Please explain how this addiction works

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I want someone to explain how this addiction works.

I caught him 3 years ago with porn. It was videos and pictures online. After the first time, I caught him a few days later. Lot’s of crying, on my part. On his, he’s like, well, now you know I like it, I thought you were cool with it. I explained to him, that never making love to me, and leaving me in bed while he goes to look at P and mb, makes me feel insecure and un loved. I told him I don’t like it, but I know some people do. I told him I don’t want him to do it, but if he wants to, then just don’t lie to me. Just tell me. OK, he says, but I don’t want to, I am sorry, I am done. So, every once in a while, I ask him about it and he assures me, he is done with it. OK, 1 year later, I catch him again. And this time, more of the story comes out. He’s doing it 2-3 times a week, but he’ll quit. He’s sorry. So, I tell him, don’t lie to me any more. If you need counseling or whatever, get it. I told him this is it, the last free pass. If he does it again, I am gone. He assured me he would quit. I asked him over the next 2 years, how’s it going? Do you miss it? He said when his dad died, it made him re-evaluate his priorities and he was sorry he ever hurt me, and he was done. So, I believed him. He threw his dead dad in there. I believed him.

So, now, 2 years after my ultimatum, I find the chatting and phone sx evidence. I never knew about this before. When I told him to quit the P, the videos and chats, I didn’t tell him to quit this because I didn’t know.
He says that he quit the videos and pictures 2 years ago when I told him to. He quit cold turkey. He went from 2-3 times a week, with me sitting in the SAME room like an ignorant fool, he quit that, cold turkey. 2 yrs clean.
He did not quit the chatting and phone sx though. He didn’t start it up, he just resumed the same thing he had been doing since we got married and I never knew. But, the chatting and phone sx, he only does when I am out of town. So, his addiction kicks in when I am gone, 2 to 3 times per year for a week or two at a time.

I don’t understand this selective addiction. If he has a compulsion, some chemical and physical dependency, why could he quit the P I knew about, cold turkey, and only do the chatting when I am out of town. If it is a compulsion, an addiction, why does it only kick in when I am gone. If the only trigger is my absence, how is it an addiction and not a lifestyle choice?

If you take alcohol from an alcoholic, they go and search for more. They take whatever they can get, Nyquil, mouthwash, cooking alcohol, anything. My mother was an alcoholic. I am well versed in addictions. If you take cigarettes from a smoker, they are still addicted. If a smoker or alcoholic only indulges in their “addiction” sometimes when the opportunity presents itself, then they aren’t addicts. They are casual users.

Please, anyone, my husband’s fellow PA’s, explain to me how you quit one thing cold turkey and never go back, but keep the worse thing and only do it when your SO is out of town? How is this an addiction? If I never went out of town again, or once every 2 years and he did it then, is that an addiction, or just a conscious choice?

If I could understand, maybe I wouldn’t think this is just a cop out. Please, anyone, explain to me why my husband’s addiction is so weird and selective? I need your help to understand. I am listening, with an open mind.

[Mefree]

Hmmmm... It sounds like you already know the answer to this one. Addictions aren't 'covenient'. They don't just show up twice a year when someone happens to leave the house. That's 'convenient'. Your husband simply remembered whatever he enjoyed about phone s3x and wanted to relive that when he was given the chance.
What you said abou the alcoholics and smokers is very true; they will search for more if they are truly addicted and need a fix. But if your husband honestly quit cold-turkey for two years, then he shouldn't be scrounging around for something to give him a fix anymore. He simply made the conscious decision to indulge himself in his former fantasies because he could.
All addicts remain addicted forever, but they don't act like they're only 5 days clean forever. Your husband all but beat his PA, he just liked to continue having phone s3x because he liked the rush it gave him.
If you feel it is detrimental to your relationship for him to chat and have phone s3x, then it is his responsibility to stop just like he stopped using P.

[Vorlan]

Hey WifeofNewLifeMan,

I hope this isn't going to sound overly harsh but from what you've said I don't believe your husband ever really defeated his PA.

As you said addictions are not convenient, nor is it possible to "go cold turkey" on a specific section of addictive material and to continue with somethinge at least equally damaging without continuing the mindset of an addict. That would be like an alcoholic "going cold turkey" on Whisky but still drinking vodka to excess. It doesn't stack up.

