Sexless Relationship

[ilieken]

I'm in a relationship with a PA who has trouble staying hard for sex. We have not been successful. He has been running for about four months and this has helped him greatly with his recovery. He is getting stronger erections does anyone have any suggestions? It seems like sometimes he is harder than others, I do not understand this.

[little_wife]

For us it was time away from the P & M, and then more and more time just waiting it out. He also uses Viagra sometimes, but doesn't depend on it constantly.

Has your husband seen a physician? Just because he was a PA doesn't mean he doesn't have real medical issues. He should go for a complete physical.
Once medical reason's are ruled out maybe in addition to quiting P, he also needs therapy? And has he really, truly quit P? ---I'm not asking to undermine your trust for him, but with addictions this is a possibility.
good luck to you
little_wife

[ilieken]

He is my BF and we do not live together. He is healthy and no medical problems.
Oh I know and ofcourse I believe in him and can certianly see changes in him. Time will tell and I have suggested Viagra or something like that.

[Miki]

I have the same issue. My PA says he's been that way as long as he can remember with an even bigger issue of not being able to climax without MB, ever. The longest that my PA has been P-free has been 30 days. That seemed to make an improvement, but the same issues were still there. He hasn't been able to replicate 30 days since last December.

Right now, our s3x life is dead, deceased, R.I.P...

Before, he claimed he was able to have a good s3x life with someone. Now that he is really working a program and facing some facts, he realizes that his s3x life had been all mixed up with P. He has been hit really hard by the extent to which he objectified others he was in relationships with (this after completing his first step in SA).

Now that he wants true intimacy (at least what he claims), he says he feels frustrated because he has no idea what healthy s3xuality is and gets too anxious even thinking about it.

We are both discouraged and afraid of a potential life without s3x (actually he says he is terrified of a life without P, which is very hard for me to hear). What I am trying to remember is that s3x is not the only sign of love. That is very significant for me and my codependency issues.

I find myself retreating into unhelpful thinking that I don't want just a roommate or friend, but rather a lover and life partner. Honestly, though, I'm not even sure if I know what true intimacy looks like and whether or not it requires anything specifically physical.

Right now we are just concentrating on healthy touch and attentiveness. The codependent in me secretly hopes that this will keep him from slipping up. But my logical self knows that it is going to take him looking at much deeper issues and doing a lot of hard work on his own before he will feel confident in knowing what healthy s3x is for him. We just moved and he found an old children's book in which he found some of his writing about how shameful he felt about s3x (very sad, he was only 7). This really shocked us into seeing that that his issues are much deeper and existed much earlier than his adult relationships.

Until things get better, we plan to just keep talking about it.

[Crisodian]

Miki,
My heart goes out to you. It's very hard working on intimacy issues after PA for various reasons. It sounds like your PA has some deep rooted ones that he needs to address himself, which doesn't help you any in your own recovery.

Communication is good. By no means is it a replacement for healthy intimacy, but I hope you both find a path to peace while working on this together.

~C~

[artguy34]

Ok, I have to be open and honest here, even though this will be hard for me...

For me personally, I have found out recently that my addiction to P and MB have had a negative effect on my s3x life. (obviously) However what I have come to learn is that the habitual MB I was doing physically desensitized my intimate area to where it was more difficult for me to truly feel the sensations of intercourse. With that being said, the physicalness of MB took precedence over the healthy intimacy I would have received with my partner.

We're talking close to thirty years of MB here! This was resulting in some of the same problems some of you have seen in your PA's: erection issues and the non-ability to climax within a reasonable time. The de-sensitization I experienced was due to MB. Since I have been clean for almost 55 days now, I have regained the lost sensations I have been missing for probably most of my sexual history. Dare I say that I am almost experiencing intimacy in a new way. Actually, I am. So for the physical aspect, being clean from P and MB has helped me gain something I never knew existed. And I can share this new side of intimacy with my wife now.

