A need for control?

[little_wife]

I was just wondering if perhaps there was a control issue with PA? My husband always seemed to have this extreme need to be in control of every situation that he considered important. Do other PA's see this as an addiction based on a need for control?

[Life-lies-trust]

My PA has an extremely controling mother but he is not. He just perfered if I did not exist when doing his MB and P.

[debv]

My PA can also be very controlling in a lot of ways. I'm interested to hear PAs' opinions on whether they have a need for control and whether they think it's related to their addiction.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

My husband is not controlling. If anything he is so extremely mellow that he can't make a decision. He hates confrontation and in the past lied about stupid things just so he wouldn't have to deal with me. Stupid things like... where to eat or what to eat. It made me feel like I must be a huge b**** if he couldn't even tell me he would rather eat out than at home. That's off topic. To answer... no, my PA is not controlling.

[Junebug1944]

those are actually controlling behaviors. they decide they dont want to have confrontation or don't want to decide and force you to make a decision or no decision is made. my SO is also very anti- confrontation and does this on occasion. However, i have my own control issues and so we give the other person three choices and take turns deciding otherwise we may never go anywhere or get anything.

[dave]

Perhaps a PA, although they can't see it, reaches for controlling others when their acting out is out of control - a compensation?

One of the SAA steps has taght me that I can be 'restored to sanity' in recovery. It is a little crazy to try and control others when my own life is out of control.

When we PA's are active in their addiciont we really don't have much insight, let alone choice in how we act. The compulsion can be all consuming and trying to control some small part of our world (others) is not loveing but may be all we can grasp. This is especially hard on those we once loved and have forgotten how to love.

Sometimes we are just lost in our addiciton . . . . .

Hang in there SO's - there is a time to walk away and a time to pray and hang in - but don't allow the denial to continue. Loving someone when they are acitve in addiction must be the hardest challenge of all. Perhape you will find a miracle and rejoin in love - perhaps you will need to leave (and start again ?)

I rely on my higher power, this website and my SAA group to find the way one day at a time.


Thoughts and prayers

Dave

[artguy34]

I personally do not feel PA is a "control" issue. I myself do not look to control my wife. (And she can vouch for that since she is an A-Type :D) I consider myself a mello guy who would rather enjoy life than controlling it.

I firmly believe that a PA is such because the addiction promises something gratifying which is why we PA's continuously seek out that pleasure.

I also believe that the type of Porn viewed depends on the person and how they grew up. If they grew up in a male dominated household where the father was controlling, chances are they are going to be very controlling.

I guess what I am saying is that we as humans become what we learn to be. Whether it be at home, school, or with our peers. But sometimes in life, we see negative things that change our lives and make us not want to be a certain way. So I guess it all depends on the person.

[FoolishMind]

Agree with AG here, I Don't think its a "control issue", but as a PA we are most definatley on auto pilot and trying to control our situation and freedom to have as much time with P. But i think having a controlling nature for everything is definatley independent of this addiction and is generally purely down to you character set.

Fortunately Mobile

[Hilroy]

In my case, I don't think I'm a controlling person. I have long-standing issues with anxiety and probably depression, and am indecisive to the point of driving my SO crazy at times.

BUT, my PA does very much have roots in control issues. Growing up, I was bullied incessantly, which led to the anxiety issues. I never had any relationships, and often had a hard time with just about any social interaction. P gave me a situation where people were doing very, very intimate and personal things for me to watch. Instead of people picking on me and judging me, I was the one judging and watching. The more I think about it, the more that I feel that, in my case at least, this was more of a factor than anything else.

[Vorlan]

Hey Hilroy,

I feel for you man, I too had bullying issues - though they were relatively minor compared to yours and I too am yet to have a real relationship.

I totally agree that insecurity and a lack of control could be a big factor. It makes sense actually that a person who felt like they had no control over anything in their life would turn to a smaller contained world (internet P) where everyone works for them. (or at least it appears that way) Paradoxly P use is also a way of surrendering control to an outside influence. By forcing you to watch more and more P and to MB over it P actually acts as a controlling influence. This is the flipside of the previous case because a PA would use P as it would mean they no longer had to be responsible or to think for themselves. They would let themselves be dominated by their urges and desires.

I think control is certainly a factor - it may be far more subtle than the obvious though. I know I've been guilty of both using P as a form of control and a form of surrendering it myself. I wouldn't dismiss it as a factor without carefull thought.

Best wishes,

Ben