When did you realize you were a PA?

[lovesherman]

I have a question. When did you know or realize you were addicted to P? At what stage did it come clear to you... that "oh boy, I think I have a real problem." I believe my boyfriend doesn't think he has a problem. But in his own mind, is he in denial and really does know, but won't address it? How did it work in your minds? Was it because it was interfering in a relationship or was it just because it was becoming controlling? Its just so helpful to get a PA's perspective to see the thought process and how it works. Thanks so much for your time and thoughts.

[FoolishMind]

Thanks for your question Loversherman. Again this will be different for everyone, personally I did not think I had a problem for the 10+ years that I was absorbed by P. This ate into 5 years of my marriage. With countless arguments etc, As far as I was concerned it was my wife's problem, not mine.

In short - I realised I had a problem, when my wife wrote a letter to me explaining how she felt and how she decided if I can not help myself then she would leave. She pointed me to TTF, and only after reading other posts, I realised I had a problem. Since that day, my sole focus has been to regain control of my life.

If you have the time, I thought it would benefit others by sharing the letter/email i received from my wife. You will see the links in my signature.

Once again, thanks for a good question that im sure many SO's will have been wanting to ask.

FM

[AirKeep]

Hey LS,

Sorry I haven't gotten back to your PM, it would have also covered this. I'll post more there.

For me, similar to FM, it really hit me when my SO said things weren't working, although this wasn't in a letter about how my P use affected her. She didn't know that was the reason, or part of the reasons, until later. Prior to being married, well, seemed just like something I did. Even in marriage, never really understood it. I didn't like it, tried to control it, went through different periods of it, but could not get out of it. I never realized the underlying reasons, choices, that got me involved in it, and kept me in it. It wasn't until that 'crisis' (SO leaving), that I really started digging, and then saying ya, I've got a problem, and it is having an effect on both of us. Once I learned a few things on my own, and probably had a lot of things pointed out to me I had to accept, I could see it better. It was actually when I started focusing less on P itself, and more on my personality, things that weren't being met, things I wanted / needed, etc., that I understood P more. I know we've talked in more detail about it. Even when we 'know' it's a problem, it's how to get to that next step of, wanting to get to that next step, of ridding ourselves of it, that seems to be the problem. I'd say from early on, most PA's 'know' it's a problem, they just don't know why, or what to do about it.

Chat at you more later. Still don't have a great answer for how do you get someone to see it / change it, especially after they've admitted it.

[lovesherman]

FM
Thanks for sharing your story and your feelings. I know I have to point him to this website, but haven't as of yet because we never talk about the P thing. If he would only go on it and read, I know it would wake him up. I tried to look up the email you had mentioned you had recieved from your wife, but couldn't find it. I would love to read it. It is so awesome that you have been P free for so long. I read your journal. You should be incredibly proud. I imagine your wife must be so thrilled with this also. You are an inspiration.
AK
Hope you are well and thank you for your info also... hope all is well for you and hope the court thing went okay. Looking forward to hearing from you again.
I loved hearing from both of you and would love to hear from other people on their perspectives of how why and when they figured it out.. or did they already know something wasn't right....

[FoolishMind]

Thanks for your kind words lovesherman. You can see my first post here (linked below) which contains my wife's email to me. Hope it helps in some way.

http://www.throughtheflame.org/forum/partners-forum/25-my-husband-losing-so-am-i-2.html#post760

FM

[lovesherman]

FM
Thanks for sending me the link. The letter was so important for her to write.. incredibly hard to do, scarey to send, and at a point of desperation because she just couldn't take it anymore regardless of her love for you. You were killing her and your relationship. Boy, can I relate to your wife. Its amazing how much we (SO's) have in common... however some of us, like yours, will put up with it for so long... and go the gamut.. until something good happens or something doesn't...and pray that something good will. And... from your journal..it did. God bless both of you.

