Should I know everything about his p/a

[maggie]

Please help me with this question. Do I need to know ?

After uncovering the porn secret, he denied it over and over, and I had the photos and dates. Little by little I learn new things although he keeps changing his story as far as frequency and content.

I needed to find out why our friendship and relationship was falling apart for 3 years. Now, I need to know how "into it" he was, but he is still holding back.

Am I being unreasonable to want facts like:

How often ? What kind of porn were you looking at?

Did you feel guilty when you started a fight with me every night around 7 pm, so you could stomp off to your private room?

I could have checked your history, weren't you at all concerned?

Is this why you didn't want to go on vacation the last 2 summers and just wanted to stay home? ( he used in his private office )

We rented a cottage every summer for 20 years and we were both never ready to drive back home after staying near the ocean for a week. We always talked about renting for the month or someday buying a little cottage there. The last 2 summers, he didn't want to go anywhere. I was so confused. I thought he was depressed or sick.

I've asked him all of the above questions, he squirms and talks about other things and keeps saying " I got lost " " I'm sorry "

I know that I want to know,
but do I need to know the answers to these questions?

Any thoughts or opinions at all will be appreciated, since I will not talk to my friends or family about this for fear that they will label him. And if we reconcile, how will he feel in front of my friends and family, I've got to keep this a secret.

[Crisodian]

maggie,
In my opinion, you need to know whatever it is you need to know to help you heal. If the questions you posted are what you need him to answer, then be frank and give him the list.

What worked with me when I was struggling similarly with my H was to pose the question to him with the preface, "There is something I need an answer too. It doesn't have to be now, during this conversation, that way you will have time to collect your thoughts and answer honestly, but I need an answer during our next conversation..." or whatever timeline works for you both. And then ask your question. It gives your H time to collect himself and give you the response you deserve, not a canned response he may think you want to hear, or shut down and not answer at all. Does that make sense?

But back to the original question, do you need to know? If you feel you do in order to help yourself find a path to healing, then yes, you do. You need him to be completely, 100% honest with you. And if you feel you need it, 100% transparent.

Hope this helps,
~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

For me, I needed to know how much, where, when, for a few reasons. I just had to know. But also, I felt if he wasn't being honest with me, then he was still lying to himself. If he was still lying to himself, then he wasn't committed to change.

My husband is not open with his feelings. He's just not. That is part of his problem with P and his problem relating to me. I think he needs to be 100% honest in order for us to have any chance of healing. If I let him keep lying or holding back or blowing me off, then it is just the same old same old pattern. That pattern has not worked for us, so I need honesty, even if it hurts.

The other reason I need these answers, is because my husband just says he's sorry and he doesn't know. So, maybe he's sorry, but if he sugar coats this issue with himself, if he doesn't look inside, then he is still in denial. He could keep this thing as his secret life because he never looked deeply at it. He didn't admit to himself how damaging it was to me, our relationship, and ultimately to himself. I want him to think about this stuff, really think about it and deal with it. He's working on it.

I hope you get the answers you are looking for. Addicts lie. They lie to you and to themselves. They avoid the issue because its easier than dealing. Your husband sounds to me like he is still in denial. If he can't admit how bad the problem is, then I am not sure if he is ready to deal with it. That's just my opinion from my personal experience.

Good luck on your journey.

[artguy34]

I know that I want to know,
but do I need to know the answers to these questions?

Maggie,

As Crisodians husband, let me just say that she is correct in her post. However, what worked for us may not work for everybody. I do not know if you really want to know what your H was looking at or not. IMO... I think you need to know everything so you and your husband can start working on building the trust that was destroyed for you.

100% Transparency is how I think you will acheive this. This will help you learn to trust him again and for his sake, he can have the burden of lying lifted off his shoulders.

The last 2 summers, he didn't want to go anywhere. I was so confused. I thought he was depressed or sick.

Speaking as a PA, that is one of the side effects we go through and never realize while where involved. We never see just how bad we are physically and mentally. Im sure depression was evident during this time. Hopefully he will come to his senses and come clean?

One thing to warn you about though, if he does come clean and tell you everything, it can be a double edge sword. You may desire the truth, but it can hurt both of you at first, then he may feel a "Cleansing" of his own mental state and begin to heal. But it may put you further into a state of hurt and pain. However, if this happens, you will need to take the time and find healing for yourself. But in the process, this could repair the damage your relationship has suffered and help bring you both closer?

It is better to do this early on, then wait till later!

I hope this helps you?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I also forgot to say, that Crisodian's suggestion of giving your husband time to collect his thoughts is a really good one that I wish I had knows about sooner. I sort of just machine gun the questions and I know my husband doesn't respond well to that. So, if he doesn't know how to answer, I think he's jut avoiding or lying, but really, he is just trying to figure out what to say.

Maybe that will help you. Also, what artguy said about knowing everything is a double edged sword... very true. But, if I want to know, then my husband should tell me. I told him, the truth, even if it is like a knife to the chest, is better for me than the lies.

