Images in your mind ?

[maggie]

My H swears that he never had any porn images in his mind, all the years he was using. This is very difficult for me to believe, since p is all about creating images that arouse.

He used, alone in his room for 3 years, became very cold and distant to all of us, and nearly lost his job over it, yet he swears that he never had images of the fms or the acts is his head.

Does this sound possible ??

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

maggie-

No. This does not sound possible. It sounds like denial.

I know you already know this, but it still sucks to know it and for me to say it.

Hugs and hot cocoa to you today.

[maggie]

Thank you WNLM,

I am having a lot of difficulty determining truth from lies and logic from nonsense.

He has admitted a lot, has agreed he " got lost ", has asked for forgiveness and seems genuinely sad for his behavior the past few years.

But, right now, I am stuck in this trap of " is it true " " does that make sense "
and " is he telling me the truth "

I can't describe the incidents here, too lengthy, but a few incidents that occured over the past few years had me baffled. He was edgy and distracted and began driving home 85mph on a hghwy with a speed limit of 65mph. Each time I reminded him he was speeding , he'd say " oh, didn't realize it " and 10 min later he'd be going 85 mph again !! He was really anxious to get home after being away for 4 days.

I asked him many times the past few weeks if he was having urges or images, being deprived for 4 days, and he denies it. He still insists that he never had any images in his head. Isn't thins exactly the purpose of porn, to create arousing images in a man's brain.

[lightseeker]

Why dont you guys just tell your PA's to be honest or you will just get the truth from TTF members anyways!:D

Yeh to be honest it sounds highely likely that he is lying, in my experience i have found myself using images in my mind when i couldnt reach climax. I dont know for sure though about other people so i will not say %100 as i do not know. I wont ask you this but ask yourself if he has had trouble in the past reaching climax while with you, that would be a good sign in my opinion, if he never had that problem and he seems focused on you when with you then maybe not, but the truth will come out sooner or later.

But thinking about it, to be a PA and not have images flash through your head is near impossible.

[maggie]

Thank you LightSeeker

Alice in Wonderland logic games !

If porn is about images, pictures, videos and fantasizing, then it really is a 100% - in the mind - type of addiction.

So, when he insists that he never had an image in his mind or an urge until he opened the stuff, it doesn't seem logical.

I'm working my way of the dense fog I've been in the past few years and gaining some comfort that I wasn't crazy and imagining all the stuff going on between us. It helps me to accept and get stronger realizing that I was being duped, so to speak, and I really can't help him with his addiction until I get myself back up.

I will keep asking him and I will keep listening to his denials about ever having an image of the p actors or actions in his head.

[artguy34]

While in the throes of Porn use, we see many images, videos etc. and they do stay with us for a while. Images "pop" into our minds at the weirdest moments in times.

However I have found that the longer I stay clean and sober, PLUS... the more I continue to focus on my wife and family, the easier it is to lose the images I saw. But, there are some that come up once in a while, however, I focus on what's important for me and my recovery.

A HUGE part of removing the old images from my brain is working on the emotional intimacy my wife and I once shared. Talking openly again about our intimacy issues. Discussing the shortcomings and also discussing what gets us "motivated" is a key part of giving 100% of my focus to her. We spend more time being affectionate and caring for the others' desires.

However Maggie, I seriously am doubting the fact that your H has never had images stay with him. I just dont see how that can be possible. In fact I think its the other way around. We have to work hard to remove the images. Its like watching a football game and forgetting what happened? Just not realistic in my mind.

[lightseeker]

Yeh i agree with AG, getting rid of the images are hard.

The strange thing for me is, i think i am quite different to other PA's, my porn use has worsened ever since i started seeing my ex, because of the situation i was unable to have a full sexual relationship with her, i do not blame her for that 1 little bit and i completely respect her for it. But because i had needs that i couldnt control, i turned to porn but i would think about my ex when i looked at porn, so its like i was fantasizing being with her because of what i couldnt have in the relationship. So it was kinda opposite if that makes sense?

[cyberpunk]

I don't think that is opposite of most addicts. I think it is probably just different than addicts in LTR. I'm actually along the same lines as you LS, in that most of my fantasies are/were about my exgf or girls that I actually knew. In fact I would often look for girls who looked like my ex (I hope she never reads this, she would probably kill me).

[lightseeker]

Thanks cyberpunk, thats intersting

[Daniel]

maggie,

We have talked about all of the PAs being a bit different in their addiction (just today, but plenty of earlier posts scattered all over the site).

If you are familiar with many of the journals, where the guys are just pouring out their hearts and minds to get clean, you can see a wide spectrum of hangups.

And the struggle to lose the now-unwanted mental images is pretty much universally reported.

So there's some "data" to back up the personal observations from artguy and lightseeker. It was a problem for me too, it continues to be, though my mind has (Thank you God!) cleaned up in a gigantic way.

It is theoretically possible that your husband's mind occupies the end-member of this spectrum, where he literally doesn't recall the images.

That is not the normative experience from the realm of honest PAs.

The inability to recall the old junk would be very VERY extraordinary from my experience.

For what it's worth,

Daniel

(PS: I can't believe how fast these threads fly off the shelf these days!)