't know this when I married him. He brought P into our marriage without me knowing, and introduced chatting soon after. I was ignorant and didn't have a choice.

You know about this now. Marriage won't fix his problem. Marriage doesn't make it magically go away. As Crisodian said, you have to make the right choices for you. Educate yourself about PA. Good luck to you.

[Crisodian]

Regarding counselors...
My H found a good counselor dedicated to SA/PA addiction. It helped him tremendously.

That being said, there are other ways to seek help for addiction: support groups, Church leaders, accountability partners, online programs, books, and I am sure more things I am not listing here. I think it really depends on the addict as to what they need to find recovery.

WoNLM makes a good point though. If he is not willing to embrace all the things he needs, including the possibility of a counselor, he may not be willing to admit the depth of his addiction.

Wanting to heal is the key. If an addict wants to find recovery, counselor or not, they will. If they are on the fence about the addiction, they may struggle no matter how many counselors and support groups they attend.

Just my thoughts :)

~C~

[FoolishMind]

Inflatable rings help some people stay afloat, arm bands are preferred by others!

But the objective is the same!

Your H can be P free, if he chooses to be, and takes the necessary actions as documented throughout this site. If he feels is is easier to absorb information, suggestions and verbalise his feeling in a face to face situation, then yes counseling is better.

You will find members here on both side of the fence and have experienced equal successes and failures.

So in specific answer to your question...No, a PA does not NEED a counselor to heal. but it may well be a good resource to have.

FM

[Vorlan]

As FM says there are many different methods one can use to tackle P adddiction just like a more conventional addiction. Some like FM and myself have managed to deal with our addictions without counselling through the collective accountability and support of TTF. For others counselling is an essential part of their recovery process.

Everyone is different really so to answer your question no, counselling is not neccessary for recovery but it may be helpful to some. You'll have to decide with your partner what is best in your case.

Best wishes and good luck,

Ben

[Daniel]

WhereToStart,

Vorlan, Crisodian, Foolish, and WifeofNewLife have covered all of the things I would add except for small a point with an observation.

My goal is to help your H get used to this idea of counseling.

Few PAs (or those with a "problem" if you prefer) will regard going to counseling as this Great Awesome Thing and Can We Go Now I Can't Wait to See Him/Her!

In fact most of the PAs I know on this site, if not all of them, have been universally dubious to downright scared to see a counselor.

And then on the other side of the first visit they are positively glad they went, that it did them so much good etc.

There is this angle: you telling him he should think about it probably doesn't go well, depending on your unique dynamic of course.

But what if he heard it "straight from the horses' mouth" so to speak? From a PA? That would be better but no one else may know about it I understand.

I wouldn't take his caution to counseling as a one-to-one indicator of a lack of committment to break free. It might be. It might not be. I would hope for the best. I made the point already but I'll add that even under semi-normal circumstances men in general don't like counseling because, in a way, it's seen as admitting weakness; completely contrary to the Do-It-Yourself Rugged Individualists most men are.

When was the last time he asked someone for driving directions in real time? (!)

Also, perhaps committing to just One Visit could be an option. Knowing you're not locked into some 1-, 2-, or 3-month deal etc., may relieve some of the anxiety.

I would wager that the first visit (given the right counselor of course), would be so beneficial that he would want the subsequent visits.

Hopeful,

Daniel

[artguy34]

IMO, going to a counselor depends on the actual person and how they associate with others.

If your partner does not want to talk face to face with someone, regardless if it's a professional counselor/therapist, then it would be a waste of time.

However, if your partner is not afraid to open up to someone and pour information out, then seeking a counselor would be beneficial. The idea is to seek help, but don't expect a cure. I feel that too many people put too much emphasis on a counselor or therapist being someone that can "give them the cure". In reality, a counselor is someone who can merely try to explain what questions we may have about our addiction. If they are worth their price, they will also be able to point out things in what we say that could be additional factors to our problems.

Counselors are not "magicians" they are tools we can effectively use to help us recover. If any addict of any nature wishes to beat their addiction, the cure lies within them. (Within us!)

You will only get from a counselor what you put in. That is why there are so many mixed results from other PA's. (In my opinion)

Your partner will need to figure out on his own if he is ready to give up P and begin healing.

Either way, I wish you luck on your journey! >:D<

[heldback]

I got some counseling and behavior modifying attempts the first time I openly tried to deal with it as a addiction. It helped. The doctor also treated the chemical aspect of the addiction and prescribed some pills to help ease my body off of the chemicals it had come to rely on for mood control.

[dave]

In my experience counselling was a god-send - but joining SAA came an important first. An SAA member mentioned a counsellor who knew this affliction well.

I think it was the combination of the two that showed me the path to recovery - a miracle really.

SAA showed me how to stay clean, bur counselling helped me learn how I got into this mess. Both were essential to my recovery. The fellows in SAA showed me that sobriety was possible, but my counsellor helped me to see what lay beneath.

In counselling I dug out some of the factors that lead sx to have such power over me at such a young age. My early stages of withdrawl were marked with alot of tears. My C affirmed that I had plenty to cry about - that this pain was part of my recovery. I had covered up so much pain in my life (with sx) that when I quit using sx, the pain became overwhelming; but my C helped me make peace with most of my pain. And helped me move from quitting to recovery.

I hope others can find what I have - recovery is great.

Dave
650 single days in a row. clean of MB and P, and enjoying my marriage more than. ever