Reassurance

[Charly22]

I am struggling with insecurity. And hoping for reassurance. I can see the change within my husb. I hear him say things I thought I'd never hear him say. I see him become more and more clear headed and ready for life. He has not looked at P for over one month. I am tryin so hard to let it be his pattern, his motivation, not mine.

Yet, sometimes, out of the blue, my insecurity rushes in, takes over my thinking, and I feel like I need him to reassure me. This in turn causes his confidence to crash. I need reassurance, he needs me to believe in him. Two worlds collide. Its like the chicken and egg thing. How can I get the reassurance I need, if me making him aware of my insecurities destroys the fact that he is leaning on my faith and belief in him.

How do the PA's here deal with their partners needing to be reassured? Does it bother you that you have to constantly reassure them? Assuming you've done the right thing...and have been clean....how does it make you feel when your partner is still insecure? Do you feel it is more important to reassure your partner...or to ask your partner to believe in you and have faith in you? I need some inspiration here......

[gnein]

I don't know if I'm the one who should be answering here, but I think it's basically a matter of trust, and trying to trust your partner to do the right thing. If you've seen the change in him, that tells you that he's making progress. Try to focus on the positives. I know that in my own fight against P, I need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, that staying clean is going to benefit my life -- no matter how much the cravings hurt me now. That's why I come to this site.

If you're hearing your husband say things to you that he hasn't said since before P was a problem, and if you can see the change in him, it means that he's not only making progress, but he still loves you. He's pushed through the cravings to repair his relationship with you, which means that the support you've provided has been helping him. One hand washes the other. It might take some time to complete the journey, but every day he stays clean is another step.

[RisingSon]

Hi Charly.

Having been in your husband's position many many times I can empathize with both him and yourself.

As an addict it is very very easy to become dependent on the validation of others to be able to do well, and in my personal experience this is a recipe for disaster.

I've only been able to make real, worthwhile improvements for myself (and in turn, my family) by taking full accountability for my own actions. Sometimes my wife feels like she can't trust me or that I don't find her attractive, and in the past I've used her reaction as a way to justify using P (because I felt desperate, helpless and sorry for myself, wishing I'd never created the situation, etc).

This way of thinking was obviously a disastrous mistake and it always made the situation worse. Since I've learned not to let my wife's insecurities (which I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that I created) affect my dedication to improving my own predicament, I've found that I've gained more clarity and am able to give her feelings far more consideration than I did before and be a better, more understanding husband (I hope).

I think your husband would feel a lot less like he's being attacked if he could get to a point where he is in control of his actions regardless of how anyone else feels. This is what works for me. Validation needs to come from within.

Yes, it feels good to have people's support and belief in you, but it's not something you should be dependent on in order to fight an addiction. You should be dependent on yourself.

Unfortunately, addiction creates extremely self-obsessed people and I'm very sorry that your husband hasn't reached a point where he can take responsibility for what his actions have done to you and help you as much as you've helped him. I can understand how hard it is for him, because whenever I think about what my actions have done to my wife and the way she views herself, it's extremely hard to do anything but hate myself, but I'm determined to repair everything I've broken over time.

I hope this is useful to you.

[Loving_FGL]

Here is a thought...Do you think that maybe you could just find someone else who knows the situation that you guys are in and knows both of you well that you could confinde in during a moment when you need reassurance? Instead of getting it from your husband, do you think you could talk to a friend of the family who maybe knows of the situation and can reassure you if your husband feels dismayed by the fact that you need reassurance. Does that sound like a good idea to others?

[Charly22]

Thank you RisingSon, Everything you are saying is mirrored in things my husband says to me too:

"I think your husband would feel a lot less like he's being attacked if he could get to a point where he is in control of his actions regardless of how anyone else feels. This is what works for me. Validation needs to come from within" He has said something similar to me quite often. So...one day when you are running with the clean torch, this one thing will be required, the next day, when the clean torch has been set down....those very things requested will not apply, and are like a molitav ****tail.

And Loving...your advice is quite perfect. Guess that's why I am here. I also have a close girlfriend I talk to as well.

So...the problem most recently was I think the torch got sat down. But since then, the observance of the wedge or distance between us has sparked the resolve to carry that torch once again. I felt the need for reassurance, because I could sense that torch falling to the ground. When he is carrying it, I don't feel that need, I know, I know within my soul, I know him all too well.

Thanks for the insight......