Frequency of viewing & MB

[maggie]

Question for PA's.

Thanks to the support and logic received here, on this PA questions page, my H has made considerable progress, considering where he was 4 months ago. He was in total denial, about to lose his job, constantly agitated and unable to leave his computer for even one day. I know that doesn't mean he was viewing every single minute, but he seemed to need to know that he could, when he needed to.

My question is ( and I know every one has different energy, time and addiction levels ), but if he was on his computer 7 days a week for many hours every day, is it possible that he only looked at the porn twice per week?

Please help out with any input on frequency of use and freedom to access to a computer whenever you'd like.

I know this is personal and I'm sorry to ask personal info, but I can't talk to friends, family or anyone around here about this.

[maggie]

So many of you helped out with the " images " problem.

I was able to convince him that he didn't need to lie or hide the fact that he was getting these porn images in his mind, and how it was important that he figured out a way to deal with them as suggested here on TTF. He denied ever having such a thing for 2 months, then finally admitted that it was happening to him.

[cyberpunk]

I can't speak for anyone else but I can say that I'm a binger. Here has been my general pattern in the past. MB every 2 or 3 days and when I MB once in a day I usually do it several times over that day and the next. I would not look at P for a week or two, sometimes 4-6 but when I did I would binge. I would spend a week looking at P every single day and waste several hours a day doing that then I would feel guilty and swear it off and I'd go for a couple more weeks without it then I'd relapse.

Hope this helps.

[maggie]

Cyberpunk,

Yes, that helps. It sort of sound like what he was doing.

He keeps saying that he only used twice a week, but basically that means every 2 or 3 days like you.

I do remember certain days when he'd be totally absorbed in his room with the computer, and when I or the kids would try to talk to him, he would be agitated and distracted.

Sounds, like these were his ' binge ' days. These days he had trouble getting out of bed and would go to sleep with his laptop in the bed.

But, he is still in denial, saying it wasn't really a problem, he only looked a couple times a week.

Thank you for your response. I can't talk to anyone about any of this and when something like this happens in a relationship, it's important to talk with others that understand.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

maggie-

I'm sorry he's still in denial. Its hard to heal when "there's not a problem." Are the answers you are getting here helping you?

[maggie]

WifeNLM,

Yes, the answers I have received here from PA's and SO's have helped me more than I can explain. I was so distraught when I found out the secret reason for my h's cold and distant behavior the last 3 years, I just wanted to die.

I can't talk to anyone in my life about this, it sounds so shocking and I don't want my friends and family to see him as some wierd, old guy looking at peep shows. He's in his 50's.

I need to get some more info though, on frequency by other PA's because, when he tells me " I just looked a couple times a week " that sounds so innocent. But, that doesn't mesh with what went on here for 3 years. He was laying in bed from 8 pm to 9 am, had trouble getting to work, and was hiding these pics in secret folders. He's get angry if any of us went near his office or his computer, and he couldn't be away from his computer for even one day, he'd get all agitated. Not that I think he was looking every single day, but like Cyber posted, maybe looking every couple days, and some days binging. That seems to describe his behavior here, although he will never admit it.

[Daniel]

maggieliz,

Another angle on his agitation and being chained to his PC was likely his stash of P that he had saved.

Part of the labor of watching (for some at least) is also saving and building up a stash to look at later when they don't have to be web-connected. This time respresents a resource that the PA will not want to waste. This sounds really ugly I realize but I have to state the truth. (It was the truth for me -ouch.)

You mentioned his getting angry for "[going] near his office or his computer"...

If he has (or had) a big stash of downloaded P etc., saved onto the PC or onto CDs, memory sticks, portable hard drives etc., then he would be terrified of that stash being discovered.

The way to ensure there is no discovery is to chase people off or hover over them if they go near it.

So the nervousness/distance/coldness... Yes, due to watching P.

And the agitation due to (possibly -bear in mind just a theory) not wanting a nasty discovery.

You mentioned not wanting him perceived as weird by friends and family and that he is 50-something. I wouldn't want that either. Nobody would. But let me theorize further that there are far more people acquainted with this issue, possibly addicted themselves and in denial or aware they have a problem, or nearly all of the males (if they are honest) will acknowledge a tendency or a weakness in this area of their life. In other words, it's a lot more prevalent than you might think.

I work with the "in-their-50s" generation (and then some ha ha) and they are pretty forthright on this.

This is by all means not to offer any excuses for the behavior.

Just that it is (unfortunately) not uncommon...

Daniel

[little_wife]

Maggie :) hi,
For my H it was like Daniel said, he spent enormous amounts of time collecting P. He says this wasn't viewing, it was merely his compulsive nature of collecting. To me it didn't matter. If I walked in on him downloading P and putting in chapter marks on his DVD collection all day, every day on his days off, then to me, he was watching P all day long every day. Period. The fact that he worried this much about whether he had it available or not was an issue. Probably in your case, in my case and everyone's case that have found there way here, is that time devoted to P could/should have been devoted to so many more constructive endeavors.

[Dewvis]

With the help of certain substances, I've had marathon binges where I don't even stop to eat. I mean coming home from work on Friday, firing up the porn, and not stopping (except for brief catnaps) till it's time to go to work Monday morning.

Blinds drawn, door locked, even parking my car around the block so friends who might pop in will think I'm not there.

[maggie]

Daniel,

Once again.. thank you so much for taking the time to respond. That is v. generous considering you have a career and a family and other interests, I'm sure.

It does seem that this PA thing is much more widespread than ever imagined, and I do know a few of my H's friends have shared p pics, but there was an entire other factor in play here, and it had to do with his computer.

It was company owned and issued and it had continually changing passwords and security blocks, so my H didn't have to worry about me checking his history or what was saved in his folders.

I believe it was divine intervention.... the day I actually did find his secret, after 3 long, wretched years, but he had a great deal of privacy that the average husband or partner would not have to view and stash.

It's been a real struggle to get him to admit anything and for the first few weeks after the discovery, and he insisted that he only looked at P about once every other month and it was no big deal.

If that were the actual truth, I probably would have asked him to stop and ended the entire thing. But, I had been suspicous for the last few years, because his behavior and attitude toward everyone and everything had changed so dramatically. The minute I found it, the confusion and fog of the last few years completely lifted. It explained so much of his strange and secretive behavior.

Binging seems to be a common occurence and that would certainly explain the days he was totally distant and distracted.
He'll never admit to binging, but really, if a guy only looked at P a few times a month for 10 minutes, it probably wouldn't cause the dramatic and negative behavior changes that he had.