has anyone really ever quit?

[regrets]

Hi,

After reading so many posts I really applaud both the PA's & SO's that have struggled through this I know how much courage it takes.
I also note so many highs & lows & relapses...
SO my questions are...has anyone ever really quit? Or is this like living with a timebomb? Is an addict always an addict?

Can there ever be complete trust or will the PA need to be policed by the SO for the rest of their marriage?
Are there any PA's out there who have stuck to their first original promise to quit (after the final ultimatum) & never relapsed?

[Crisodian]

I'll be interested to hear PA's thoughts on this. I have my own opinion on addiction and addicts, but I am really curious to hear others. Thank you for asking this question.

~C~

[Mefree]

UGH!- you just addressed one of my biggest fears. The PA's on this site work so hard for so long to beat the addiction, but what if, however many years down the line, we just go on a P binge all over again? NOOOOOOOO....
I try not to think about it and focus on my problems at hand, but the thought is there...

Still, my opinion thus far is this:
In order to TRULY beat pornography, to TRULY STOP, you can't just become un-addicted.
You have to change yourself as a person- your characters, your morals, and not just realize how bad it is to look at P, but actually Not Want To Look At It. Sure, everyone here doesn't "want" to look at P, but deep down, if we could watch porn with no ramifications whatsoever to anyone, you bet we'd do it. That is the thought that has to change if you want to have a life free of P. You have to honestly be against the very joy you derive from it, and not just the consequences brought about by said joy. You have to fight in the war against porn, not just avoid being part of its ranks.

IMO anyway. Hope this gave you a little inside into a PA's mind on this.

[regrets]

You have to honestly be against the very joy you derive from it, and not just the consequences brought about by said joy.

Thankyou Mefree....What an interesting way to put it.
So to really try & overcome this to just worry about the consequences isn't enough...it's the actual battle about the way the PA views it....

So I guess the final ultimatum on it's own isn't really enough? Fear of the consequences will only last just so long... I guess it really is a personal battle that only the PA's can fight no matter what the SO's do & whether we stay or go. Without conviction by the PA it seems it won't happen.

[Little lock]

Hmm I agree with what Mefree has said. I can't comment much on the issue myself, but to elaborate on what Mefree has said, its not enough to just stay away from P. Its important to change and work on who we are as well.

There are many members here who have gone for amazing periods of time without P, and in some cases, MB as well. Vorlan is one example. So is Daniel, Foolishmind, Farmer, Rowlf. Yet I think that an important key to their sucess has been that they have always been working on who they are as well. Their journals are not just journals reflecting their struggle against P alone, it reflects a struggle within themselves to realign themselves with other core values.

Now obviously I'm not their spokesperson or anything, but I have known them for quite some time and this is basically what I've inferred from reading their posts and journals.

As for myself, there was a period of time when I thought myself truly free from P. I had gotten rid of the consequences, which is basically viewing P and Mbing. But, and here's the important thing, when I could have broken free for good by slowly changing my own viewpoints, I didn't. I got complacent. And soon enough I ended up right back into addiction hell.

Well, that was sort of a ramble, but I hoped it helps:)

[hast]

For me, I now finally know that this will be a struggle for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean that I haven't gone years at a time without it, and it doesn't mean that I can't be trusted.
It doesn't mean that I think about it constantly, or am tempted by every risque commercial or whatever.

What that means is simply that I have to be prepared for temptation to arrive...for the rest of my life. Once I've gotten past a couple weeks without the stuff, I only relapse when I am caught off guard and don't find a way to talk myself out of it, in time. You just have to be prepared.

You have to remember, though, that it doesn't mean they're always thinking about it. I ONLY think about it when I'm viewing or the couple seconds between a trigger going off and me stopping myself. Then it's forgotten to me. That's actually partially why I joined this site. Because while not thinking about it is nice, it's dangerous. Coming here every once in a while keeps me on my gaurd.

[cyberpunk]

I posted something about this at Success stories. I think this is a question that a lot of people ask themselves and I think it would be really nice for someone who has a long period of sobriety to share their story with us.

The answer is yes there are people who stay sober for a long time even their whole lives. However, you are always an addict and so you must always be on guard and watch yourself and if you find yourself starting to slip backwards then you need to redouble your efforts. Basically we need to keep moving forward or we will fall backward.

[Crisodian]

Thank you all for sharing. I'll share my opinion about addiction (in general) now because it is in line with what everyone else has been sharing.

IMO, an addict is always an addict. I am a non-P addict. I have been in recovery for 15 years this year. That being said, I will ALWAYS be an addict. This year when I discovered AG's PA, I almost relapsed. After 15 years. I came within about 5 minutes of making a VERY bad decision for myself to go right back down the path of escapism I used to use to justify where I once was. I kicked myself in the a$$ and didn't go there. But damn. :( I figured by now I could fight that demon with minimal effort and it snuck up and smacked me upside the head.

So regrets, to quote something you shared:

I guess it really is a personal battle that only the PA's can fight no matter what the SO's do & whether we stay or go. Without conviction by the PA it seems it won't happen.

IMO, you are correct. Addicts, PA or non-PA, must fight the fight on their own. But that does not mean they can do it without support. The battle against addiction is even harder without support from loved ones, friends, support groups, counselors and whatever else an addict needs in their arsenal to fight on. Addicts fighting on their own have a much harder time, and IMO, more often relapse because the accountability is not there. It's that old "if I don't have to answer for my actions or be accountable to anyone, why bother?" That is why again, IMO, it is so important for an addict to surround themselves with support.

I wish I could say it is easier being a SO of an addict than being an addict myself. It's not. I now understand a whole lot more about what I put people around me through during the worst of my addiction, now finding myself on the "other" side as an SO of a PA.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[mcp]

I was really wondering that very same thing, Does anyone really ever change? Fundamentally change? Sure, change behaviors, short term, long term, ultimatiums given, but real change, wow. My experience is that a drunk when sober is still a dry drunk. All the behaviors and charactoristics minus the booze.

My Lord, that is scary when I think of my bf being a pa. I guess they can desire to be free and to be amung the living, but is that fire still burning? The fire they have become so good at hiding. The fire we as the significant other try to ignore, exstinguish, or just stomp out. Is he just going to deny himself to make me want to stay? That doesn't feel right to me. I wanted him to only want me and not need the P. But, what if he is miserable without the P. So complicated!

[IrishTrish]

mcp, it is almost as if you had ripped your post out of my thoughts!! I am on the same page as you. I too feel like if they always carry a flame for P, are we wrong to try to change them? Growning up I was always tought you can never change someone you have to love them for who they are. So are we wrong?? Or are they as PAs doing something that is not really them?? I am so lost with this, but I guess I'm here for answers...Please any PAs out there give me/us your thoughts. Blessings to all. ~Trish