How can a SO help there partner through PA?

[Kaysa]

What ways are helpful, and which are not?

Did you hold any resentments on your partner?

[Pandora's Hope]

Hey, miss kay-
Yes, yes, yes. Resentment is my big "demon" in our fight against this addiction! The only cure for it that I know is TIME- and keeping your focus on improving you and letting him deal with his addiction on his own. Wow, that sounds like such a pat answer- but i really do think the resentment takes care of itself as the trust is regained- but that's it's a process you can't hurry.

As to how to help? Umm.... turning him on to this site is a biggie. And coming here yourself. And refusing to be his mamma. I"ve read your journal- Girl, we sound an awful lot alike in so many ways. You've got every right to expect him to man up, and it sounds like you guys are working on it. My hubby and I are at 32 days sober, so we're only a little bit ahead of you- but it took me moving into our guestroom the day I caught him using the last time to wake him up to the severity of the problem and the condition of our marriage, and start to take his addiction seriously. (And I'm back in our bedroom again- but he got the message as to how close I was to ditching the marriage)

I had to get to the point where I wasn't really caring what he did about it as much as I cared about having my own quality of life. And judging from your journal, you're there.

THe other really important thing is to keep focusing on what is now and also looking forward- don't look back, because, as Terawave has said in other posts, when you look back, you become hurt and angry all over again. We can't change the past. We have to make ourselves stop looking at it- and yep, that's really hard.

So my best advice is keep coming here- to vent, to cry on shoulders when you need to, to get reminded that you can only move forward. And to get reminded over and over that you're not alone- neither one of you. As Dave42 says, "it's an addiction. It's an addiction. It's an addiction". You aren't a bad person, and neither is he. Come here to rest where there's no shame for either of you- where you can be normal, your feelings are normal, and where there are lots of people who care about you both and want to see you both succeed!

oh, and if it makes you feel better- his laptop has spent time in my desk at work, too. You're not crazy. The best software I've found is Content Barrier- because it logs every site that's accessed but you don't have to block any sites- it's not a mommy, it's an accountability method. My husband, who's also a member of this forum, likes it as well, because he knows I can look if I want to, and that the software won't let him lie about it- but that he's treated like a grownup- no restrictions on sites. He's on the honor system- but I get the comfort and he gets the accountability factor that I can look if I want to.

Best of luck, sweetie- I hope the pregnancy is going better for you. I've got three of my own (plus two of his). Pregnancy is in some ways awesome, but in some other ways it sucks. Hang in there honey. Oh, and when junior arrives- don't let the lack of sleep grind you down on this issue. YOu'll be more vulnerable when you're exhausted- so ditch the housework and sleep when the baby sleeps- and don't be afraid to ask his daddy to pitch in to help you get enough rest so you can stay human. :)

[Pandora's Hope]

One more suggestion: Statler says it's helpful for the addict's recovery if you let him know you notice how well he's doing- praise the victories- because it helps soften the blow of some of the emotional storms that sometimes fly from us- and also validates that you see him making effort to accomplish something that's requires effort.

[Loving_FGL]

Something that has worked for me but is hard to do is being patient. Sometimes you have to let your SO mess up. The thing is the SO has to realize it's their problem to fix and they have to want to fix it. You can't do it for them as much as you might like too. So yeah big one for me has been being patient with my SO while he tries to stop.

[ConfusedKate]

Kaysa,

Yes resentments run high for me. It's hard to forgive when it has happened so many times and each time it is "I am sorry, I won't ever do it again." but then BAM there it goes and shows it's ulgy face again. We had a 2 year frame where nothing happened and he got a job where he is the only one in the shop and has time on his hands. Now we are back to square one and this time I am not sure it can be fixed again. It is hard not to be his "momma" and there is always the feeling that he is doing this again. Trust will not come easy this time if it does at all for me anyway. I suggest a key logger that you can set up to receive the reports right to your inbox. It logs every keystroke made on the computer but does not include sites that have been searched for. Accountability is a big thing for me as well as self responsibility. I always told my kids while they were growing up that it's like throwing a pebble in a lake, the rings that come off it affect many things and sometimes it's the things below the surface that take the big impact. Don't know if this helps but your feelings of resentment are there in other SO's...