On the mental side of intimacy, my wife and I both read this excerpt in a book I use religiously called "The Porn Trap" which shows the difference in P-s3x vs. Healthy s3x. I hope this helps some of your PA's find the difference for themselves.

"The following chart highlights key differences between the sexual attitudes and behaviors P promotes and those that exist in healthy s3xual intimacy. Pay attention to any concepts that surprise you or that you would like to better understand and address.

P-related S3x -vs- Healthy-related S3x

p-s3x is using someone -vs-
h-s3x is caring for someone

p-s3x is "doing to" someone -vs-
h-s3x is sharing with a partner

p-s3x is a performance -vs-
h-s3x is a private experience

p-s3x is compulsive -vs-
h-s3x is a natural drive

p-s3x is a public commodity -vs-
h-s3x is a personal treasure

p-s3x is watching others -vs-
h-s3x is about genuine connection

p-s3x is separate from love -vs-
h-s3x is an expression of love

p-s3x can be hurtful -vs-
h-s3x is nurturing

p-s3x is emotionally distant -vs-
h-s3x is emotionally close

p-s3x can happen anytime -vs-
h-s3x requires certain conditions

p-s3x is unsafe -vs-
h-s3x is safe

p-s3x can be degrading -vs-
h-s3x is always respectful

p-s3x can be irresponsible -vs-
h-s3x is approached responsibly

p-s3x is devoid of morality -vs-
h-s3x requires morals and values

p-s3x lacks healthy communication -vs-
h-s3x requires healthy communication

p-s3x involves deception -vs-
h-s3x requires honesty

p-s3x is based on visual imagery -vs-
h-s3x involves all the senses

p-s3x has no ethical limits -vs-
h-s3x has ethical boundaries

p-s3x requires a double life -vs-
h-s3x enhances who you really are

p-s3x compromises your values -vs-
h-s3x reflects your values

p-s3x feels shameful -vs-
h-s3x enhances self-esteem

p-s3x is impulsive gratification -vs-
h-s3x is lasting satisfaction"

-copied from pg. 182 from "The Porn Trap"
by Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST

[ilieken]

I have the same issue. My PA says he's been that way as long as he can remember with an even bigger issue of not being able to climax without MB, ever. The longest that my PA has been P-free has been 30 days. That seemed to make an improvement, but the same issues were still there. He hasn't been able to replicate 30 days since last December.

Right now, our s3x life is dead, deceased, R.I.P...

Before, he claimed he was able to have a good s3x life with someone. Now that he is really working a program and facing some facts, he realizes that his s3x life had been all mixed up with P. He has been hit really hard by the extent to which he objectified others he was in relationships with (this after completing his first step in SA).

Now that he wants true intimacy (at least what he claims), he says he feels frustrated because he has no idea what healthy s3xuality is and gets too anxious even thinking about it.

We are both discouraged and afraid of a potential life without s3x (actually he says he is terrified of a life without P, which is very hard for me to hear). What I am trying to remember is that s3x is not the only sign of love. That is very significant for me and my codependency issues.

I find myself retreating into unhelpful thinking that I don't want just a roommate or friend, but rather a lover and life partner. Honestly, though, I'm not even sure if I know what true intimacy looks like and whether or not it requires anything specifically physical.

Right now we are just concentrating on healthy touch and attentiveness. The codependent in me secretly hopes that this will keep him from slipping up. But my logical self knows that it is going to take him looking at much deeper issues and doing a lot of hard work on his own before he will feel confident in knowing what healthy s3x is for him. We just moved and he found an old children's book in which he found some of his writing about how shameful he felt about s3x (very sad, he was only 7). This really shocked us into seeing that that his issues are much deeper and existed much earlier than his adult relationships.

Until things get better, we plan to just keep talking about it.

