A PA's Pain

[Miki]

This post isn't so much of a question as it is me wanting to share something from my heart to all of you PA's out there.

We SO's get angry, disgusted, cry, question, demand, become jealous...the full gamut of intense negative emotions. But I am reminded today that most, if not all, of you are in a great deal of pain. I am so very sorry for your pain.

Last night my PA sat down on the kitchen floor and put his arms around my legs and told me, "I think this thing is going to destroy me". I asked him if he had something to tell me- and then he told me that he sat with a loaded gun to his head last week. This happened after one more episode of me finding out he has been lying to me for weeks, him acting out and lashing out at me harshly, me threatening to leave the relationship, etc.

At first I felt that if I hadn't have said anything or if I could just accept his use (though it may hurt him and others or get him fired) then this wouldn't have happened. Then I got angry, so angry that he would think of doing something so selfish. Then I wondered if this was just a really awful way for him to get me off of his back. There are no answers. He will either get healthy or not. We will either be together or not. I cannot change him and I can't take his pain away. There are more promises of honesty, of going back to therapy, and I will continue to go to my support group and work on myself.

But to the PA's; I know that you are fighting an imposing battle. Regardless of what stage of acceptance, denial, or readiness for change, I hear that you are hurting. For those of you who are looking at what is underneath the addiction, know that you are courageous.

Thank you for your courage and for all of your support to the SO's looking for solace here.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

miki-

That is truly a horrific experience. I am sorry both of you are going through so much turmoil right now.

What do you think he meant when he said he thinks this thing is going to destroy him? Does he mean giving up P is going to destroy him or this battle for recovery is going to destroy him? Or does he mean that he can't give it up and that will destroy him? It is hard to know at this point what is going through anyone's head. As you said, why was he telling you this? Is it real grief and remorse, or trying to get you off his back?

I sometimes forget in the midst of my anger and pain that my husband is perhaps hurting worse than I am. I am capable of dealing with life and disappointment. I don't hide, I face confrontation and challenges. If my life is less than satisfactory, I take steps to change it. My husband doesn’t know how to cope like I do. He has been escaping into fantasy land for so long instead of dealing with life that he is stunted in a way. So now he is dealing with all of this emotional stuff, and he doesn’t have his normal coping mechanism of P to fall back on. So, he is dealing with things and learning to deal with things in a new way. It is tough on him.

Thank you for posting and I hope things get better for you both.

[Charly22]

Miki,

Thank you for sharing with us. Just want you to know that I can relate with what you are going through...I've been there. While we cannot tolerate the way their addictions make us feel, when they finally allow the veil to be lifted, they cannot tolerate when they face the way they have made us feel. This is a crucial sensitive time for your partner. This is when it is vital that we remove our anger and bitterness and treat it with kid gloves. It seems as though he has finally felt your pain, and his too.

I hope you can help him understand some things from a physical point of view, as to how he will be unbalanced, and will not be able to experience any pleasure until he busts through this stage......sure this can feel like the end of the world to them, it is really, they no longer can depend on what they've always been so emotionally dependent upon. But my opinion is if you can help him understand the the changes going on in his brain, you can learn about this here on this website, and many others I'm sure, this might help soften the blow, for the moment. He needs you more than ever now.....you need to still stand on what you believe and need, but he needs your guidance and comfort now. Tricky ain't it?

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing, I believe.

I am praying for you and yours.

For all us.

[Miki]

What do you think he meant when he said he thinks this thing is going to destroy him? Does he mean giving up P is going to destroy him or this battle for recovery is going to destroy him? Or does he mean that he can't give it up and that will destroy him? It is hard to know at this point what is going through anyone's head. As you said, why was he telling you this? Is it real grief and remorse, or trying to get you off his back?

WONLM, he means that he can't give it up and he thinks it will destroy him. That much he told me. However, I don't know why he told me this. I'm not even sure if he knows why. Thanks for your thoughts and kind words.

[lightseeker]

Hi Miki,
Man your post almost brought me to tears, partly to the fact that you both seem to be having a real hard time at the moment and secondly because your post brought to the surface my own realisation. Everyday i feel like that, this addiction is going to destroy me, infact it is destroying me and for God knows why i do not know why it is so damn hard to fight it. I believe your husband said what he said because he is in soo much pain (not to neglect your feelings in this tho) but to say that he is crying out for your help and support, i believe he desperately wants to stop as do i, i dont understand why its so hard to escape this trap when we can see how much damage we are doing to ourselves and those around us.
Miki dont play the what if game, although i would advise to take caution in what you say to your husband and try to be supportive you cannot blame yourself for what you should have done or said, it is not your fault and every person is responsible for making their own choices, but as life goes we make mistakes sometimes hugh ones, its these mistakes that make us stronger and better people but we have to get through them first and we need support, people can do their best to help but each person can only do so much and the rest is up to us to find our own strength and courage. Nothing is impossible, we are capable of anything we put our minds to, deep down im sure your husband knows that, he knows it is not impossible, he wants out, he just dosent know how and is really struggling.