It sounds to me that either your husband hasn't beaten the picture/video P and is still hiding it, (you know your husband, I don't so you decide if this is possible) or he has simply traded one addictive pattern for another. Just like the alcoholic who has swapped his drink he hasn't dealt with the real issues he's just changed the nature of his addiction.

I've been a PA for many years and I've been "cold turkey" now for well over a year. During that year at least I had to avoid anything even vaguely resembling P use from browsing social networking sites to looking at girls in the street in a sxual mindset. I can't believe that someone can truly go "cold turkey" if they are still using phone sx and chatting. As far as I'm concerned they are part and parcel of the same problem.

I hope this wasn't rude or too blunt. You know your husband best, this is just my analysis from a former PA's perspective.

I wish you both the best,

Ben

[gnein]

I want someone to explain how this addiction works.

I caught him 3 years ago with porn. It was videos and pictures online. After the first time, I caught him a few days later. Lot’s of crying, on my part. On his, he’s like, well, now you know I like it, I thought you were cool with it. I explained to him, that never making love to me, and leaving me in bed while he goes to look at P and mb, makes me feel insecure and un loved. I told him I don’t like it, but I know some people do. I told him I don’t want him to do it, but if he wants to, then just don’t lie to me. Just tell me. OK, he says, but I don’t want to, I am sorry, I am done. So, every once in a while, I ask him about it and he assures me, he is done with it. OK, 1 year later, I catch him again. And this time, more of the story comes out. He’s doing it 2-3 times a week, but he’ll quit. He’s sorry. So, I tell him, don’t lie to me any more. If you need counseling or whatever, get it. I told him this is it, the last free pass. If he does it again, I am gone. He assured me he would quit. I asked him over the next 2 years, how’s it going? Do you miss it? He said when his dad died, it made him re-evaluate his priorities and he was sorry he ever hurt me, and he was done. So, I believed him. He threw his dead dad in there. I believed him.

So, now, 2 years after my ultimatum, I find the chatting and phone sx evidence. I never knew about this before. When I told him to quit the P, the videos and chats, I didn’t tell him to quit this because I didn’t know.
He says that he quit the videos and pictures 2 years ago when I told him to. He quit cold turkey. He went from 2-3 times a week, with me sitting in the SAME room like an ignorant fool, he quit that, cold turkey. 2 yrs clean.
He did not quit the chatting and phone sx though. He didn’t start it up, he just resumed the same thing he had been doing since we got married and I never knew. But, the chatting and phone sx, he only does when I am out of town. So, his addiction kicks in when I am gone, 2 to 3 times per year for a week or two at a time.

Yep, I know this situation well, I've been there. It's "easy" to quit pictures and videos when you have something else to replace them. As Vorlan said, he never really quit, he just found some other way to fulfil the urges he had. A little bit like a drug addict claiming to have quit using Cocaine, but only by using Speed instead. The underlying addiction is still there. In short, quiting pictures and videos by using something else instead just doesn't work. I know, I've tried it.

It's also possible that he never even quit using the pictures and videos successfully, but simply got better at covering his tracks. I don't claim to know this for sure, but it's certainly possible.

[lightseeker]

Hi WONLM,

As i have only started battling this addiction recently and truley realised and registered within myself that i am an addict, i also understand your confusion, i myself am trying to understand why and how porn effects us in these ways, what Vorlan and Gnein said about the phone sex as a replacement for the porn sounds about right, i have never done anything outside of serious porn use, like cyber sex, phone sex or prostitutes so dont have experiences of these aspects, but they are all sex related fantasies and i would agree that they are all linked. I think the reasons why you keep going through the stages of your husband quitting and you catching him again in relapse is down to the fact that he never really quit in the first place, by him telling you he had quit for good each time and you both going on with your normal lives then it was never dealt with , it just got pushed under the carpet to reappear another day.
Your husband needs to stop hiding and be completely honest with you, you both need to lay everything on the table and talk, i believe this is a must if you want to be succesful.
For me i feel i need to understand what is the underlying cause for my turning to porn, and for me to understand what that is i need to seek counselling to understand any deep rooted issues going on in my subconsious. I apologise i have not read all your posts and cant remember if i said this before but i would strongly advise counselling for your husband or maybe even joint counselling, like i said i am new to fighting this addiction and i dont even understand it myself. You need to understand what is driving your husband to seek out these sexual avenues, maybe personal problems, relationship problems or whatever, once you know what that is then you have a good foundation to work from. Anyways thats the way i see it from my current point of view.