Hey Miki,

I feel for you and I know how frustrating it is. First thing I want to say is that you really need to work on yourself during this process. Me and my boyfriend talk about things a lot too and it does help. I keep asking myslef why am I allowing this type of treatment? WHy am I ok with a sexless relationship? No I'm not ok with it but I'm in it. I know I love him and that is one reason. We both have found out through talking that we both have re-occurring feelings that come up in a relationship. One of mine is that I'm not worth it. I know I'm worth it however that feeling exist. I found out that through revisiting some childhood stuff that happened and doing some exercises with that it helped lift the pain a little. YOu need to understand that both of you need help and can work it out together with and intense, focused plan. Does he have anything to replace the porn and masterbation with. (like some kind of hobby or exercise) DO you have anyting positive you can add to your life. You can not take away something and not replace it with something good.
I know how hard and painful this is. I'm here if you want to talk.

[ilieken]

Ok, I have to be open and honest here, even though this will be hard for me...

For me personally, I have found out recently that my addiction to P and MB have had a negative effect on my s3x life. (obviously) However what I have come to learn is that the habitual MB I was doing physically desensitized my intimate area to where it was more difficult for me to truly feel the sensations of intercourse. With that being said, the physicalness of MB took precedence over the healthy intimacy I would have received with my partner.

We're talking close to thirty years of MB here! This was resulting in some of the same problems some of you have seen in your PA's: erection issues and the non-ability to climax within a reasonable time. The de-sensitization I experienced was due to MB. Since I have been clean for almost 55 days now, I have regained the lost sensations I have been missing for probably most of my sexual history. Dare I say that I am almost experiencing intimacy in a new way. Actually, I am. So for the physical aspect, being clean from P and MB has helped me gain something I never knew existed. And I can share this new side of intimacy with my wife now.

On the mental side of intimacy, my wife and I both read this excerpt in a book I use religiously called "The Porn Trap" which shows the difference in P-s3x vs. Healthy s3x. I hope this helps some of your PA's find the difference for themselves.

Thank you so much for sharing. I believe it is important and may even help someone.

[Miki]

Thank you artguy for your hopeful message. I need to look over the fence sometimes to get some perspective and work on my empathy. I think it is great that you are receiving the gifts from your hard work.

And thank you, Ilieken and Crisodian, I enjoy your posts and appreciate your concern. Communication is the key ingredient, but boy does it take work!

As for something to replace P? I think it has more to do with power and control for him (or his perception of the lack there of) than filling his time. He is a mountaineer, extreme skier, and rock climber; he has a successful career and a lot of friends. In fact, the reason he got to 30 days last December was because he was climbing Aconcogua- and therefore away from access to P. He goes to SA and I have been going to S-Anon. I also am working with a therapist on some of my own issues, taking classical guitar lessons, working harder at my profession, running and getting outdoors with friends, eating right, etc. No matter how hard I work on myself, though, it doesn't change ever deteriorating s3x life or his addiction. I did my own 1st step and came up with 40 ways that I am powerless over his choices and his addiction. But I guess the message is that though there are 40 ways I am powerless over his PA, there are thousands of ways I can be empowered in my own life.

But damn it all if we can't think, or activity, ourselves out of this predicament!

I have to say...most of the time I feel that I'm working towards the inevitable- steeling myself for the end of the relationship.
I wish I could see 60 days into his sobriety and see light at the end of the tunnel. I think of the saying "we always get what we ask for, unfortunately its often our unconscious that is doing the asking" and right now I am asking for things out of fear.

I can work on myself or not and it won't make a difference for him- so I guess the better of the two is to work on myself because first and foremost I should be having a positive relationship with myself before I can have a positive relationship with anyone else.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Miki-

You said,
"I can work on myself or not and it won't make a difference for him- so I guess the better of the two is to work on myself because first and foremost I should be having a positive relationship with myself before I can have a positive relationship with anyone else"

That is so true. Its part of realizing this is HIS problem and not yours. You can do everything right and if he still wants something else, what you do won't make a difference. Its hard to accept. I think women like to take the weight of everything on our shoulders and blame ourselves. I do anyway.

Continue to work on yourself and I will too. Thanks for your insight and I hope things get better for you.