So again, good luck on your journey. I hope you get what you need to heal.

[maggie]

Wow Crisodian,
You must be very patient. I was so frantic, I felt like I was interrogating him, but I could see that he wasn't going to give me an answer. I asked him if he ever felt guilty after starting a fight with me, so he could stomp off upstairs look at the porn on his computer.
His answer was, " we fought about a lot of things, and I didn't stomp off every night"
His answer was 100% true, but he didn't answer my question.

This type of unsuccessful dialogue has gone on now for over 3 weeks. We are both exhausted. He just won't answer what I ask him, although he never refuses, he just throws out so much out there, I get side tracked.

When I ask, " When I tried to hug you and you'd gently push me away and act cold, did you know it was mean, did you wonder if it was because of the porn, or were you thinking of the nude pictures you looked at the night before ?"
He answered, " We weren't getting along that great the past few years"
or, " You're making a big deal out of this, I really didn't look at it that much "

I'd ask, " Well how much did you look "
At first he said " rarely ", then after I told him of the amount of porn and dates he opened it, he said , " maybe once every other month "
I responded, " But that doesn't make any sense, if you have been looking at that and keeping it a secret for 3 years, why would you take a risk like that for a " peek every other month ?"

I'm worn out, and he is too. He is sorry, but he just won't tell.

[Crisodian]

Patience is HARD. Seriously. But for us, it was worth it for me to show some restraint. Not firing at him with both barrels constantly and writing things down, lots and lots of things, got him to open up and our communication improved so much over time.

It is hard and it takes work. For you, to accept you have to give him time to think of how he wants to respond to you, and for him to open up and, once and for all, be honest and respond to your inquiry.

IMO, it sounds like he is still avoiding the topic. Maybe giving him a list of questions you would like him to answer, with a reasonable time line for him to provide those answers, may work for you both?

Every couple is different and what worked for us may not be successful for others.

Hope this helps,
~C~

[artguy34]

Maggie,

Based on your posts alone, I can tell that your H has not come to terms with this. For what ever reason, he is not accepting this as a serious problem. Sure he may be sorry, but until he comes clean and admits to everything, he is planting more seeds of "doubt" in your head.

You need to do whats best for you. Hopefully you can sit down with him and just ask him to tell you everything and get it over with. Tell him you would like to work things out, but he needs to stop giving you the BS answers. If he truly cares about your marriage, he will do more to rectify his behavior. If not, then it is up to you whether or not you wish to resolve this with him.

It takes two to make things work... you cant try to save your marriage on your own. He needs to step up now.

good luck!

[maggie]

ArtGuy,
Thank you for your time and honesty. I know in my heart that he is not telling me much of what he did, and sadly, I know that if I didn't discover his secret, he'd still be involved with p/m.

At this point, I know that I need to concentrate on me, because in addition to the pain and sleeplessness from this shocking betrayal of trust, I am still trying to overcome the arrogant and cold attitude he has had for 3 years.

I guess, in the long run, it is good that I found out, because now it all makes perfect sense, the coldness, the refusal to go on vacation, disappearing to his computer every night by 8pm and not even saying goodnite. I was baffled by his strange behavior.

He got very arrogant and began to make some rather inappropriate sxual comments to other females. I tried to laugh it off, but it was very disturbing because he had never talked that way before and was a considerate man, until 3 years ago.

Tonight I told him that I think he's keeping a lot of info from me, and that he needs to be totally honest for me to ever trust him again. He insists that he has told me everything; I know that's not true.

I just needed to hear this from someone that is not involved in my life amd someone who has been there and done that. NO BS

I tried telling him about the new posters here who asked how to deal with the images that flash in their minds. I explained the brain/chemical and rewiring aspects of porn and how the brain can flash these images to you, when you are trying to recover.
He looked me directly in the eye and said, " I never had any thoughts or images of the porn or women when I was doing it, or now. "

I began to argue, saying it is common and normal to have these images, and he needs to learn some coping strategies. He kept insisting he never had any of those mental flashes.

That can't be true. When he left the tv room to go to his private office, he must have been thinking about the porn, right ?? And when you think about something in your mind, you picture it right ?? Like if I'm thinking about ordering a pizza, I sort of see the pizza in my head, before I even dial the number.

Is it possible that it was all done, subconciously ??

That he left the tv room by 8 pm, went to his private office, shut the door and logged onto porn and he says he never even thought about it ?

You know what, I just answered my own question. He must consider me a fool.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

maggieliz-

It is pretty obvious that your husband is still in denial and doesn't really want to quit. I am sure he doesn't really think you are a fool, he must just tell himself you are that way he can keep his distance and not let go of his habit. My husband was the same.

As artguy said, if only one of you is working on healing your marriage, it won't work. I hope your husband gets it. It has to click for him that you are serious about him quitting and getting help. Until he wants to change, he won't. You know that already of course. I hope things get better for you.