Also, i can say everyday and every struggle after relapse that goes passed i learn more and more about how this is affecting me and my everday life and its like it can take time to truley appreciate what this addiction is doing to us and the ones we love, maybe it has just hit him and he can see more clearly the effects that this problem is having on the both of you.

I wish and pray that you and your husband can get through this, i feel for you and i am so sorry to hear things are so bad.

Thank you for your understanding post,

take care - LS

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

miki-

What do you think will happen with your relatioship if he can't give it up?

I hope he can. I hope he chooses to give it up instead of destroying himself. I think it will be sad if he looks back on his life when he's old and the best times for him are the times he spent by himself with P.

Take care of yourself miki. I know this is a hard time of the year and its especially hard when the person you love seems bent on destroying themself. I admire your compassion.

[dave]

As a recovering PA (1 1/2 years) I can really relate to both of your delemas. You have received some excellent advice so far but perhaps just a few more comments.

When I was using I lived in a bubble. As was said, I only knew one way to cope emotionally. And the thought of living without P/MB was terrifying, as was the thought of contiuing to hurt the one who I loved so much.

This is why I needed to find a miracle - a path to restore me to sanity. When I first quit I was terrified there was no other way to live. Only through reading out to others who knew a path ( SAA) did I make progress. Only after SAA did the therapy help (and for me it was essential). I felt so bad about myself that I too was suicidal.

But I hung in for a stretch of 'quitting' until I was clear enough to see what 'recovery' might looked like.

I can understand some of the pain my SO felt, but at first I needed to get myself better. In my case the support of my wife was vital. Yes, boundaries were important, but some hope also kept me alive in the first stretch.

I still can't understand how I made it but it truly was a miracle.

Take care.

Dave

[Miki]

A miracle indeed. He used again yesterday, like he is not even phased. He's been to SA for months (his first shot at SA was 10 years before we even got together), has a sponsor, has a therapist, we've gone to couple's therapy- hell, I am a therapist. This is no professional opinion, he seems (like someone else said above) hell bent on total destruction.

Question to Dave - How do you feel your SO was vital to your situation? Codependency is an illness in its own right. In what ways were you able to work through each of your own issues while remaining in the relationship? I'd like to think that I have compassion, but I really don't have anything but a low self-esteem and a deep feeling of sickness.

Question to the universe - How can I learn to love without interfering with his consequences or recovery (especially since he is suicidal)?

"By this we mean caring for another person without intervening in his or her life. Disaster at work, financial chaos, arrests- whatever happens because of your partner's addictive behavior is your partner's problem and responsibility, not yours. As part of recovery, sexually compulsive or addicted partners must feel the full brunt of their powerlessness. Any effort to protect your partner diverts energy from your recovery. Extend support, but not help."

Easier said than done, Carnes, Delmonico, and Griffin. Easier said than done!

[mcp]

oh man. what a place to be. So lets look at this. Suicidal one day, then up and using the next? I thought perhaps the suicidal thoughts would be his rock bottom. I guess not. Perhaps some manipulation to get you to forgive. "oh, I can't push my demands on him, he is fragile". F that.

Question, if he is indeed suicidal, don't you have some sort of obligation to have him committed? Geez, that would be a rock bottom. Can you imagine, going to the mental hospital against your will for suicidal thoughts brought on my mourning p?

Miki, you can't save people from themselves.

[FoolishMind]

Miki, Ive been following this thread recently, but have purposely decided not to comment, as I would need to ask direct questions, Alas, I could not hold back any longer.

Echoing everyone here, I am truly sorry that you are in the situation that you are in, but you are not looking for pity, you are looking for answers and a clear route to a solution. I think MCP was going in the right direction of questionning here, which I would like to follow, but please do feel free to ignore this post, or simply advise me that you cannot answer such questions, and I will respect that completely.

Reading your posts, you come across as extremely fragile, and that may actually not be the case, and more a case of desperate to find answers. I say this, because my wife was a very confident women, until she realised I was a PA, and then she became a nervous wreck and always on edge. It was only during recovery i witnessed her confidence grow and realised her drop in confidence and overall disposition was due to me.

So from what i stated early you come across as fragile, and therefore potentially struggling to see things clearly and for what they really are.

Your husband, I would very much like to know if you consider him to a be a confident man? and what his general character is? What does he do for a living? The reason I ask this question, is to understand breifly what his character set is like, and is he generally a person who is considered a pessimist and one that is a loner, to actually state that he held a gun to his head. Would be keen to know this. As again, a common tactic of the PA when surrounded is to throw back with guilt.

Finally, you say he has attented SA therapy? Why?

Many will disagree, but I stand my ground on this, SA & PA are not completely the same. I am a PA, but I am not an SA. I wont patronise anyone and lecture about the differences, but for the sake of argument assume I am right, and can you advise me if he went to SA therapy because he has been having affairs? or casual s3x? if not and it is purely cheating of the mind through internet of DVD media, then an SA therapist would not have helped.

I will leave it as that, and again, please understand, I am not here to wind you up, or anger you further, but I want to help you and your situation, as quick as possible, by understanding everything, so that you are clear in what you need and what the right tools are to assist your husband in this.

My thoughts are with you

FM