-Take care-

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Thanks for all the answers on this post.

My husband only just now admitted he has a problem and he is going to counselling and taking steps to get things under control. His going to chat rooms over the years has not been relapses or him failing in his attempt to quit. He just now in this month decided he wants to quit.

I guess my major concern here is that if he can control his urges, his impulses, all the time, except for a few times a year when I am out of town, I don't think that is an addiction. Its just something he likes to do, so he does it. I am sure he would like to do it when I am in town too, but he doesn't because he is more likely to get caught.

I just don't understand how this is something he can't control, an addiction, if he does such a remarkeable job 320 days out of the year of controlling himself. I thought that if anyone else's addiction works this way, they could explain how it works. I am just so confused.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses. Thank you.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

OK, I now have the answer.

He does it all the time. He finally told me. He said he told me he does it only when he I am out of town because he was trying to protect me and didn't want to hurt me more.

I was going crazy, because either he was lying about the frequency, or he was lying about the addiction. Now I have the answer.

I believe now its an addiction. I am glad my husband told me the truth, or at least more of it.

So, anyway, I have my answer. I appreciate all the responses on here. It turns out, my husband had the answer I needed all along. Maybe now, we can move along to healing.

[lightseeker]

Im glad to hear you finally got what you were looking for, it must be hard on the so's not knowing what is true and what isnt, i had suspected this after reading your posts, hopefully now you both will be able to open up more and help each other work through this. I believe most PA's are embarresed about the habbit and try to hide it because they want to protect you and not hurt you, naturaly also scared at the prospect of our partners leaving us hence we try to conceal it and deal with it ourselves.The fact is though if you are married your partner will find out eventually or the pain of not knowing will be just as bad and will cause many problems in itself. The only way to deal with it is with the support of your partner, hiding it will only acheive problems further down the line, as people we do make our own choices and we do have to take responsibility for our actions, but there is also a reason behind every action and working out what this is is an important factor.

[buckeye87]

I'm not married and haven't been previously, but I know a couple of things. Here's something sad, but true. A lot of PAs want nothing more than a strong, fulfilling relationship with someone they truly love. I say nothing more in the sense of a deep, lasting desire, a desire of your heart. You could say that we want P more, but inside there's a constant fight between the part of us that desperately wants to be free and the part of us that loves to feed the addiction. Only part of us wants P, but the need for a true and lasting relationship is one that we need with our whole soul.
When we hurt someone because of our actions, the callous responses some SOs sometimes hear are the result of a tortured conscience. Do we really think it's anyone's problem but our own? If we're honest with ourselves, no. But that part of us that has always wanted out from under this addiction won't give us peace as long as we indulge, and it's so much easier to justify or blame it on something else. Anything to avoid the torture of facing your conscience.
I guess what I'm trying to say to all SOs out there is that many of your loved ones want nothing more than to be a husband and father worthy of your trust and love. They want nothing more than the joy that comes from sharing true, pure love with someone else. It's just that when they see you, they still love you more than anything else, but they've become a slave. If they compare you to other women they've seen, they wish they didn't. If they disrespect you and blame you, they wish they didn't. Sometimes when they see you, the love they have for you brings back their guilt stronger than ever. That's why it's so hard to face an SO. We don't really want to hide anything, but we do because we're scared of losing what's truly important.
That doesn't make it right, but I hope it helps to know that there is a lot more regret and love on the part of your PA than you know.
David

[fishingbackwards]

buckeye, thank you. I had that sense , I knew the responses I got from my pa made no sense, always seemed hypocritical or even delusional. I had the feeling he was so terribly conflicted and in some twisted way was attempting to shield me from his pain. It still does not justify what he does. He knows what pain he causes but he will not take responsibility for his actions. He still puts the blame on me for not being what he needed (at the same time that he bemoans that he cannot be what I want and when I ask him what that is he cannot or will not answer)
My heart still hurts for his pain. He asked me if he could have his wedding ring back and when I asked him why he wanted it he answered that it was the most precious thing anyone had ever given him. Okay, it could be bs, but we are splitting up and at this point he should be able to figure out that those words will not change a thing as I would not even let him in the house, but he said them anyway. I do believe there is a part of him that would want nothing more than to be in a sacred, loving relationship but he refuses to look at and find a way to separate himself from that ugliness because it means he would have to admit he was wrong or mistaken and he would have to take the risk involved in a real relationship instead of a fantasy one.