As the old saying goes, either you make a decision..or a decision will be made for you. You made the right decision. If you hadn't listened to her words, all could have been lost. Many people hear...but don't actually listen. Oh, how many women on this site wish you were their boyfriend and/or husband.. and how many PA's wish they had the stamina and perseverance to be you. Obviously. Some SO's just won't deal with it, or just can't anymore. I understand that too. I guess its the breaking point and the fact that like with all addictions, it becomes time for the addicted person to claim ownership and either work on it... or don't. Then its time for the SO to figure it out for their own self preservation.

I guess though when sometimes if the person you love is truly wonderful and in your heart you know it, you have to take the chance and give them one... or two+... like me. I am in this for the long haul... because I believe in him.. want to be here for him.. and because I love him more than anything I have ever loved in my life. Love is the single biggest motivator in the universe.. and I know... if my staying power is as strong as I think it is... we together will persevere. I just keep searching for answers.. something to keep me in this. I cant walk yet. My faith is so strong in him. I justneedmore knowledge... more answers so I can be a part of his recovery. So I can be a part of his trust and love. I want him to look back one day and understand that I believedin him and loved him enough to work on this too. Thanks again.

[Little lock]

I think for me, it would be about a year ago in may. I knew I had a problem, and my first site was no-porn.org. Coincidentally enough Admin came from the same site:) But I felt it was too religious based, so I came to TTF.

I guess for me, how I realised I had a problem was through slow self realisation. I started hearing about the addictivness of P, read some books, and I finally thought I might have a major problem on my hands.

Hoped that help.

[gnein]

I'd heard about PA a few times on the web after I'd been addicted for about 10 years, but I was skeptical, or in denial perhaps. I always thought that I could quit anytime I wanted to. The fact that I had never (and still have never) had a serious relationship meant that I didn't have the motivation to quit, so I just sank further into the mire over the course of 15 years.

In 2007 a very nice woman started work in my office, and I just couldn't (and still can't) get her out of my head. She was also very religious. I desperately wanted to be with her, but she just flat out wasn't interested. It was around that time I started to realise I had a problem, but for a while I didn't care. My attitude was basically "well, if she isn't interested, I shouldn't bother trying to quit anyway".

My P use got worse for a while, but for some reason, the air-brushed, robotic P models couldn't compete with this woman for my attention. Then last year I found a you tube video where one of my favourite P performers gave a tearful interview explaining why she had left the business and what it did to her. It was then I realised I had to clean up my act.

Since then I've had many "failed" attempts, but in recent months have started to make some real progress through simply trying again and again and basically having less P in my life than before. Many of the extreme things I was looking at before have gone completely from my life.

A couple of interesting things have happened since then. The woman in my office seems to respond to me more positively than she did before (perhaps because I don't feel as desperate as I did before), as do other women I meet in my life. I'm also noticing women I never noticed before, and noticing personal qualities I didn't notice before. I now seriously believe that I can do this, and that quitting P will ultimately enrich my life greatly if I just give it a chance.

[hast]

I went through my first bout of P addiction in 8th grade. (the rest have been relapses...I've never forgotten that I'm addicted to it. It's an instant addiction if I ever relapse.)

How did I realize I was a PA? My mom had pulled me aside and said that I was fighting more with my family, and I seemed less happy than ever before in my life. I didn't believe her and went on with the P, but the very next day, after school, my little sister was using my social studies teacher's phone, and while she was on it, he asked if there was something wrong.

It caught me off guard and I didn't know what he meant, so I said "yeah, I'm fine! Why?" and he said "You just don't seem as happy as you were, last year." (he had me in 7th grade, too)

That did it. If even my social studies teacher, who I saw for one hour a day, could tell I was different and unhappy, then I was. I knew what was wrong, I realized it was making me unhappy, and I actually quit it cold turkey right then and there, for two full years! Junior year of high school I relapsed, and have had a few relapses since, but they never last more than a few days.

Thank God that just one teacher had the sense to say something, because he changed my life.